Glimpsing Inside the Gates.

I once read somewhere that depression didn't exist in India until Western companies decided to locate call centres there and local people were exposed to the folly and arrogance of the West. Is depression indeed an invention of lazy self indulgent people who live where I live? Is it just an excuse to opt out of obligations? Given all the horrors of the world, and there are many, how can this be?

For the last two days my mood has fallen through the floor and I find myself felled once again by an old enemy. My mood is low, I have no motivation, I'm desperately tired, I'm challenged by every little problem and I feel like a big fat fraud. That's called being depressed.

That it has come now seems a little bit of a mystery. So my break did not quite go according to plan but I was away from the chaos, dad is getting better and there are no major clouds on the horizon. Yet still I feel like shit.

Bronwen told me last night I looked like shit. I certainly felt it. In dire need of sleep I maxed up my medication before bed and slept the sleep of the dead. But to no avail. It is not shifting.

As I left to go home after seeing my friends that old familiar, the one whose name we never mention started whispering again. Not the voices of my deep despair when psychosis hits but that friend who is not my real friend. My safety net. For briefly I glimpsed inside the gates of my own created hell and saw only one option.

The thought did not last long but I was reminded that I was once where many of my students are. And sometimes I'm dismissive of them. We always forget how dark the dark can be when we have emerged into the light. Even in the twilight of coming disaster that friend usually remains silent. The mind will not let me remember the darkest times.

The glimpse was just that. It moved off in the night. Lacking in any motivation I shambled around in town. I spent some of my voucher in the hope that it would lift the gloom; it didn't. My travels ended in The Waggoners where I ate little but enjoyed the company of Gary and Ali who had been out walking.

Tonight seems empty. I do not want to cook. I do not want the morrow. I want to switch off and immerse myself in nothing. Maybe the extra medication will help me with that.

I Heard a Voice.