Prelude to Judgement Day.

A few weeks into the first module of my MSc it has been an experience of mixed ups and downs. I go to each session feeling woefully unprepared. I'm then pleasantly surprised that I do get it. Then it is back to uncertainty. I have done some work and at times felt confident but until today that confidence had not been tested. Today we had to present an outline of our assignments on service improvement.

With an accompaniment of Wagner-God it goes on-I spent 3 hours last night fretting, doubting and thinking why on earth am I doing this. By about 10 pm I had 1100 words, an outline, and no idea if it was on the right lines. That doubt was further enhanced by re reading this morning. I thought it was shit.

Yet as I looked at previous projects it began to dawn on me that I was on the right track. The question was was I brave enough to present to my peers and tutor. The first 2 who presented were slated. So with great trepidation I volunteered to present. Apparently it was brilliant. I had got it. My tutor told me after that she had no worries at all. She enquired how I felt about presenting it to a dragon's den type panel as I will have to do in January. Facing year 9 in school has taught me never to fear such events. And with that I can march on. There will be doubts but I must trust myself.

The interesting thing is that it was not that the others didn't get it. It was just that they couldn't think in any other way apart from being a psychiatrist. How ironic is that, little me, who no one listened to for 10 years holding psychiatrists in awe. Strange too that they are now my friends. I'm learning more of that strange world. Let us hope they are receptive to change. They are all receptive to me-we are all students in that context. I wonder what it will be like if I relapse and am once again cast into the psychiatric system. Well they have to listen to me now-as a governor they accountable to me. Oh how my world has changed.

I only have 1 more day of work. 3 weeks off beckon to study, eat, drink, cook, and recharge. Then the onslaught begins again in January. Then too I face the dragons for real.

I Heard a Voice.