Hiding in the Shadows.

I'm listening to the most recent King's recording of the Mozart Requiem. Rather lacks passion but then Stephen Cleobury's conducting was never that. At least in comparison to his predecessor. I knew both of course. Ledger died a few months after mum. If you trawl back long enough on here you will find my thoughts on going to his funeral. It's a while since I listened to a lot of King's; become a bit too stuck on opera recently.

There is not much cheer out on a dull, overcast and rather chilly day. I do not want to face the world today and will be content to hide in the shadows. My waking moments were full of fear. The last few days in general have not been easy. So I have in the main hidden from people. I did briefly pop out last night but didn't like the attention that I drew so quickly withdrew.

Next week we up the hours and we up the ante. Am I ready for that? Will I survive my first student contact? Can I match expectation? Things are pretty unsettled there at the moment. Unusually frenetic for June there have been more resignations. Will others follow I wonder? My feelings on returning fluctuate day to day. I think I have achieved something just going in. That seemed a life time away in my darkest moments. I haven't fled for the hills so overwhelmed with fear I was sick. And yes that happened too in the darkest moments.

Part of my fear is do I have the time and energy needed to build the resilience enough for the onslaught in September? For reasons I don't fully understand they have brought forward the start of next academic year. So less of the autumn to appreciate the falling leaves and morning mists in relative serenity. Once the starting gun goes off all hell breaks loose.

For me though I must put that all in perspective. There is time to go, there is support and there is therapy. God I hate that word. My first session went surprisingly well. I'm relieved to be faced with a human and emotion being on the other side of the room rather than a deadpan statue as some therapists seem to cultivate. Why do they do that? They call it boundaries. Oh for some humanity but I think I have found some. Next session Thursday week.

And for the rest of this Sunday afternoon? A small shoulder of pork joint will go in the oven around 3 pm for a fiery blast followed by a slow leisurely cooking at much lower temperature. Perhaps a short walk once it's underway. See you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.