This weekend there will be four minds whirring away, aflame with thought, what if, why and how will it help? Five years ago I completed my MSc. In it I prophesied what should happen but it was ignored. Well not really ignored. Drip by drip, piece by piece it is coming true. But I don't think it will help me much. Fear stalks my mind and what looks like an untenable future. There are few possible outcomes that do me well. The not options are not at all palatable. The bright option is so unlikely that I'm more likely to have the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse arriving for tea in dinner jackets and bearing sweet pastries.
The week has been pretty brutal. I did not switch off from it for all of my waking day throughout the week. It has left me despondent and black. Can things pick up? Given I have no one to talk to until September I fear that the darkness will abide and spoil things.
On learning news this week I turned to the melancholia of Michael Head's song cycle Over the Rim of the Moon. So beautiful but so sad. Does that reflect a life gone wrong? A life marred by mental illness? A life of what might have been. All these thoughts crowd in on me today.
Being woken early by some cretin strimming the bushes right outside my bedroom window at 8 am did not help. My mood is flat and lonely. Yes I have a BBQ to prepare for tomorrow. But where do I find the motivation to do all the preparation? Each hour will tick by in inertia. If I leave things I know tomorrow I will awake in further fear.
My safety net of the kitchen is cluttered and dirty. Food is everywhere but I can do nothing with it. Will tomorrow revive my spirits? I do hope so.
For now I will leave you. Have a good weekend.
I Heard a Voice.
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