Is it really nearly over? Will the turbulence continue? Will I find a way forward? All vexing questions as I type my last post of 2020. Could any of us really known what was to come as we launched forth into a new decade and a new year exactly a year ago? Given that has been a century since a world wide pandemic we were all floundering in the dark of an optimism which now seems so misplaced.
Now I face New Year alone. I've been alone much of this year. I cannot see my friends. I cannot see my family. And I cannot see a clear way forward. My life is in turmoil at times, I cannot stop sleeping, and anxiety and guilt are riding roughshod over my world right now. I'm also in pain as my on going neck problem has decided to flare up again during the holiday.
So what to do on this lonely New Year's Eve? Well be decadent of course. The champagne is in the fridge. The comfort food of cottage pie is on the menu. The opera is on the radio. And I have all I need. All that is except the people.
Most years I ask myself where I will be come year's end. Now that seems so remote other than more anxiety, unhappiness and uncertainty. For reasons I singularly fail to understand many people look up to me, respect me and think I'm wise. The messages over the holiday bear testament to that. I'm always in demand when others are in trouble. Much to my surprise when I do reach out when I struggle people respond. But no one has a plan to get me out of where I am now. Least of all me.
Maybe come 2022 my world will be radically different. Brave decisions to be made but at this point I'm neither brave enough nor strong enough for radical shifts. We have to get through 2021 first.
Most will say tonight good riddance and swear it can't get any worse to and than 2020. Time will tell but I don't feel very optimistic.
However as I close out the year I wish you all the best, say Happy New Year, and may you all prosper and thrive in 2021.
I Heard a Voice.
2020 has been a dumpster fire. I constantly worry about Mum getting COVID because she is old and has high blood pressure. If anything happens to her I'll need an aide, because taking care of myself when I'm grieving is a big struggle. It's bad enough I lost Papa (it was in the 80s but I still hurts). If I lose Mum too it will make me lose a few brain cells. I do want to live, but I don't want to be "mature", "resilient", or "strong". I'm a highly sensitive person and enjoy my all-or-nothing thinking. It's a crying shame that the world is geared towards strong, tough people. God dropped the ball when He didn't make life easy.
ReplyDeleteI have BPD. But I don't mind, because I love having strong feelings.
COVID is the worst thing to happen in my lifetime. It feels like wartime. So heartbreaking. I have not been playing music as much as I did before the pandemic. When I do play, it's solemn music such as Handel's Sarabande in D minor and Bach's Passacaglia in C minor. (Baroque music is my favorite). I still love the hymn tune FOREST GREEN, but I don't think it fits my mood this year.
I hope you enjoyed my long commentary. Have a safe and healthy day.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry not to have responded sooner, been so busy trying to get through each day in these difficult times I hadn't read your comment until tonight.
I feel for your loss, I feel for your fear and I feel for you. Such a powerful and brave post.
If you have read through some of my blog you will see I have battled mental illness for 30 years. For 11 years it was terrible but eventually I found a way. And getting the medication right really helped.
Sounds like you know your music. I listen to dark and sad music when I need to feel something. Sometimes the tears come.
A very wise woman said to me many years ago it is OK to mourn for yourself.
I think this pandemic has shown that strength, resilience and smiling do not always work. My friends call me strong and inspirational but on the low days that feels so false. But day at a time, task at a time I get through most days.