An Avenue of Gold.

I'm certain that had I driven in this morning the mist would have been rising over the river. That I wasn't there to see it was testament to the power of taking a day out post Katherine's wedding.

It has been a funny few days. A bad day at work on Friday did not help my mood. Going to places I don't know always makes me anxious so going across London for the first time in an Uber Taxi was an experience. The wedding went gloriously. I saw old friends and met new ones.

Back at Beka's we were joined by the magnificent Katie from Bristol. And we lunched in splendour on the banks of the Thames at high tide in an old pub called The Trafalgar Tavern right next to the old Naval College. It was a most pleasant Sunday.

The journey back was dreadful but I made it in the end. And now to a Monday off. I have been out for shopping, to get my hair cut and to raid the butcher. A glorious sight driving down the golden avenue of trees along Digswell Road on a marvellous autumn day when the sun popped out to shine. It is days like today that I really appreciate the seasons and nature.

No surprise that this afternoon will be devoted to opera and reading. A little lunch first I think then back to Our Man in Havana which I'm enjoying very much.

All too quickly though I will return and see what residual damage there is left over from Friday. I didn't exactly cover myself in glory but sadly sometimes that happens when my warnings are not heeded. They pay me to give advice but are under no obligation to follow that advice. See you all in November.

I Heard a Voice.

That Night in the Week.

I'm doing what I always promise not to do on a Wednesday evening. Namely looking at screens. It is my night off all that to catch up on my reading and listen to cultured music. Tonight it is Handel, a fine recording of Belshazzar. I only noticed as I was taking the CD out of the box that it features Arleen Auger. I once sang with her many years ago. It was on probably our worst recording although she was amazing. Well not quite, she made a mistake in the first line of the first take. I suppose even the greats get things wrong sometimes.

You find me music aside mainly recovered from last week's malady although the sore throat and cough are stubbornly hanging on. Mentally I'm in good shape. An occasional irritant comes along but I'm setting those aside better. It is shaping up to be possibly the busiest work year ever. And I thought it couldn't get any worse than last year. But I'm still sailing serenely most of the time and riding the occasional wave that threatens to knock me off course.

The cooking of which I wrote last time I was on here did not exactly go to plan. The rabbit stew needed much more cooking so was rather tough. What's left has been cooked more and resides in the fridge mingling. I will pass that on to my neighbour Richard later. In contrast the Gloucester Old Spot sausages were great.

As I'm away at the weekend I have little in stock. Katherine's whirlwind wedding is on Saturday. She sought so long to find someone then a chance party brings a face from the past and I hope the rest will be history. I will stay at Beka's although the arrangements are a little tricky as she has double booked Friday night. I may be left prowling the streets of Greenwich for a couple of hours then.

Just a few days and Halloween will herald the end of October. Will that bring the cold finally? We will see.

I Heard a Voice.

Carpet of Leaves.

The virus that held me in a vice like grip for several days is doing its best to hang on to me. That grip has loosened a little but I'm not clear yet. As each day comes I learn of more and more friends affected by it. My manager ended up being off all week after Monday. I did make it in yesterday but it was extremely hard going. And I'm tired, oh so tired. The strange viral dreams continue making me less certain when I woke after troubled sleep.

I made it up by 10 am today. Partly because I was so fed up of the dreams and partly because Rick Stein was hosting Saturday Kitchen. Coffee and Stein accomplished I ventured delicately out into the world.

Whilst I live on a housing estate I do not have to walk or drive far to be in the country. And how beautiful that the county is now adorned by a carpet of russet, red, gold and yellow leaves. It may be colder at night but this autumn has not been too bad. Not seen any morning mist sadly but out there I appreciate the season.

On my travels I picked up a rabbit to make into stew on Monday. I've only ever cooked rabbit once but it was great. I think I will stew it in game stock with bacon, onions, thyme, bay and juniper then serve with some mashed potatoes and carrots. Also got some Gloucester Old Spot sausages the love of which I have written of before.

Tomorrow there will be no opera as my beloved LA Rams are playing at Twickenham in the afternoon. I was offered a ticket but at £80 it seemed an expensive afternoon out. So the TV will suffice.

The weekend is there for the taking but I lack the energy do much more than that. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice

Created Equal.

As I shivered under the duvet and drifted in and out of sleep my mind decided to play tricks on me. Slightly fevered that is never a good sign for the mind. I abandoned my plan to return to work around 7.30 am when it was clear the coughing hadn't shifted, a fever had set in and I felt generally pretty awful.

Through the haze of affected sleep a dream of mum in her younger days came to me. It is strange that even 4 1/2 years since she died I still dream of her alone but not of dad alone. She read my writing and suddenly had a vision into my world that she never achieved during her life time. She understood and we connected and communicated. And that brought a contentment for that brief moment. Dreams are but fleeting.

Deeply troubled for all of my life that I remember mum was a complex and ultimately tortured figure. She saw little beyond her way of thinking. I do not know why she was as she was but it made her deeply unhappy. In the last years of her life her anxiety was so great she could barely get through days sometimes. And now she is gone.

As that dream faded my mind moved onto communications and connections. Back in the summer of 1989 I spent a few weeks in Cambridge during what was known as the Long Vacation. Part of that at Selwyn was the annual Fellows and Staff versus Students cricket match. For all my love of cricket I'm terrible at playing it. But I was seconded into the Fellows and Staff team as they were a man short. On my team was a young man the same age as me. He was an ordinary young man who grew up in Cambridge. Like all young men he needed a job and he was a gardener. Part of what the college called their "servants". A vile way of describing anyone.

In the months that followed each time I saw that young man I stopped to chat as I would with anyone. One day he said to me that "you are the only student who ever talks to me". What a sad and crass world we arrogant students lived in. To ignore a man our equal and not our inferior.

For all my many faults and my undoubted arrogance of those days I'm so glad I could connect and communicate.

Why that memory came back to me in my fever I do not know. Neither do I know what happened to the gardener who by now will be middle aged like me. I'm glad I was able to connect with him. For all men and women are created equal whatever our backgrounds and chances in life. I hope we can all remember that.

I'm hoping the fever will break soon. Really need to get back to reality.

I Heard a Voice.

Scything Through the Office.

A mystery illness is cutting swathes through my office at work. Flu? No. Viral? Probably. Unpleasant? Certainly. Debilitating? Absolutely.

What started as a low level cold for me a couple of weeks ago has evolved into something a bit more sinister. Had I not been teaching yesterday I would most certainly have stayed home. Indeed my manager and one of our administrators were felled yesterday. I'm felled today. Who else tomorrow? Barely able to speak when I woke at 6.15 am and wracked by constricted throat, awful cough and violent sneezing I left a message in the office and went back to bed.

After finally emerging I briefly ventured out for lunch and a foray to buy food. Home now I'm exhausted. Cocooned against the shivers I plan to do little but listen to Choral Evensong on the radio this afternoon. An attempt to cook will be made later then rest, rest and rest. It will run its course.

I'm saddened that my run of recent success and better wellbeing has been temporarily halted. There is so much to do there. I should have seen 6 people today as it certainly hasn't slowed down. There is also a crisis brewing to which people think I am the answer. Yet all I have are words. I cannot solve everything.

Feeling bad aside yesterday's teaching was a great success. All this despite the throat problems. I do like doing some teaching every now and again but each time I always fear I will run out of material. Teaching is so hard if people don't respond. I guess that is the challenge, getting people to talk.

I shall retire to the sofa now. Do keep well out there and avoid this lurgy for it is not nice.

I Heard a Voice.

Duped by Fear.

Hi again for the second time this weekend. It's late afternoon on another Sunday. Opera is nearly complete, the pheasant is coming up to room temperature for roasting later and I have a nice bottle of Syrah to go with it.

In truth though I'm restless. I didn't sleep well as my anxiety was raised after yesterday. As I noted anxiety can be the great deceiver and so it transpired today when I did some digging I had once again been duped by my mind running to endless possibilities none of which turned out to be true. The outcome of yesterday's call has cost me money, I knew it would. But it is not the catastrophe I feared. Why do I think like this?

That residual feeling remains as if robbed of the rest I crave. It is just a bit of turbulence in my battle through what is in front of me.

Time must be marching on as I'm told half term starts at the end of this week. I also learned from reading my horoscope that the full moon is today and not last night as I thought. A fine line out but beautiful anyway.

There is a governors' meeting with the Trust tomorrow. I cannot devote as much time as they deserve given how manic the day time job can be. But I do my little bit when I can.

Have a good week all who read this. I will be back soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Autumn Moon.

The rain was teeming down as I stepped of the 18.05 from London King's Cross. Within an hour or so the rain had stopped and the clouds had dissipated to reveal a glorious autumn full moon. Yes we are well under way for what my chums in the States call the Fall. I like October. And with 3 weeks down of the new year at work I'm still thriving.

My reason for being in town was threefold. To shop at Borough Market. To meet my friend Nessa. And to confront the demons of out joint past. And what an afternoon we had. The Grapes as we once knew it, glorious food in the market, late lunch at Brindisa where I went on my birthday with dad an Beka.

I came home sated, poorer and in some respects contented. After all who can resist roast pheasant for Sunday lunch, good bacon for a sandwiches and beef for stew from the Ginger Pig, wrinkly tomatoes, orange cauliflower and incredibly expensive organic baby carrots, followed by marvellous tapas? It should all have been a glorious day.

Yet there was a big but. There are some people on my phone list I dread hearing from. It always leads to trouble or expense or both. And today as I indulged as lunatics only can do I had a missed call from him. My anxiety which to be honest had been stirred earlier in the week on what I suspect was the same matter is just about in check. But I know tomorrow I need to hear the message. Anxiety is the great deceiver. But it can also foretell the truth. I hope the truth is not what I fear but no good ever comes from that source.

So tomorrow may undo all the good of recent weeks. And now, just a few beers, a catch up in The Hedgehog shortly and sleep. Let us hope the latter comes easily.

I Heard a Voice.

It is With Great Sadness Another Tragedy.

On this day every year we celebrate mental health and think of all those affected by it. World Mental Health Day is meant to highlight, educate and speak out about mental health. As my friend Alex put it on Facebook earlier "I am Alex, a man with depression".

I have been speaking out about mental illness for many years most recently of course through this blog. So to reiterate I am Mark and I have a mental illness. That illness has been called many things most of which were unhelpful but I hope that by my work and writings and speaking I can in some small way enlighten, challenge and do my little bit to bring about change.

Sadly on this day of celebration another tragedy has struck which will no doubt bring out another witch hunt. A world famous academic stabbed to death by a psychotic man. That man was a young Nigerian student haunted by voices and delusions fuelled by cannabis. Such tragedies are thankfully rare but as his grieving widow calls for an enquiry I know what it will say before it is even opened.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-37609475

Schizophrenia, drug and or alcohol use, stopped taking medication and agencies failing to talk to each other. We simply cannot lock up everyone or indeed honestly and safely assess risk. I have to assess risk all the time. Most of the time I do it well but there is always that one one gets wrong.

Tonight those in the mad community are saddened and frightened of what happens next. Mental illness can be so cruel.

Yet I cannot dwell tonight on immense sadness. I must continue to live. And with that life Verdi brightens up my mood, fine wine soothes my anguish and the steak was beautifully rare. Another day done and I must move on to the next. In my rage of the early years of my madness I never believed I would ever achieve the relatively tranquil state of this Monday night.

I Heard a Voice

Good Food, Good Wine and Good Rest.

Sunday is here again. I'm still sneezing away but feeling better than I did yesterday. I slept long and have had a gentle day. I returned to Puccini to join me as I read and am now continuing my recent strings obsession with Mozart Violin Sonatas. Funny but to me this could almost have been written by Beethoven rather than Mozart. Oh well, I'm a fan of both so can appreciate such similarities.

The short time I did venture to shop on Friday I found some nice wines on offer. Still pricey but splashed out anyway. So with my wonderful lemon sole yesterday I had a glass of Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc and today with my lamb that is slow roasting a glass of Chateauneuf Du Pape. Such buys are only really made by me at Christmas but sometimes my desire gets the better of my bank balance.

Fed, wined and rested the weekend will I hope come to a fine finale before going back into battle tomorrow. There is an awfully long way to go but I'm determined to try to avoid the meltdowns of the last 2 years and make this a year of progress not regression.

Miriam has been visiting dad this weekend. I'm hoping to follow that trail at the beginning of November. It has been too long really. By curious coincidence my cousin Cedric has indicated he will visit dad that weekend too. So hopefully we can have a lovely lunch somewhere in the country.

Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

The Folly of Youth.

The cold that has been brewing all week finally came out to strike in its full venom this morning. Coughing, spluttering and sneezing I quickly decided to abandon my plan to get the bus to St Alban's. It's not really too bad, just a feeling of being under the weather. The hard part is trying to avoid sneezing when I'm driving. I wasn't entirely successful at that but no major mishaps.

On my short venture out I managed to get Rick Stein's new book which came out on Thursday. Surprisingly Waterstones didn't have a copy. Perhaps they sold out. Afterwards I took a little venture out into the country stopping at The Plume of Feathers at Tewin. It's a favourite of Gary and Ali but it is some time since I was there.

Another week is done. More angry troubled students. I had to stay late to deal with something that came up. I was a sullen, angry, foolish and arrogant youth. But I never did anything that did not have consequences that were manageable. It can be a rude awakening for our young charges and they are now treated as adults. Yes you can do things you couldn't do when younger but you are also responsible. This is an element some of our students really struggle with and can lead to disaster.

The rest of the weekend will be hampered by the cold. Nothing much but I don't feel like doing a lot. I have some lemon sole fillets for my supper. I've been thinking about trying sole for some time. I will do it in the oven with a cream, mace, parsley and lemon sauce courtesy of Stein's Seafood Lovers' Guide. Hope it turns out well. And tomorrow I will have lamb.

Heading off to peruse my new book now. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Patience is a Virtue.

There is something very Morsesque about playing Mozart opera very loudly in the car. I even have a red car although nothing like as grand as his legendary Jaguar. The last few days I have enjoyed first The Magic Flute and now The Marriage of Figaro to accompany my journey to and from work. But today my chill out music was interrupted by an awful journey home.

I'm not the most confident of drivers. I am careful, stick to speed limits and try to follow road instructions as best I can. As I left the campus today I stopped at the keep clear sign and waited. It is there to let the buses in and out. For reasons best known to whoever he was the man behind got terribly irate that he had to wait to turn left. Horn blaring and fist shaking he made me angry. When I got clear on the appalling roundabout by the motorway junction I was cut up even more than normal. Got caught in no man's land at the next motorway junction by someone not knowing where he was going.

By the time I got home I was relieved to escape my car. In times past this interruption of glorious Mozart might have set in motion an evening of irritability. Add on dropping a whole tub of Five Spice and having a pretty disastrous dinner I could have been struggling. But I'm not.

I am sailing serenely on through the chaos. And believe me there has been a lot of chaos. I'm responding to a lot of crises and we have a swollen and turbulent stream of yet more students demanding my attention. All is good despite.

Am I back to my best? Not sure but I know I am dealing with things better. There is a long way to go before I get a chance to rest but so far so good.

Only Tuesday even though it seems later in the week. Tomorrow will come soon enough and we march on. Hope you're all thriving like I am?

I Heard a Voice.

Chasing the Rainbow.

This morning did not dawn very promising. I didn't really see the dawn but when I got up comparatively early for a Saturday I was confronted with steady rain and a noticeably cooler outlook. The night have certainly been chillier, shivered in bed in the week and have now dug out my winter duvet. I ventured out in the rain but bought little.

Stopped at The Waggoners for a nice venison stew on my way back then popped in the butcher. I fancied roast pheasant but they didn't have any. Got some nice pork shoulder instead. A prawn curry will adorn my table tonight, cooking energy is now restored.

This afternoon the sun came out and I expected a rainbow but there was none in sight. Some rather wealthy friends of mine who own a grand Georgian country house posted a beautiful photo of a rainbow over said country house on social media. I really must venture down to Devon some time to visit them. Maybe I will find a rainbow.

A year on from the disastrous opening week to last academic year, after a chaotic and potentially overwhelming start to this year I'm feeling pretty good. It is going as it should, my confidence is not shot yet and I am managing the days much better. Not too much brooding at night either. It is early days but I will break things down each morning, do what I can then come home to be me. That is a wise way forward.

I probably won't blog tomorrow as the NFL is on in the afternoon with Jacksonville and Indianapolis squaring off at Wembley. The usual evening fare of course accompanied by the pork and a glass of two of Medoc. Have a happy Sunday everyone and see you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.