Undue Praise.

A raw, bitter northerly wind is scything through the air out there in the world. We are anticipating snow. Unlike my normal Friday I'm at home indoors with the heating on. I'm listening to Verdi for the first time in a while. Waiting for a phone call I will stay put until it comes. Good to be away from work and not feel guilty or anxious. It truth I booked the day off to sort my car. That is the call I'm expecting.

Taking a cab into town after dropping the car off I made a little progress on Christmas shopping. Only two more things to get and all the wrapping.

I'm trying hard to make sense of the past week. Busy is an understatement. Did I do some good? I do hope so. The week was one I was dreading as it contained my annual lecture to the psychology students. As I have noted before on here I feel like abandoning teaching and speaking but I held on.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in and a student said to me "are you the Mark that wrote the books?" I wasn't expecting that. Apparently I have a reputation. I came away two and half hours later exhausted and disappointed. Not for abject failure but for missing out the key moment of the story and having to go back. A bit like telling a brilliant joke but forgetting the punchline. Whilst I dwell on failure the students will judge me for what I am. That feedback will come and I will be too nervous to read it. Yet after I met with the academic who invited me and was equally shocked when she said "it is a privilege to have you teach our students". Apparently the feedback has always been awesome.

Being a known and praised figure unnerves me sometimes. Rather uncomfortable when people know my name and what I do and over praise me. Earlier in the week a visitor told me I was famous in mental health circles. I should of course be buoyed by such sentiment but given that all those years ago I was accused of narcissism you can understand my surprised response.

Deep down we all need validation. That my confidence is at best shaky these days nice things happening should be good. I just never feel there is any lessening of expectation. Constants feelings of why didn't you do that plague my daily life. I think there is a lot I do well but all I ever notice is what I fail to do well. Why can't I just be?

Increasingly it feels like I need to do something about my anxiety. Caroline would tell me to meditate. But to do that I need to be disciplined and I'm not too good at that.

Away from the self criticism I'm pleased to report that I had a lovely evening out at The Waggoners on Wednesday for Sarah's birthday. They were so kind they gave us a free glass of champagne each.

I will probably return on the weekend so see you then.

I Heard a Voice.