Listening to Bob.

The great Bob Marley once said "you can't run away from yourself". In later years the not remotely great me described my travels as "itinerant madness". The translation of both is that wherever you go, you go with you. You cannot escape from yourself.

On a surprisingly nice and relatively mild Tuesday afternoon I'm wrestling with many things in my mind. The return to work did not go well. In the face of chaos the like of which usually only faces us at the start of the academic year I was simply overwhelmed by perceived expectation, the pressure I put myself under and that feeling that has been going on for at least the last two and half years that everyone focuses on what I do not do well and get wrong, it was clear I was not really well enough to be here.

Following a candid and quite helpful conversation with my boss I went home, not quite sent but as near as damn it. The feeling at home was utter desolation and devastation. And the alarming thought that my Holy Grail, the magic bullet that got me well and in the main kept me well since 2001 has stopped working. It feels pretty close to the truth in my vulnerable state. And it worries me.

Something has to be done but I don't know what. After terrible experiences in the past I'm very reluctant undergoing any talking therapies. Do I need a referral to secondary services? Is it even ethical that I should be? My name is widely known throughout the Trust. That those that are my close colleagues treat me? Interesting conundrum. And what pray would they do even if they agree? I do not need to do CBT which is the offering to those with "mild to moderate". But am I bad enough to hit the threshold for anything more helpful?

There were flashes of the darkest thoughts last night. I did what I always used to do, listen to, look at and read things that I knew would make me feel more desolate. It's what I call "mental cutting". Foolish I know but many of us are drawn to that in the darkest times.

Although I know it will come with me I have decided to escape for a few days. The bracing air of the seaside may be a bit of a Victorian myth but it gives me time to think and feel the presence of the mighty sea. That power of the waves. Let us hope it is not too wet to spend time there.

Am I running away? Away from myself? The greatness of some generals can be judged by their ability to withdraw, consolidate and fight another day. I will win this fight but it feels like I'm losing at the moment and need that tactical withdrawal. So I will board a train tomorrow and witness the full moon in pastures further south.

I Heard a Voice.