Gratuitous Blows.

In the many years I have battled mental illness both in myself and those I support it has become abundantly clear that whatever the label one is given (and I've had many) what makes it far worse is associated anxiety. Matt Haig put it brilliantly in his book Reasons to Stay Alive "adding anxiety to depression is like giving cocaine to an alcoholic". It devastates lives.

Like my mum before me the older I get the more anxiety comes at the drop of a hat. Such tiny things can destroy the day, take away precious sleep and make me vulnerable to a slump in mood.

Of course no one can completely take anxiety and stress out of his or her life. Some thrive on it. My reputation as a practitioner is universally of someone who always stays calm. All the GPs, psychiatrists and other colleagues at HPFT say the same thing but it is so much easier to do when dealing with others than with myself. Calm though I may be at work, I am not calm at home.

Having had a beautiful long weekend where I was relaxed and refreshed I woke on Monday morning feeling absolutely wiped out. No idea what is happening with me. The physical symptoms are hard to define other than a sense of being worn out and wanting to sleep all day. Sure I have taken a couple of days off and no doubt will feel better in time. What I didn't need was the type of gratuitous hammer blow of running out of medication.

My faith in the pharmacy by my flat was dented in August when I was going away and a bank holiday was looming. Not wanting to run out I placed my order early. They simply refused to do it and we ran really close to running out.

Now I'm not allowed to put it in early I left it until the Friday before last. Last Friday I went in to collect but no medication. As so often happens the pharmacy blames the GP and the GP blames the pharmacist. A late flurry of calls and I was promised a prescription that day.

Yesterday no medication either. Each blamed the other again. Well in a news flash I don't really care whose fault it is I just want my medication. More calls and I have been promised medication today.

I acknowledge mistakes happen. God I make enough myself. But when feeling vulnerable and shit I really don't need this shit.

At 5.30 I will go back and see if the promise is fulfilled. If not then for the first time in nearly 30 years I will have run out of medication. I hate to think what that will look like.

Take care out there and don't allow anxiety to shake your self belief, shatter your confidence and precipitate something out of control.

I Heard a Voice.