Gun Shy After the Layoff?

For those of you who share my passion for the NFL it goes without saying that the 1985 Chicago Bears team that took Super Bowl XX has to rank amongst the greatest teams in league history. I argue they are the greatest I ever saw. What is forgotten in the hype about the Fridge, Jim McMahon and the legendary late Walter Payton was what happened to the team they vanquished in that epic victory. More specifically Tony Eason the Patriots quarterback who never recovered from the devastating destruction by the famous 46 defense. I don't recall specifically but if I recall he only played another couple of years before being forgotten. He had become what they call gun shy.

Leaving work yesterday the term gun shy seemed apt for me. Yes I have made it through two weeks which even a month ago would have seemed impossible. Something to be proud of. But for the first time the spectre of could I ever have the emotional resilience to my trouble shooting, high end, serious mental illness role ever return? Ako vaguely touched on it last time I ventured into the world of psychiatrists. In truth I have my doubts. But the suggested rather than implied option to drop down to a lower grade and have less stress was not one I wanted to hear. It was implied rather than anything else but alarmed me.

A day later I'm a bit wiped out. All at sea and thinking a lot of what once was and what may be to come. It is another anniversary day, 27 years since this all started on a sunny Saturday morning in Cambridge just before May Week. A single missive, carefully written, yes in those days we did write letters, sent me reeling into oblivion.

Many will laud my survival after all that. The next decade or so was pretty dreadful. Not always my own kindest friend on days when I feel low I can see no merit in that battle. It was just something I did. When faced with mental illness you either fight back or lay down to die. Eventually I fought back. And all these years later on days like today I have to fight back.

So Handel plays, I've done some domestic stuff that was causing me anxiety. And I have swordfish for my dinner. As for those tortured thoughts of depression that enclose me round about like the fat bulls of Basan in the psalms, I must sit them out and learn to fight another day.

I Heard a Voice.