The Russian Doll.

When I was a very young child we had a friend who lived a few doors down called Michael. His mum was Russian and his dad drove an E Type Jaguar. I didn't understand its iconic status then but it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. E Types aside, his mum introduced me to Russian Dolls, you know the ones where you open it and inside are many smaller dolls. Layer after layer. That was mesmerising too. So why this today?

Well I am full of anxiety, low, listless and aimlessly wandering. In what is likely to be my final post of 2013 you find me sinking. As I wandered pointlessly about the town where I work I thought of anxiety and what it does to people. I'm never at my best with students with anxiety but the one thing I always say is it is fear of what might happen rather than what really happens. It is the Russian Doll from the inside. Each anxiety breeds another, and another, and yet more. Soon the anxiety has snowballed into a huge doll the size of which it is impossible to comprehend. That is how I feel on the last day of this year.

Distraction should help but doesn't. I need to get on with my MSc but my mind is elsewhere. Sure as night follows day, depression will follow anxiety.

But my troubles can wait as I have just heard the news that my friend Jeff died today. He has been battling cancer and I visited him a year ago when he was given only a few weeks to live. Well he fought hard and made it to a year. I will forgive him for being a Liverpool supporter but on days like today I hope my mum's beliefs about an after life are true and one day I will sit in a bar somewhere with Jeff talking about nothing in particular. I need to focus on that not some trivial earthly trouble.

I'm sorry this is such a low post, it is how I feel. That aside I wish you all a very happy New Year and a prosperous 2014.

I Heard a Voice.