Incessant rain has marked today. It has been pouring down since mid morning. In days gone by mum's anxiety about rain would have been foremost in her mind. She was a great gardener for both beauty and nourishment and always feared long periods without rain. I'm told this is the right sort of rain needed for gardens so that is good. Not so good is all the idiots on the road who decided despite the conditions to drive in a reckless manner. But I'm finished in the car now.
After several months absence I was at last able to go to a Council of Governors' meeting for HPFT. So much change that I struggled to keep up with it all. Trying to juggle that with the demands of full time work has been beyond me recently. I'm ashamed by that. I got into this business to help service users. Or as we call ourselves now experts by experience. Sounds a bit pompous that. Am I living up to what I set out to do? Probably not. So out of touch but when I was first elected back in 2013 I was not prepared for the deluge of e mails that come every day. Staying on top of it has been impossible at times.
I have considered resigning but not got to that point yet. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate what I want to achieve. I have long since resigned to the idea that I will never save the world. My expertise is limited and I am flawed. Sometimes it feels that I have betrayed what I set out to do. Am I too hard on myself? Ros would probably say yes.
The arrogant dreamer of those early days is long gone. At times I want to get out of the business all together. That would have seemed like heaven 18 months ago. But this year I have managed better so for the time being I do what I can.
Feeling under the weather has continued today. I think people suspect I should have stayed home this week. But I have made it in all week despite. Now I can retire to my kitchen to do stir fried chicken with black bean sauce and then on to opera night. Verdi I think today.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday, 17 May 2017
Tuesday, 16 May 2017
Difficult Times.
It's a warm humid evening here in Hertfordshire. The light is beginning to fade and it's looking slightly gloomy. Ventures on here are rare for a Tuesday. In truth the last couple of days have been quite difficult for me.
Not sure if it was the anxiety of the dentist, a bug that is going round or general under the weather but have been anxious, nauseous and tired since I woke up yesterday. In what is supposed to be a relatively quiet time at work I have had a whole load of walk ins crying heartily and distressed wanting to be seen immediately. I'm not sure any of them were mentally ill but I seemed the only one available so I had to pick up the slack.
That is part and parcel in a way but the sudden crises that are really serious have tested me considerably both before Easter and this week. It is never good going home not knowing if the dreaded e mail about a suicide will come the next day. That is the world I inhabit and sometimes I'm left powerless in very difficult situations and just pray to anyone or anything divine, lucky, fated or other that I am right. Those nights are most uncomfortable.
The day is over now. Handel's Orlando plays and I'm reading a book collated and edited by a cousin whom I've never met. A collection of her grandfather and I suppose my great great uncle's letters from the Great War. Fascinating stuff.
Not sure I will stay up too late or read too much tonight. My eyes want to close and feel tired. I did manage to cook having given up yesterday. Hoisin glazed chicken with cashew nuts and spring onions, very good. From Yan Kit So's Classic Chinese cook book.
Back to Handel until I speak again on here. Take care out there.
I Heard a Voice.
Not sure if it was the anxiety of the dentist, a bug that is going round or general under the weather but have been anxious, nauseous and tired since I woke up yesterday. In what is supposed to be a relatively quiet time at work I have had a whole load of walk ins crying heartily and distressed wanting to be seen immediately. I'm not sure any of them were mentally ill but I seemed the only one available so I had to pick up the slack.
That is part and parcel in a way but the sudden crises that are really serious have tested me considerably both before Easter and this week. It is never good going home not knowing if the dreaded e mail about a suicide will come the next day. That is the world I inhabit and sometimes I'm left powerless in very difficult situations and just pray to anyone or anything divine, lucky, fated or other that I am right. Those nights are most uncomfortable.
The day is over now. Handel's Orlando plays and I'm reading a book collated and edited by a cousin whom I've never met. A collection of her grandfather and I suppose my great great uncle's letters from the Great War. Fascinating stuff.
Not sure I will stay up too late or read too much tonight. My eyes want to close and feel tired. I did manage to cook having given up yesterday. Hoisin glazed chicken with cashew nuts and spring onions, very good. From Yan Kit So's Classic Chinese cook book.
Back to Handel until I speak again on here. Take care out there.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday, 14 May 2017
A Weekend of Indulgence.
Greetings everyone. You find me on a Sunday afternoon content in what has been an overly indulgent weekend. My friend Marie came to visit, been ages since she came here. What followed was a gastronomic few days with a certain amount of wine thrown in. Thai prawns with chilli and basil, rare ribeye steaks then capped off with roast rack of lamb for lunch today. Hurrah for weekends.
Now my flat is empty I debated what to do, a film, TV or music. Donizetti won by a landslide so the next couple of hours are taken care of.
As ever the weekend has gone all too quickly. I am having a little bit of an anxious day, not because of work. More as I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. An errant piece of bacon rind seems to have caused me some problems so we will see what the damage is both physically and financially tomorrow.
Dad has been at the Grand Prix today. He's coming to the end of his epic adventure. He seems to have got through despite various mishaps. He returns home on Tuesday. Must get down to see him soon.
My trip to The Waggoners with Sarah on Thursday was a lot of fun. Funny how small the world is, she grew up in the town where I went to boarding school at the same time. We'd known each other ages before we saw that connection. Much to my surprise I ate fish. And very good it was too. Very nice bottle of Malbec so the taxi proved a good choice to make.
With the election coming up I have booked the following day off. I do like staying up very late at elections. My friend James who is a Labour councillor and was inducted as Mayor last week advised me that "we are going to lie down and take our kicking" when I asked how campaigning was going. So not very optimistic. It makes me uneasy that opposition is so disjointed. Democracy needs balance and we haven't had that for a while. My polling card arrived this week so I'm all set for the day. Just a short walk to the local primary school.
I will leave you now and focus on the opera, try to distract myself from thoughts of tomorrow.
I Heard a Voice
Now my flat is empty I debated what to do, a film, TV or music. Donizetti won by a landslide so the next couple of hours are taken care of.
As ever the weekend has gone all too quickly. I am having a little bit of an anxious day, not because of work. More as I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. An errant piece of bacon rind seems to have caused me some problems so we will see what the damage is both physically and financially tomorrow.
Dad has been at the Grand Prix today. He's coming to the end of his epic adventure. He seems to have got through despite various mishaps. He returns home on Tuesday. Must get down to see him soon.
My trip to The Waggoners with Sarah on Thursday was a lot of fun. Funny how small the world is, she grew up in the town where I went to boarding school at the same time. We'd known each other ages before we saw that connection. Much to my surprise I ate fish. And very good it was too. Very nice bottle of Malbec so the taxi proved a good choice to make.
With the election coming up I have booked the following day off. I do like staying up very late at elections. My friend James who is a Labour councillor and was inducted as Mayor last week advised me that "we are going to lie down and take our kicking" when I asked how campaigning was going. So not very optimistic. It makes me uneasy that opposition is so disjointed. Democracy needs balance and we haven't had that for a while. My polling card arrived this week so I'm all set for the day. Just a short walk to the local primary school.
I will leave you now and focus on the opera, try to distract myself from thoughts of tomorrow.
I Heard a Voice
Wednesday, 10 May 2017
Want, Desire, Greed.
Some might argue that the Western world is afflicted with greed. Everywhere we see shops, adverts, cars, restaurants, people displaying a wealth beyond the wildest dreams of many in the world. I live in a relatively peaceful country. I get to vote. I can read what I like, watch what I like and within some boundaries say what I like. And buy what I like...assuming I have the money.
On a glorious day my travels took me back to the lake of old. Shoals of fish were all over, the surface glittering in the sunshine. Shiny, glittery. Beautiful. With my meeting over I took a wander round the shops during my lunch break. A sudden desire to spend hit me. Had I been more reckless or had more money or had bipolar I might have emerged laden, poorer and beaming.
The haul would have contained three suits, a dinner suit (that is a tuxedo to some in the world), a linen blazer, several shirts, two pairs of trousers and a whole pile of books. That I resisted the desire for all of these things is a relief. But it got me thinking that so much of my world here in Hertfordshire is about want, desire and greed.
Composing a text to a great friend who has bipolar and is not as lucky as me in ability to stay well and work consistently I rather amused both of us with the following:
1 How often do I wear a suit?
2 How often do I wear black tie?
3 I can only wear one suit at a time.
4 I have five blazers already two of which are linen.
5 My flat is littered with things I have bought and never use.
6 I have a dozen books waiting to be read but not enough time to read them.
7 Desire is not the same as need.
8 Greed is not a virtue.
Had I had bipolar for real the outcome would have differed. In my more limited mood problem, at least going up, I was able resist what I coveted. After a couple of wonderful spending months when I overdid things it was not time to be reckless. I did not need any of those things. Yet simply the desire has made me ponder closely exactly what my mood is doing to me at the moment.
Back home on a warm evening opera night is under way with Mozart and I will return to D H Lawrence after writing this post.
I Heard a Voice.
On a glorious day my travels took me back to the lake of old. Shoals of fish were all over, the surface glittering in the sunshine. Shiny, glittery. Beautiful. With my meeting over I took a wander round the shops during my lunch break. A sudden desire to spend hit me. Had I been more reckless or had more money or had bipolar I might have emerged laden, poorer and beaming.
The haul would have contained three suits, a dinner suit (that is a tuxedo to some in the world), a linen blazer, several shirts, two pairs of trousers and a whole pile of books. That I resisted the desire for all of these things is a relief. But it got me thinking that so much of my world here in Hertfordshire is about want, desire and greed.
Composing a text to a great friend who has bipolar and is not as lucky as me in ability to stay well and work consistently I rather amused both of us with the following:
1 How often do I wear a suit?
2 How often do I wear black tie?
3 I can only wear one suit at a time.
4 I have five blazers already two of which are linen.
5 My flat is littered with things I have bought and never use.
6 I have a dozen books waiting to be read but not enough time to read them.
7 Desire is not the same as need.
8 Greed is not a virtue.
Had I had bipolar for real the outcome would have differed. In my more limited mood problem, at least going up, I was able resist what I coveted. After a couple of wonderful spending months when I overdid things it was not time to be reckless. I did not need any of those things. Yet simply the desire has made me ponder closely exactly what my mood is doing to me at the moment.
Back home on a warm evening opera night is under way with Mozart and I will return to D H Lawrence after writing this post.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday, 7 May 2017
At Last the Sun!
Hello out there is you are listening. Are you having a good weekend? The sun is finally shining here in Hertfordshire after somewhat indifferent and chilly times recently. I'm home on a Sunday afternoon with a glass of Pimm's and Tosca. It makes such a difference listening to opera when one knows the story.
The weekend got off to a delayed start after having to work late on Friday. All hell seemed to break loose that day, not directly at me but it almost overwhelmed others. Leaving late I have my fingers crossed that nothing will go wrong over the weekend. It is awful dealing with days taking a risk on a decision and hoping it will pan out. I did not make those decisions but I sincerely hope they work out.
I spent much of yesterday in a rather chilly Cambridge for the Varsity Bowl. The Cambridge University Pythons emerged victorious over the Oxford University Lancers in an epic double overtime encounter. Saw some old friends, made new ones then warmed up in The Devonshire Arms afterwards. Good day out.
In the wider world politics is once again coming to the fore in my country. Local elections saw the destruction of UKIP leaving the question what on earth do they represent now? Whilst there is a lot of chatter on social media about the honourable Mr Corbyn results suggest his Labour party are going to get hammered in five weeks time. Is it wise to have an all conquering ruling party? History tells us that is unwise but I suspect it is what we are going to get.
What the week will bring me I don't know. I'm going out to dinner with my friend Sarah on Thursday. I'm looking forward to that, a trip to The Waggoners and I won't be driving so perhaps a good bottle of wine is on the cards. Do have a good week everyone, see you soon.
I Heard a Voice.
The weekend got off to a delayed start after having to work late on Friday. All hell seemed to break loose that day, not directly at me but it almost overwhelmed others. Leaving late I have my fingers crossed that nothing will go wrong over the weekend. It is awful dealing with days taking a risk on a decision and hoping it will pan out. I did not make those decisions but I sincerely hope they work out.
I spent much of yesterday in a rather chilly Cambridge for the Varsity Bowl. The Cambridge University Pythons emerged victorious over the Oxford University Lancers in an epic double overtime encounter. Saw some old friends, made new ones then warmed up in The Devonshire Arms afterwards. Good day out.
In the wider world politics is once again coming to the fore in my country. Local elections saw the destruction of UKIP leaving the question what on earth do they represent now? Whilst there is a lot of chatter on social media about the honourable Mr Corbyn results suggest his Labour party are going to get hammered in five weeks time. Is it wise to have an all conquering ruling party? History tells us that is unwise but I suspect it is what we are going to get.
What the week will bring me I don't know. I'm going out to dinner with my friend Sarah on Thursday. I'm looking forward to that, a trip to The Waggoners and I won't be driving so perhaps a good bottle of wine is on the cards. Do have a good week everyone, see you soon.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday, 3 May 2017
Unnecessarily Anxious
Today had gone well in the main. I did what I needed to do, there were no major crises, I caught up on a few things, saw a few people then got off a little early to go to my GP surgery to collect a prescription and make an appointment. All seemed even better when I managed to book an appointment on Monday, that never happens.
All continued to look good until I got to the chemist to get said prescription only to find somehow somewhere I had mislaid it. All pockets, bags, diaries and the car searched yet to no avail. With that anxiety decided to join the party and send me into difficult territory. Maybe I left it in the surgery. Maybe it fell out of my pocket. It certain doesn't have any narcotic benefit to anyone who perchance finds it and goes to claim. One item is very dangerous in overdose but who would know that?
I tell my students to worry about what they can control not what they can't. I know there is nothing I can do until tomorrow. The surgery was shut when I phoned. I can call in the morning or drop in. At worst I can ask him for another one on Monday. But still the nightmare that is anxiety gnaws away and confirms that wholly negative way I look at myself tonight after something small went wrong.
Opera night is not opera night if those fears come back. The key will be to immerse myself in Le Nozze di Figaro and let go. It is just so hard to let go. But let go I must.
By Monday at the latest I will have a resolution of what is in the grand scheme of things a small problem.
I Heard a Voice.
All continued to look good until I got to the chemist to get said prescription only to find somehow somewhere I had mislaid it. All pockets, bags, diaries and the car searched yet to no avail. With that anxiety decided to join the party and send me into difficult territory. Maybe I left it in the surgery. Maybe it fell out of my pocket. It certain doesn't have any narcotic benefit to anyone who perchance finds it and goes to claim. One item is very dangerous in overdose but who would know that?
I tell my students to worry about what they can control not what they can't. I know there is nothing I can do until tomorrow. The surgery was shut when I phoned. I can call in the morning or drop in. At worst I can ask him for another one on Monday. But still the nightmare that is anxiety gnaws away and confirms that wholly negative way I look at myself tonight after something small went wrong.
Opera night is not opera night if those fears come back. The key will be to immerse myself in Le Nozze di Figaro and let go. It is just so hard to let go. But let go I must.
By Monday at the latest I will have a resolution of what is in the grand scheme of things a small problem.
I Heard a Voice.
Monday, 1 May 2017
Third String Debut Brilliance.
Hello out there, I'm back. There's not much sign of the sun today and I got a little wet earlier. May Day, party on from Padstow to Moscow. I'm not really partying but pass a day off with opera and a little reading. I did venture out earlier to get my hair cut and to restock the fridge.
The weekend with Jayne was fabulous. Our American friends call a back up back up the third string and my opera night was a debut for such a person. Tosca was ill, her understudy was ill so we heard from the side of the stage a brilliant debut by Elin Pritchard whilst the part was mimed on stage by someone else. Odd I guess and I suspect there were more than a few nerves but she was brilliant. Brutal story but a masterpiece.
It was fun seeing my old friend Laura too. I think it may well have been 1982 when I last saw her. We had a couple of beers and a catch up on many years in between. Very pleased to hear her sons are rowers. I doubt I will ever fit in a boat again, too fat, but I do like that it carries on in Cambridge.
Jayne and I were somewhat self indulgent but we don't get to see each other nearly enough so why not.
My return home heralded a not so good night, bad dreams and early waking but I don't feel as anxious as I might have done. Mood is okay but we will see how it gets tested when I return to work tomorrow.
Dad managed to get his flight to Barcelona okay. He is launching forth on a grand cruise followed by a stop to see the Grand Prix. Not my scene but he loves it. Really hoping he has a great time.
Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend and hope the rain stays away. Until next time.
I Heard a Voice.
The weekend with Jayne was fabulous. Our American friends call a back up back up the third string and my opera night was a debut for such a person. Tosca was ill, her understudy was ill so we heard from the side of the stage a brilliant debut by Elin Pritchard whilst the part was mimed on stage by someone else. Odd I guess and I suspect there were more than a few nerves but she was brilliant. Brutal story but a masterpiece.
It was fun seeing my old friend Laura too. I think it may well have been 1982 when I last saw her. We had a couple of beers and a catch up on many years in between. Very pleased to hear her sons are rowers. I doubt I will ever fit in a boat again, too fat, but I do like that it carries on in Cambridge.
Jayne and I were somewhat self indulgent but we don't get to see each other nearly enough so why not.
My return home heralded a not so good night, bad dreams and early waking but I don't feel as anxious as I might have done. Mood is okay but we will see how it gets tested when I return to work tomorrow.
Dad managed to get his flight to Barcelona okay. He is launching forth on a grand cruise followed by a stop to see the Grand Prix. Not my scene but he loves it. Really hoping he has a great time.
Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend and hope the rain stays away. Until next time.
I Heard a Voice.
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