Last Friday when I got to work I heard about another 2 apparent suicides. One was a student that I didn't know-it was the 4th we have had in 4 months. The other happened at my local railway station. Over the week little pieces of information started coming together in my suspicious mind. I hoped I had added 2 and 2 and come up with 5. Sadly, my local paper website confirmed as I feared that it was someone I knew.
Mum died 5 weeks ago yesterday. Up until about an hour ago the death toll since then of people I knew or friends knew was 5. Then I got a text from my neighbour to tell me of another. It has indeed been a very sad few weeks.
If you know me or have read my book you will realise that I have an understanding of suicide that few professionals can match. I am afterall a survivor of suicide. Deep in my mind it still lurks somewhere in the darkness of my madness. But I don't think it will return. I have now lost 9 friends, a cousin I had never met, a student and now my acquaintance here to suicide. The true figure of course is higher-suicide verdicts are rare and I'm not sure the latest one will get that verdict. Should a 42 year old even doing what I do have endured it so many times? Probably not.
My first week back has been busy, tough and gruelling. I have come home shattered each night even though I have seen many of my most interesting students this week. It may be just early days but I am questinoning if I was really ready to be back full time. Only time will tell.
It is wet, grey and dull out. Cold too. And this is during a drought. It reflect my thoughts, tired and flat. I am glad the weekend is coming. I'm within touching distance of finishing my book but have been too tired to write. I hope I can do it over this long weekend.
I Heard a Voice.
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