Well this is the 106th and final post of 2012. If you have followed through this year you will have noticed the storm I have been riding for almost 12 months. So what did 2012 bring me? In many ways a lot of misery.
I have been through the deaths of 7 people known to me including my mum. Is that too many for a 43 year old to deal with? Well my world is one of sudden death but it has been a tremendously difficult time for me. But I'm still here.
I had my relapse, the 2nd since moving to Hertfordshire in 2007. Is that bad sign? Maybe. It is sometimes easy to forget that I have a mental illness as most of the time I'm fine. On Friday I will see my Doctor for the first time since my relapse. He will continue along in his deluded way that I have 3 conditions that I don't have but that is what is on his screen so it must be true. This despite the fact that at least 1 of those labels was a differential diagnosis by a Doctor who wasn't even qualified. Why do Doctors choose to deceive us?
This last year seems like a time of deceit and lies. But who are we lying to? Do I lie to myself? Am I still deluded? My books say one thing but those with power say otherwise.
As I enter 2013 I am stuck and unhappy. Not yet mentally ill but vulnerable to that much feared return to my madness. I cannot predict my future any more than I can change my past. Only time will tell where the next part of my story goes.
Yet it wasn't all bad. I have written another book during some of the most difficult times of my life. And of course there was the award that wasn't. I didn't win but being short-listed proves that at least some of the students value what I do. As a noted a few weeks ago I now trying to judge a day by whether I did some good; I hope I did more good than bad in 2012.
I hope you all have a wonderful New Year and a healthy and prosperous 2013. See you then.
I Heard a Voice.
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