Promising Week Turned Sour.

Had I come on here to write on Thursday things would have been optimistic and good. Slowly but surely I am getting to grips with the job. I had bought some wonderful produce from a newly discovered fishmongers in Hatfield Market. And I was looking forward to a long weekend with my friend Marie who was visiting from Kent. 

All was going swimmingly until I slept poorly on Friday night and came down with an upset stomach on Saturday. By Sunday morning I was crippled by anxiety and my stomach was still doing cartwheels. 

Add in overcooked rack of lamb and the optimism of last week has evaporated. 

That it is a temporary setback I have no doubt. Just a shame that a promising long weekend has been marred by malady.

Yet it being Sunday there is opera. The Rams take on the hated 49ers in the NFC Championship Game tonight, too late for me to watch as I'm working tomorrow. But a victory will go a long way towards righting my ship.

The week ahead will come one day at a time. And I intend to thrive if I can. I have my final therapy session on Wednesday. It will be a shame to say goodbye but he has indicated he wants to stay in touch. All the greatest practitioners are mavericks and break the rules. Therapy is a human interaction not a boundaried inhuman exchange that suits the needs of the therapist more than the needs of the individual. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Stalked by Fear and Doubt.

It is never good to wake up early and be battered by fear and self doubt. That is what happened to me at 8 am today. Not pleasant at all.

Thinking back though to Friday, a late unscheduled meeting over a computer screen I struggled to read was never going to end well. Thus my awful start to the day.

Trying to rescue something and stabilise things I thought back to last night. I was not at work but I worked.

Confronted by one close friend on a video call with a ligature round her neck and a dying battery then another friend reeling from the news that his sister only has two months left to left it was hard not to go into work mode.

I think I did well. So why can't I rid myself of this terrible fear that haunts me like a spectre?

In therapy on Wednesday I made a sudden connection that it had made a difference. That other spectre of guilt is now partially under control. And that is a good thing. 

Feeling a little more stable now. The belly pork is going in the oven at 4 pm and I am thankful for all that is good in my life.

I Heard a Voice. 

That Day is Coming.

Had she lived my mum would be turning 90 this coming Wednesday. Can it really be a decade since she died? It was something of a jolt that hit me when I realised and that we are all getting old 

My relationship with her was fraught much of my later life. She was difficult, angry and challenging much of the time but I try to remember how the children liked to see her as a governor of St Peter's primary school in Folkestone. Once a week I would drive her over there and we would teach the children to read.

19th January is always a day of reflection and asking what if. I tried to help as she deteriorated mentally and physically but she always thought she was right and I could do nothing for her.

Back in my little world it is a grey day. The winter sun that pervaded much of the week has given way to January greyness. So too the freezing temperatures. So cold in the week I couldn't even get the key in my car door.

I'm exactly two months into my new job. I'm still struggling with a lot but so are all the other new managers. So will get extra training. 

Covid has not helped as three of our team plus my manager have gone down with it and people are anxious. Hard to manage that.

That can wait though. I'm home now just relaxing. I double booked myself tonight so had to turn down a party invitation. Instead I will join my friend Zoe for her birthday. 

Steak coming up tonight then roast belly pork tomorrow. Enjoy your weekend everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Good Things are Coming.

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to 2022 and may it be great for you all.

It is both fun and odd to reflect on the last year for me. I started alone, defeated, burnt out and lacking in hope. Then came August. 

My life has been transformed by circumstances. What might have been had I not looked at LinkedIn that day? Firm in my belief I would never get a new job. Well at least one I could afford to live with. But it has happened. 

The old enemy of anxiety continues to haunt me especially when I sleep poorly as I did last night. The new job is hard and still overwhelming. But it's been less than two months, I learn a little more each working day and I'm much happier. 

The grey skies outside do not seem to want to go away. But there is light and optimism on my life which hasn't happened in a long time.

I Heard a Voice. 

Driving Home From Christmas.

Greetings one and all! Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas? We did. Miriam and I triumphed in the kitchen, no one spilt or dropped anything, we had lovely presents and generally had a good time. 

My drive home yesterday was not good at all. Rain, spray and tail backs meant it was long and tiring so relieved to get home in just under three hours. 

Today the rain continues. I did venture forth to the Waterstones sale and bought two lovely cookbooks. Half price on all hardbacks was a nice surprise. 

Good though I feel the anxious dreams keep coming. I don't have to work until Thursday but the fear continues. 

That aside things are going well. Tomorrow I hope to meet my friends Peter and Kym. Not seen them since last summer. 

It would be nice to go to a country pub but don't fancy going out again in the rain. So just some reading I think.

I Heard a Voice. 

Leaden Skies, Calm Sea and Chorizo Stew.

Welcome to Christmas 2021. What has happened in the last two years? To be honest the world we knew has been blown away by fate, circumstance, God or whatever we individually choose to believe. 

At the start of this pandemic I posted about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that had not yet arrived. I'm still waiting. 

On the cusp of Christmas my world has changed beyond recognition. Jabbed thrice over, masked in public and obsessional cleaning the world we once knew has gone. As has my old toxic job.

I am so relieved to have escaped what had become a moribund, thankless and angry life to something new.

Some of the past remains though. After a hiatus of one Christmas once again I'm in Kent with dad, Miriam and Nigel. Everyone is ready. I walked along the beach this afternoon under leaden skies. I did the hated wrapping. And now I'm cooking chorizo and chickpea stew. 

Tomorrow will be awesome. Maybe I'll post then. But if I don't may I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New year. 

Take care.

I Heard a Voice. 

Little Light With Darkness Coming.

 Beautiful pale winter sunlight briefly illuminated my little world in the week. No sign of the sun since and today we are cloaked in cold and fog. There is a sense of coming darkness. 

The pandemic has once again fought back. Each time we get to grips with it it twists out of our grasp. I'm certain we will be locked down again. The question is when?

As things stand I'm in the office Monday and Tuesday, working from home on Wednesday then travelling to Kent on Thursday. Will it happen? I don't know. 

My self doubt was very much to the fore this morning when I woke up. For every step forward I take in my new venture another doubt pops up. But it has only been five weeks. My colleague in another team started five weeks before me told me she was all at sea at that point. If I'm honest me too.

I can do nothing of the morrow this afternoon as I sit in the warm listening to Figaro. 

Ahead lies roast partridge, a glass of Rioja and the NFL. Tomorrow will come and it will be fine.

I Heard a Voice.