Rudely Awakened.

A loud buzzing on my door in the early hours was the last thing I expected when I went to bed last night. Through the medication induced haze of that time I was able to make out two police cars and an ambulance outside, flashlights and no answer when I picked up the entry phone. Whatever they were doing I seemed able to let them in and then went back to sleep.

Next morning there was no sign of anything untoward but my hunch is once again the people of the cursed flat downstairs attracting the angry response of the law.

Given how much I have been struggling the last few weeks broken sleep was not good. I can at least feel relieved that the inclement weather that wrecked power lines and roofs across the east of England did not impact on me here. Yet still there was an emptiness when I awoke.

Silly really as I had plans for lunch with Sarah today. And what a lovely lunch we had. A cauliflower and blue cheese soup followed by pork shin on a bed of lentils. Lentils are not something I eat often but worked really well. Add in a couple of glasses of Rioja and we had a great time.

Still though the underlying you're a fraud belief keep digging away at the foundation of my confidence and very being. I don't feel much at all today. Not low, not anxious but not happy and not relaxed either.

Back at the flat I'm listening to Beethoven's String Trios and thinking of a cup of tea. Beka just rang, I will call her back after this post.

However much I wrestle with mental deluge or mental nothing time marches on. Is another week really nearly over? This was not the start to 2018 I had hoped for. Lurking bleakly in my mind is the thought of many hundreds of e mails I will find when I go back. Doubt, always doubt.

Sensible head says don't worry, that is way off. Threatening head says you can never go back. But back I must go shortly. Why does life seem such hard work? I want for nothing yet still cannot manage the mental equilibrium I need. It is the curse of the indulgent west. And I am a child of that west.

I leave you now to return to Beethoven and make some Darjeeling tea. Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.