A grey, cold and wet morning greeted me when I woke up. The morning after the day before. It had not been a good day. Someone, somewhere, sometime once wrote "to err is human, to forgive is Divine". I did not feel very divine after yesterday.
We all know those days when all the most challenging people come knocking oblivious to what has happened and needed what they needed now. In my world sometimes I am faced with the darkest of nights. On the bad days life is truly black.
Back in those terrible dark days of the early months of 2018 when dad was so ill and I was facing homelessness my Cambridge friend Harvey gave me some wise advice, "I have learned to forgive myself for the things I get wrong". Given my past and the expectation of a King's chorister, a Cambridge graduate that has always been a battle for me. And with that comes mistrust. My at times brutal career has taught me that.
Late last night having drunk far more than I should to block out the turmoil and memories I turned to my first book A Pillar of Impotence and read the final chapter. That moment of eternal glory rising from the depths of mental illness to defeat death and destruction and be on top of the world. Reading that helped a little stepping back from the mirror I stared into yesterday afternoon.
From the bleak start and anxiety ridden dreams with the help of my friends and colleagues I righted the ship. Every time I get things wrong it feels like I have erred. But can I forgive myself? That is the right of the Divine but I am not that.
By the evening the little mistake I made in the shop leaving an item behind was in its place. So what? That would not have happened yesterday.
Venturing into my private world of cooking I triumphed with a Vietnamese pho, reflected on how foolish I had been and forgave myself for not trusting. People came through for me today. The hard part is just asking for and accepting their help. The world is not always evil. And sometimes it is good to trust.
Until next time.
I Heard a Voice.
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