What a week. It has all happened this week. And it is day 28 without a cigarette. Remember that old film "Airplane" where the air traffic controller repeatedly says "I picked the wrong week to give up...." as each catastrophe unfolds. The result is I came home today deflated, tired, disillusioned and feeling utterly useless. All I wanted to do is immerse myself in a large plate of ribs and slob out. Given the the risk of weight gain and the feeling of being eternally hungry having given up smoking I have to resist.
The bizarre thing is yesterday and today I did a lot of good. You may recall that is my measure when the going gets tough. We are all dealing with the fall out from Monday. I was just a small part in that young man's life. I was not his friend or relative. But it still hurts. And that sense of failure that I so fear. Will I be found out? I found myself uttering those words to 2 other people today when I was advising them. Can I advise myself? Can I fuck.
I did what I should have done a long time ago and called my supervisor. She is not my boss but in my field we all have supervisors who help and guide us. I have been so arrogant, busy, angry or ill in the last few months that I haven't seen her this year. We will meet on Tuesday.
Back in what passes for my world it was tempting to eat things that are not good. Tempting too to drink too much. The compromise though was a single glass of Pimm's and the old favourite of "The Marriage of Figaro". It is just what I need.
Tomorrow is tomorrow. What is clear after the last couple of days is nothing is going to change in the day job. I may have voiced that yesterday but those with power don't care. So I will focus on the MSc, will know more next week, keep up the no smoking, and then move on. I guess my chances will be greater with the MSc but I still feel deceived. It is a ruthless world out there. The events of this week do put that in perspective. Those is us still about still have to face tomorrow though. So be it.
I Heard a Voice.
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