Today would have been my mum's 81st birthday. It feels strange. Less than a year after she died I'm still not sure what I feel. I have gone beyond the 1 day at a time syndrome. It feels fluid but at times empty. Miriam had planned to go and see dad this weekend. He had planned to go to the crematorium but the weather has put paid to both plans.
As you may recall from yesterday's posts it was not a good day. I was left with racing thoughts and further disillusionment. I just wanted to walk out. Yet life is more complex than that; we cannot run from ourselves. I spoke at some length to my old friend and mentor Heather last night. She lost her husband last year too. She speaks to Chris and feels his presence. Perhaps I should do that with mum.
I slept the sleep of the dead last night. God did I need it. My lack of sleep has been going on for months. Sleeping until lunch time may not be normal for most but it is what I need when I'm not working. If I don't catch up the psychosis switch has a nasty habit of activating. Today I feel okay; just okay. I just ventured out into the snow filled outside. Conditions are better than I feared; had it been a work day I would have made it in. Tomorrow we are expecting another downpour.
Tonight I am doing Vietnamese ginger and honey chicken. I think Vietnamese food with its light, clean lines and preponderance of fresh herbs is my most favoured food. Should cook it more often. Before then I will listen to Puccini and wind down until tea time-Earl Grey I think today.
I Heard a Voice.
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