Tonight I finally got to understand what people call comfort food. It was an alarming realisation that increasing in recent months I have slipped into that mode. Maybe that is why I have put on weight in recent weeks. My comfort food is salt and pepper ribs. When I got back late I knew I couldn't be bothered to cook. I couldn't even be bothered to reheat my Chinese chicken and mushroom stew. So off I went to the take away for the ribs. And they were fucking awful. Do I feel better? Not sure.
I had final confirmation today that I am simply appalling at dealing with people with anxiety problems. I am not a magician as way too many people expected me to be today. I am powerless in the face of people who choose not to do rather than to do. That was why I could never help my mum. Of course by not doing we prove to ourselves that we are the failures we believe ourselves to be. And there in lies the trap. We become the perfect failures by doing nothing. It did not make me feel good but I am not, repeat am not a magician. If I were I would soon be out of a job.
Talking of which if I can summon up the energy at the weekend I am applying for another job. Doubt they will even get back to me but I know if I do nothing nothing will happen. I really don't want to uproot my life again. I'm too old for that shit. But I cannot keep going as things are. Tomorrow I have to deal with the fall out from last Friday-can't be more specific than that.
Yet not all is bad in my life. Yesterday not 1 but 2 students independently told me they had nominated me for that award that I failed to win last year. Can I win this year? I will find out in June.
Next week I must attend 2 funerals. Somehow that seems more real and important than anxiety. Am I becoming too cynical?
I Heard a Voice.
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