Alone by the Fire.

The air outside is cold and crisp, the sun is beginning to wane and the first vestige of clouds are appearing in the soon to be night sky. It is an anniversary day, mum would have been 86 years old today. That's some age. She still comes to me in my dreams, always alone, never with dad. March will bring up the 6th anniversary of her death. 42 as I was then seems an awfully long time ago now.

Recent events have reminded me of man and woman's mortality. I'm still trying to fight back the mental tsunami that hit after dad's recent illness. He is doing well. And me? I'm not too sure.

I had to get up early this morning as the plumber wanted to carry out a survey with a view to installing a new boiler on Monday. Another early start but I hope the results will be worth it and that constant tiring low level anxiety about heat and water will recede.

Having got up I headed out for a while. Went to the Indian shop in Hatfield for chillies and curry leaves. The added bonus is he had Thai aubergines in too so a curry at some stage this weekend. By chance I discovered another Oriental store. Had a wander round and pleased to find some groundnut oil, they didn't have any on the other shop. Then home via the butcher.

At a loose end this afternoon I took a drive in the country and ended up by the fire in The Plume of Feathers. And there amid the normality of a Friday lunch time of grandads, mums, dads and kids that I felt a terrible sense of loneliness. Rarely do I yearn for "normal" things I don't have, a house, a mortgage, a partner, a family. These are not things that worry me too much. I have made peace with what has turned out to be my life.

Yet still that empty, lonely feeling. We are all famous in our own little worlds. Will posterity remember us? The great and good get gongs, and pensions. The ordinary just stumble onward. Who will remember me in 30 years time?

On most days that doesn't matter to me. But on this day I remember my mum it is hitting home. We have such a small family. And those that are we rarely see. Must make more an effort to right that wrong.

Miriam and Nigel fly out to Sri Lanka on holiday on Monday. I'm sure they need the break and wish them well. I will miss talking to her for those two weeks. But I have my friends, my many friends. And with their help I will pick up out of this recent slump.

I Heard a Voice.