A simple e mail on a Friday afternoon. An unexpected e mail. My fallibility on line. My lack of confidence. It set in motion a train of thought that stole my sleep, made me on edge, and thinking the end of the world was nigh. It was from my bank telling me I was being charged for something. Never had that before. Yes I spent more than planned last month and had unexpected health bills but that seemed ridiculous. Anxiety I fucking hate you!
The following Monday, today, I could take it no longer and went home early to ask them. The culprit a 59p interest charge. How the fuck can I fall apart because of that? But that is the creeping, insidious and crippling nature of anxiety.
Now with Handel playing, a fine effort in the kitchen for a very creditable Moussaka I'm more relaxed but despairing at how vulnerable I can be to something so small. Given sometimes I have to make life saving decisions this should not even register on my emotional radar. Yet still it will not lay down and give up the ghost and leave me to get on with my life.
I was supposed to see my psychiatrist today but he is still unwell. I will see my therapist on Wednesday so they are still looking after me. Also had a quite useful meeting today at which I was relieved to learn that many of more fears and irritants are shared by my immediate colleagues. They are crying out for direction. The answer is not yet another policy or process but a hard look at what we are expected to do.
Summer marches on all the same though. The relentless grind of time. It is just over three weeks until I turn 50. Now that is a milestone. Still undecided what I will do I'm hoping dad will come up, Miriam will come down and Beka if she is around. It will also mark my holiday. The final pit stop before the endless stream of demand comes back in September.
Enjoy your week.
I Heard a Voice.
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