Asking Too Much.

There is a week to go before I get a break. Then and only then will I be able to switch off. A short but very difficult week has left me tired and on edge. I struggled to get out of bed despite waking up very late. Everything has been an effort today. But at almost 4 pm on a cold, wet and miserable day here in Hertfordshire I'm still standing.

My strange route into my line of work is well documented. Once upon a time it was just like talking to friends. Now nearly twenty years later at times I feel old and jaded. I hope I do it for the right reasons. True I long ago acknowledged that I cannot change the world. I am not always compassion enough. And I find it extremely hard when people are hostile. Through that though I must persevere.

This week I was faced with hostility and blame for failure. I do not study for students. I cannot do their placements for them. I cannot magic away their problems. Sometimes too much is asked of me and that hurts.

Tomorrow I will pick up further hostility and blame and it makes me feel shit about myself. I'm acutely aware that the mental health system is flawed. Be it in the NHS or the world of universities we can never always get it right. Or deliver what people want. Not getting the answer one wants does not necessarily equate to not being supported.

Back in the 1990s when my illness was at its height and I was angry and broken young man I expected far too much of those around me. It felt as if the world was against me and nothing went right. Years of exasperation started to change when I realised I had to change my life. And changing my life was fucking hard. The battle of the last thirty years of my life has been exactly that at times. A battle. 

The way I feel today I do not want to go into battle tomorrow. An alarm going off in the morning will immediately stimulate a sharp spike in my anxiety. That will hurt. But I've been there before and coped. So I can do it again.

Now I will leave you with thoughts of Puccini opera, roast beef and an evening of NFL action. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.