Very little remains in my mind of yesterday or the day before. I was in zombie. The crazy pace, expectation and series of everything that could go wrong did go wrong left me in a terrible place. Exhausted, overwhelmed with anxiety and seeing no other way out with some reluctance I increased my risperidone and trimipramine last night. I intend to keep it on higher levels for a while.
After 9 hours sleep, a day away from my office and the prospect of a trip to Birmingham tomorrow I remain tired but no exhausted, anxious but not overwhelmed, and hanging in there a little better than of late.
Learn my limits. I must keep telling myself that. Yet still I try to fight on. What happens when I'm not at the coal face of madness at the University? Good question. As I write I'm trying to stave off taking some time out via my Doctor. To stay functioning I need to look at what is expected, what can be put off and what can I do that is feasible. I don't know the answers to that but if I don't the choice may be taken out of my hands. I know if I see the Doctor he will tell me to slow down. Better avoid him?
Today was not without merit. I have done more on my studies than I realised. My tutor said stop working and start constructing it. I have all the materials and finally a direction on structure. I also had some encouraging advice from a friend and colleague about a job I have been weighing up. Views have been mixed and I have reservations. The worst that could happen is they don't short-list me. Harder though is the sheer terror in the unlikely event they give me the job. A fine challenge but what anxiety could it bring? Nothing changes without taking risks. Should I do it?
I Heard a Voice.
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