Looking in from Outside.

The urge to walk into town to see Yang and indulge in The Fu Hao was tremendous today. Partly driven by ribs, partly driven by seeing my friend and partly because I felt too tired to cook. But I tarried a while at home then summoned up the energy to cook pork with chilli and basil. It was okay but no more than that.

Often my going out is as a result of a bad day. Why not indulge in ribs and a couple of Tsing Tao beers and escape the box that is my home? However, it is clear that I need to economise and limit my indulgence. In truth today was not a bad day. It is just that it is taking some adjustment and soul searching now I am finally back to work.

Three days in I suppose it is going okay. So many people seem genuinely delighted to see me and tell me they have missed me. I don't often find that easy to hear. Harder though is a sense that I have been pushed aside. Like an outsider looking in. My pessimistic and suspicious anxiety makes me feel uneasy at times.

More people are leaving and I'm not sure what to make of it. If you had read this blog for a while you will be well aware that I forever battle on my unquiet mind whether to leave or stay. Still that formed part of my recent travails. But where to? I have thought of walking away but that's not really a very practical option. But it makes me uneasy that so many have left and no one is asking a question about that. Maybe they are but I'm not party to that conversation.

I'm hanging onto the fact that I knew I would be tired, I knew I would have doubts, and I knew it would take time. Life without certainty can be unsettling.

My psychiatrist thinks I need longer away. Perhaps I had underestimated the depth of darkness to which I succumbed. My previous dealings with so many psychiatrists always felt as if they thought I was lying. I didn't feel believed. So I guess they did believe me this time. He asked legitimately how I would cope when the world is going mad, my caseload is too much and yet another emergency call came in? The answer is I don't think I will. Is that not the essence of being jaded and burned out?

But there is time before that happens. What we have put in place re psychology will I hope focus on getting me to a position where such a devastating relapse does not destroy me again when autumn comes. I must keep focused on what is in front of me not what is weeks ahead.

For opera night I have put on Idomeneo, quite a while since I listened to that. Enjoy the rest of the week, the weekend will appear on the horizon shortly.

I Heard a Voice.