It's funny how just a single sight, smell or sound can take us all back to something from the past. We all experience this but living with mental illness can intensify the feeling of that recall. Sometimes it can go to full blown flashback. I've not had a really bad one for some time but to a lesser extent it happens.
At home yesterday after a mixed week and feeling quite anxious anyway I looked at a missive from my old college in Cambridge. As I put it down the back cover flashed me back to another life time. On it was an image of college graduation. Young smiling faces in their finery.
My memories are not so happy of graduation. I was a 21 year old on the edge of a breakdown. I had to run out of a graduation lunch as I was overwhelmed by what I later learned was a panic attack. I'd never had them before. I had an argument with my mum over a photo. And it was the end of a former life. I was already suicidal that day but no one know.
Within 6 weeks I was locked in an old asylum not sure if I would ever get out. So started my long and bitter battle with mental illness.
24 summers have happened since then. Who am I now? I'm not sure I know. All too quickly Monday will come around and the grind goes on. I'm not back in that time today but I remain anxious. The cricket is on and there is a good chance of a result when a draw looked odds on.
There will be a rare venture to church tomorrow, purely for the music. And a lunch at The Waggoners. Might see you all after that.
I Heard a Voice
No comments:
Post a Comment