Too Much Time to Think.

The trouble with not having a lot to do is the mind can overthink everything. My students do it perpetually. Me too. And when we think too much we can easily mentally talk ourselves out of doing. And as I say to my students we are judged on what we do not what we might have done.

My last day at work may as well have been in another century so long has it been since I was there. Who knew on that Wednesday as I left my office for home it would be more than a month before I would return? Ill health can affect any of us but I certainly couldn't have predicted that the cold dad had had for a while could turn into something disastrous. He is very much on the mend now.

And me? The self indulgent fraud that my mood tells me or natural reaction to difficult circumstances? The truth is I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last few weeks. Mainly overthinking. I haven't come up with any solutions other than that retirement when is comes does not feel very enticing. Whilst I have needed to be away boredom and stir crazy come to mind. Bronwen had a go at me as only those who have not experienced real depression can during the week. It was unpleasant and hard to hear but true. True but impossible. That is what low mood and despair bring to me. I can see it but life is not lived on logic but rather on emotion.

That my emotion has come back is a sign that things are getting where they need to be. The emptiness of medication induced nothing passed a while ago. What happens now is self sabotage and incessant self hatred.

My intention is to go back to reality on Monday. My manager sent a kind text yesterday advising me to take my time. But the time is nearly here. She said it was quite hard going there at the moment with lots of poorly students. But I cannot stay away forever. The longer I leave it the harder it becomes.

Each night I have gone to bed I have counted down the nights of sleep that I crave but cannot get when at work. Will my stamina and resilience return? I will only know when I do go back.

Before then though there is Saturday. Dull and wet I did go for a drive and a stop at The Horns. There was a wake going on but no one minded me perched at the bar with a pint of Oakham ale. My kitchen escapades have featured squid and will later turn to tuna. Tomorrow a joint of gammon awaits me.

Do enjoy this weekend. Another day in passing time. And time is going so quickly. For now I listen to Haydn and wait. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.