It feels very much as if I tried to reduce my medication too soon. Yesterday was a complete write off, didn't manage to do anything other than spend money to stave off my fear. The loneliness of this setback is really hard. People are reaching out to me but I'm silenced by the shame of not being able. Able to do anything in particular.
Miriam said after reading A Pillar of Impotence that she didn't realise how ashamed I was not having a job. All these years later I have been employed since 2002. Mostly I function well but when my madness comes knocking as it has in the last couple of weeks it feels impossible.
I find myself on another dull overcast winter Sunday debating what to do next. It will only take a text to buy myself some more time. I feel I need more time but without purpose and structure getting well becomes harder. And guiltier. Although my anxiety has abated somewhat compared to yesterday, the void in my mind is now filled with thoughts of letting people down. And what people will say.
Not hiding myself away in my flat is imperative but going out means seeing people. And people ask questions. Questions I'm too ashamed to answer truthfully.
On balance I'm leaning towards sending that text. It will mean trying to get a doctor appointment and they are really hard to come by. I do know that time and medication will kick in. I have upped the dose again after yesterday. If I take time now then that may reduce time later. But it leaves people in the lurch. And stores more to do when I do go back. O what to do?
By tonight I will have decided one way or the other. And have to live with the decision I make. Now I return to Don Giovanni and bid you all a happier Sunday than I am experiencing.
I Heard a Voice.
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