Distant Drums and Whispered Tremors.

A bitter northerly wind swept over the campus much of today. Having overdressed for cold weather yesterday I misread today's signs and ventured in clothed for a not too warm summer day. It was a mistake. Freezing.

Since my last post and in fact what was evident through my week off was that all was not right with me. In the distance, quiet but distinct the drums of my madness were beating, the seismic tremors of breakdown were still far off but I could hear them whispering.

The two things that I always have to watch are sleep and stress. Yes we have had more than a few stresses in recent weeks but I coped. So why did those devastating dreams so haunt and destroy me whilst I should have been resting?

Sunday night was very bad and I woke worried. Tuesday too. I toyed both days with the idea of staying home but my determination to go held. Yesterday was tough, real tough. I was left wondering if I would get a call today that could have eventually led me to a coroner's court. Life and death, sometimes that comes to me.

Now a day removed and danger averted I feel in a rather better place. My kitchen adventures were a disaster, my improvisational skills clearly need to be revised. I'm not very forgiving of myself for bad food.

Putting it in perspective now though I cannot hear drums beat distant or close. The earth of my life and edifice is still. There are things to look forward to. Pay day on Friday. And a trip to Cambridge. Tosca. My lovely friend Jayne. The Phoenix restaurant Histon. And maybe connecting with a friend from childhood. I'm trying to sort a visit to a girl I used to know. Facebook inevitably made us aware we both still exist. And maybe we will meet. The past is not all bad. And the future will not be either. Just on some days when those whispers come I get frightened that the bad will engulf me once more.

I Heard a Voice.

Unsolicited Visitation.

On the final day of my holiday I did not need a flurry of anxiety provoking dreams. From around 7 am when I was rudely awakened by the first of many to 11 am when I got up they came in waves. Sadly much of this week has been marred by such unsolicited visits from a past I thought I had banished when I gave up smoking.

The result is an anxious, edgy day that feels a little lost and an overwhelming desire to be alone. But I cannot be alone as my friend Jo is coming for dinner. Part of me wants to cancel as I usually do when not feeling right. Company is a good but undesirable distraction from the strangeness of the day.

The long holiday has brought me sleep but I do not feel too refreshed. The thought of an alarm going off to summon me back to reality is not very enticing. The hours will tick by as they always do. At 2 pm the pork will go in the oven, at 4 pm I will have tea, at 6.15 pm Jo will come then we will eat. She does have a great capacity to make me laugh so I shouldn't dread what is to come.

Apollo et Hyacinthus is this afternoon's opera. I've yet to choose some reading beyond what is left of the paper. Didn't find much in there today to lighten the hours. Let us hope my beloved cooking does the trick. I'll be back in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

A Triumph of Kerala.

Hello out there. I don't seem able to keep away from my ramblings this month. I did try to promise myself to blog less this year and keep things reasonable but sometimes my arrogance and desire to be noticed overwhelm me.

This escape from work has drawn me more to here to celebrate rather than talk of my occasional despair. It has with the exception of Monday been a lovely holiday. True my sleep hasn't been the best but I am feeling more mentally relaxed with things, less anxious and only occasionally low apart I'm holding my own. Past experience tells me that things do ease off after Easter. Many students will be finished by mid May, the end of the month at the latest.

That can wait though, I still have a weekend to myself to do as I will. Today I went back to an old favourite and cooked a curry. Old in the sense that once I cooked far more Indian food than I do now. Going back on a seldom used but never forgotten book I cooked a Keralan prawn curry with fresh curry leaves, turmeric and tomatoes. It was a mighty triumph. Not sure where that sits from a diet perspective but holidays are holidays.

I will ease off the fine food next week. I still have the wonders from Borough Market in the fridge, definitely trying the cured tuna tomorrow. As St George's Day comes on Sunday I toyed with beef but chose instead to get pork. This will slow roast for four hours of so. I will not be without beef as I have steak for tomorrow. Glass of red with that I think. Rioja is in abundance here at the moment so that is sorted.

Now I will listen to Schumann on the radio and do a little reading. Have a great weekend everyone.

I Heard a Voice.

And Again, When Will This End?

Did anyone out there expect yesterday's political earthquake? I had just woken up and turned on the news when Mrs May spoke and announced a shock election. I relish so much that I have the right to vote in my country a right not granted to all but another one? In so short a time? I'm not predicting anything on this sunny spring day but the ripples of change keep bombarding us.

Whilst it had nothing to do with the coming election I did not sleep well overnight. Why have all these dreams come back to bite me? I was up by 9 am on a holiday day. I chose the wrong day to come to St Albans after traffic hell on the bus. When I did get there though a light lunch at Little Marrakech, a wander in the market and a lovely pint of ale in The Lower Red Lion lightened my day.

I'm not wasting my week off. Spent a wonderful afternoon with Krishna yesterday. Too long has gone by since I saw her. The tapas was great, I battered my debit card in the market and then retired to The St Christopher Inn for a glass of ale.

What will tomorrow bring? I think I will take things gently. There is a small matter of roast chicken tonight, my neighbour Richard is coming round. The produce at the market is so much better than that accessible around here. I think some more Jersey Royals will go very well with it.

So far during my break I have steered clear of work. E mails when off rarely give good messages and calm demeanour. That can wait until next week.

I hope the sun is shining on you out there as spring progresses. I'll return when I feel like it.

I Heard a Voice.

Overindulgence Has a Price.

Something tells me I rather overdid things yesterday. The Easter lunch was a triumph. The fizz was beautiful, the smoked salmon sublime, the lamb and mint sauce divine and the company splendid. But today I'm paying something of a price.

Much as I look forward to Bank Holidays I do find myself at a loose end sometimes. Often a country pub beckons but feeling as I do now beer is the last thing on my mind. The overwhelming sensation when I woke was hunger. Some time since I had a hungry hangover but today it decided to revisit to remind me that I cannot be too overindulgent.

So on a cold grey Monday I have returned home after a fry up and wander in town to go back to Mozart and hunker down to a gentle day. I just feel a little lost.

I'm hoping the rest of my holiday is free from this mass of loneliness that is gripping me. Some days I want to shut out the world and today is that day. What would be better for my sudden self doubt is to seek out the company of friends and go somewhere. But that all feels too much.

The good news though is I get to see the excellent Krishna tomorrow and to eat tapas. She is a vegetarian so not sure what she will make of Brindisa but they do a selection of tapas so I'm hoping we will find something to her taste.

I will leave you to it now, run out of things to say. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

This Joyful Eastertide.

For many years I was always away at Easter. During the King's days it was services right up to Easter Day but most especially the wonders of Good Friday. In the Lancing days we always did a choir tour at Easter. Post then I continued to travel at the festival time. And now I'm at rest at home.

My journey to this point has spawned two books, a roller coaster life, a breakdown and a resurrection of sorts when I found Risperidone. Indeed in A Pillar of Impotence I quote the creed in Latin at my final breakdown then rising again. That rising took ten years but was worth it in the end. So here I am alive and well, somewhat better than the flatness of yesterday and cooking a splendid Easter lunch for my friends.

The lamb smells especially good as it roast away festooned with garlic and rosemary and seasoned with salt and pepper. When my friends get here I will crack open the fizz and serve a rare starter, smoked salmon on such a day seems fitting.

Handel is the chosen composer today. I suspect I will get through at least two operas today. I don't want to overdo things too early so will slowly and sparingly consume a glass of two of Rioja with the lamb. Then who knows.

If you are celebrating as a Christian or relaxing as a holiday have a wonderfully Happy Easter.

I Heard a Voice.

Wasted Dreams and Chilly Days.

Welcome to part 2 of my Easter blog instalments. Not the greatest of starts as once again the bad dreams have come back. I didn't feel very refreshed when I woke. But at least I didn't have to go to work.

Stepping outside it was curiously cold for an April morning despite the sunshine. I went out armed with a coat. Not much to report on my travels barring picking up the last pieces for my epic Sunday lunch tomorrow. I did manage to escape with Richard for a pint in the country. Today it was The Plough at Datchworth and The Chequers at Woolmer Green. The latter pub was a new venture for me.

Home again now. I remain chilly but I'm warmed by the Beethoven cello music that I have gone back to. Once again I will cook tuna, this time a variation on a Nicoise salad. I always recall mum ordering it in a restaurant and I forgot to tell her it would be rare. She sent it back. Oh how different generations like to cook their food. Last night's tuna with sweet onion and sherry came out pretty well.

With days all at variance I'm still struggling to orientate myself for this holiday and pick up my slightly dampened mood. Why do dreams so curse me when I'm on holiday? Let us hope for a better night when I finally make it to bed.

I Heard a Voice.

Good Friday, Away and Resting.

Finally made it to my break. It is Good Friday and I really didn't have the energy to board an early train to Cambridge to hear the Allegri at King's. So content at home I will put on our 1983 recording after the current Beethoven has finished. Then of course I must listen to Lotti's "Crucifixus" as I always do.

Last night was made a extra special as a great friend of mine got a promotion and is off to pastures new. Actually she will only be moving 50 yards from where she is based now but it will make the world of difference to her.

With the holiday cooking will be paramount. I had a simple smoked salmon salad for lunch. Tuna is on the menu later, hopefully rarer than last time I did it. I'm still finding my way with cooking fish having avoided it for so many year.

I'm looking forward to my friends coming on Easter day for roast leg of lamb. They are bringing Rioja, I will supply the Chapel Down fizz to go with the starter. My butcher is holding some lamb for me which I will pick up tomorrow. New in season I managed to get some Jersey Royal potatoes which I will do simply with salt and mint. Then mint will feature again as I make my own sauce to go with the lamb.

Shame the sun has disappeared really. Won't stop me having a glass of Pimm's later though. I took a short drive out to Tewin for a pint at The Rose and Crown. A while since I have been there. Lovely local ale from the Tring brewery.

My mood feels quite buoyant as I unwind after such a long term. No mania extreme or other but that is okay. I would love a buzzy period but I don't think that is likely to occur. So I will content myself with mood in plus territory, time to play with, fine produce and a happy disposition. Enjoy the break.

I Heard a Voice.

A Deadly Sin? In Lent?

Is gluttony one of the seven deadly sins? If so I have had a mightily sinful day. And during the season of Lent when abstinence is encouraged by those of a Christian persuasion. My diet has not quite gone to plan today. Partly because by the time I got to work after a very important and somewhat scary meeting I was starving. So roast pork it was followed by a sort of snack bar which I didn't need but fancied anyway...it was disgusting. Then leaving cakes and goodies from one of our administrators as she goes off to pastures new. Then to home and another fierce curry as my ventures in cooking continue.

Given though that I have lost so much weight I have to keep hitching up my trousers...must buy a belt...and tucking my shirt in it may not all be a bad thing. I am poised on the verge of my holiday when abstinence will certainly go out the window and the joys of Easter Day even for those of us who are not church goers it could be a bumpy time food wise.

I still mourn that food does not play a more integral part of the cultural and spiritual life of the English. I do so envy others cultures where food is central. On Tuesday I venture to Borough Market again and I will be in buying mood. So next week all manner of delights will adorn my metaphysical table that doesn't actually exist. I'm putting feelers out even before then for a grand Easter lunch of smoked salmon, English fizz, roast lamb, Jersey Royal potatoes and home made mint sauce.

Culture does not all revolve around food in my life. The concert that I attended on Saturday night was great, Durufle spine tingling as ever and a very good but I suspect slightly up her own arse mezzo-soprano singing the "Pie Jesu".

And Wednesday brings back my opera. Ascanio in Alba is tonight's offering. Progress is mounting on both my books and I hope to be moving on to others shortly. I can't make up my mind if A Passage to India or The Leopard will be next on my list. Any thoughts?

If you are about to enjoy the Easter break, be kind to yourself as Ros always tell me, be rested and mindful. I will be back soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Classical Culture, a Change for a Saturday.

Hello out there. It is beautiful out there in the world. Summer here in the second week of April. Such a glorious sight on the Grand National weekend.

My ventures took me out earlier and it was sorely tempting when I  got back to head to The Hedgehog for a glass or two is Pimm's in the garden. But not today. I need to stay sober as I'm driving later. Rare is the Saturday when I drive but I'm hoping today will be worth it.

For after supper I'm heading to St Mary's Church Welwyn for a classical concert. The wonderful Durufle Requiem performed by a group of singers all of whom have their roots one way or another in Cambridge. A King's friend will be performing. Culture will come to my life on a day normally reserved for less revered activities.

A great regret of my life is that I always made an excuse not to go when Beka invited me to hear her father the pianist Ronald Smith perform. It was stupid and self indulgent of me to swap the concert hall for the pub. Ronald is no longer here so I have to content myself with recordings. Today I will be pursue the cultural rather than the drunken.

Cooking will feature before I go, am marinating some prawns in lemon, olive oil, garlic and pimenton which I will griddle and serve on a bed of salad. Its from a Moroccan book I have. Then on another day of rest tomorrow I have a rib of beef to roast along with a good bottle of Rioja. There is culture in food as well as music.

By next Friday I will finally be on holiday. Not too many plans for that week other than a trip to Borough Market to meet my friend Krishna, will take her to lunch at Brindisa. If you are off already as my teaching friends are have wonderful time in this glorious sunshine.

I Heard a Voice.

Black Beans, Rice Wine and Pickled Garlic....and Great Company

Greetings on what has in the main been a fine spring day. You find me as so often listening to Wednesday night opera, reading and posting on here. Yet this Wednesday was different. For today I took the afternoon off and escaped the demands of reality to spend some hours with my great friend Ros.

A trip to The Porcupine and tapas at Jamon Jamon we made up for the last months since we met and put the world to rights. Between us we are pretty good at boosting ourselves out of the deceit that depression has bequeathed on both of us. When we met in 1989 we were children trying to find our way in a strange and at times hostile world. My illness had not yet come forth although as I know now and as Cedric seemed to realise it already lurked beneath the surface of an apparently successful high flying student.

I could never see how someone like her could be depressed. Or why. I had yet to learn of the great deceiver and how so much of our lives are kept hidden. For all my bravado and apparent confidence particularly as a singer I was flawed and as it proved nearly fatally damaged.

She has always been better at telling it in those days than I could. It took me years to find the words that truly described the devastation that mental illness wrought on me and those around me. Not until I wrote A Pillar of Impotence between 2002 amd 2005 did I find words. Ros always had words.

So all these years later we can look, laugh and cry. To the world today as we sat on a sunny day in London we were just a pair of 40 somethings. To us there is so much power in being understood.

It was all too brief but I did enjoy our lunch and taking her round the wonders of a Chinese supermarket. I emerged with preserved black beans, Shoahshing rice wine and pickled garlic. All the things I could not find on my last trip.

And so spiritually enlightened by the company and produce rich I can continue my way on here, in the kitchen and in my daily life. Thanks for a great day Ros.

I Heard a Voice.

Pork, Pimm's and No Sun?

The aroma of pork slow roasting is beginning to pervade around my flat. Seasoned with salt and pepper on a bed of fennel I have returned to my old favourite. Mozart's La Finta Giardiniera plays in the background and The Sunday Times lies partially read. Sunday is here again and I await the Boat Race later with Pimm's. There is but one problem, where is the sun?

Clearly nature in this part of leafy Hertfordshire is not so sunny. No rain but no sun either. That said given the storm conditions of last year's race I guess people will settle for a little calm even without the sun.

Much as I try to avoid them thoughts of tomorrow keep drifting into my conscious mind. That is not good. The rigours of last week still hang over me unresolved impairing my enjoyment of what should be a fun Sunday.

Tomorrow will come soon enough but there is a hint of a silver lining. If all works out I hope to spend a few hours with the wonderfully talented, friendly and wise friend Ros on Wednesday. She has completed another gruelling academic term at her school and I'm hoping she will manage to rest and recuperate during this holiday season. I always enjoy her company and find a boost to my flagging sense of what I am and what I'm not. My mental health mind tells me all manner of bad things. Yet the evidence points to the contrary. I will not succumb to the great deceiver that is mental illness. At least not as far as I can stop it. I don't get things right all the time but I win a few battles and should be be proud of that.

With that I leave you and submerge myself in the genius that is Mozart. May your day be fruitful, peaceful and full of joy. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Escaping the Chaos.

I have made it to the end of term. The last three weeks or so have been amongst the toughest sustained period of chaos and risk in the near decade I have been there. Unlike a teacher and contrary to what everyone assumes I do not get the next two weeks off. It may be a little quieter but the recent problems and challenges remain on the agenda for next week too. It was a week in which I felt I simply didn't have the answers that people wanted and people overestimate the power I have. In truth I have none and have to rely on the good will and good judgement of colleagues and peers.

That said it was not all bad. Much to my surprise I have been nominated for an award again. You may recall that for reasons I still struggle to understand I was nominated for the Vice-Chancellor's Award as Employee of the Year three years in a row from 2012-2014. That category no longer exists and there has been a revamp. As far as I can ascertain students can no longer nominate non academic staff. So I guess it will have been a colleague. I have no chance of winning but it does something to help my at times fragile self belief and ego.

Today has seen me out and about. Finally got paid yesterday after rather overspending last month. But I had a good time doing it so I have no regrets. Aware I need to slow down to right myself I came very close to letting my restraint down yesterday by buying a suit. I resisted. Likewise a jacket in a sale today, I really don't need any more.

Food wise tonight brings swordfish which I will griddle and dress with a little lemon juice served with a simple salad. Pork is back on the menu tomorrow, fine spare rib joint from the butcher. My favourite Rioja was on offer so bought some Gran Reserva, good for a special occasion. I had invited Jo to dinner tonight but she is otherwise engaged. Quite fancy some Handel as I cook and eat. Then an evening of reading.

The Boat Race is on tomorrow so the Pimm's season commences. I have a little left over from last year and have bought all the other ingredients. Let us hope the sun comes out for us all. Enjoy the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.