Sublime Elgar.

You find me indoors this afternoon. The wonderful and sublime Elgar cello concerto is playing on the radio. The sun is shining at last. And where am I? Limbo land really.

Realising with the help of friends that I needed more time to get my mind working again I booked a GP appointment for yesterday morning then worried. Worried and worried. What if? What if? My untamed mind decided all sorts of nasty things. And with that came the guilt. I am a fraud.

As with most fears and anxieties what if came to nothing. I met a very kind and considerate GP who did what we both thought sensible and signed me off. So the plan such as it is is returning on Thursday of next week.

Somewhat liberated by that I forayed away from usual pastures yesterday afternoon and blew away some cobwebs. That was good.

Waking late today I am tinged with a sense of nothing. That trap posed by increased medication has come back. Empty but not as desolate as before. It is all part of the process. In retrospect I reduced the dose too early in the hope that I would wake up for work. But with that all the fear came flooding back.

I'm supposed to be making a shepherd's pie but my motivation is decidedly absent. It's not that hard to get the blender out, mince the leftover lamb and get cooking. But I can't. I did manage to make a chicken and preserved lemon tagine yesterday that was pretty good.

So I must think of alternatives. I have some crab meat, perhaps Singapore chilli crab. Not much to do with that other than some chopping. I already have leftover rice.

Should I be out in the sun? Probably but a warm flat, good music and little to worry about staying home seems a good plan.

I Heard a Voice.