A Date is Set, a Plan in Place.

Close to six months after I walked out of my office to go and have a Christmas break I will finally be returning. Life can be cruel, it can be fickle, and it can be unpredictable. Sometimes these things can be for good and sometimes for ill. That it has mainly been for ill is certainly not what I wanted. For too long I have tried to make things happen and fate has decided not to collude with me. Is it about time that changed? I do hope.

On Monday I will go back to my office and try to pick up the pieces of what was once a promising career. The confidence and arrogance is long gone. Fear stalks me some days but I need to go back and face the demons that have been hidden from me for too long. Of course I have mixed feelings. Depression and all its deadly foibles robs me of belief and assurance so I will need to rebuild those.

After months of searching my soul I'm no closer to solving the riddle that has been my life in recent years. But is that not normal for a 48 year old and all the cynicism and doubt that middle age brings? I have had the existential battles to mull over whilst I have been off.

With Handel as my guide, a glass of Rioja and hearty dinner of pork chop, roast potatoes and vegetables I'm seeing out my last free days of nothing. I just finished reading Driving Over Lemons and must pick a new book to delve into. I will have less time to read in coming weeks but I will still have Wednesday opera nights.

I have made the difficult decision tonight not to go and watch a West End play penned by one of my former students on Monday evening. Discretion is the better part of valour and I think it is too much to do on such a day. So I wish Samuel well and hope to go for his next effort which I hope will be a triumph.

Miriam and dad are off for a little break in Hampshire tomorrow. It will be a trip down memory lane for him going to childhood places. Those memories of family down there are faded for me, I was too young and not understanding of family rifts. Let us hope they are healed.

This will be my final post of May. June starts on Friday and summer is upon is. After yesterday's deluge and a gloomy air today it would be nice to have somewhere in between too hot and too wet. Just nice. See you in June.

I Heard a Voice.

Don't be a Stranger.

We are coming to the end of this holiday weekend. How glorious has it been? And that lightning on Saturday night! I'm also coming to the end of my visit back down to Kent. I have caught up with so many people and once again am reminded of the breadth and diversity of my friends and the support they have given me in dark times.

This afternoon I took a bit of hike up the hill to Saltwood to see my old friend Sophie. What a lovely afternoon we had just sitting in the garden chatting. Is that what grown ups are supposed to do? We worked it out that the last time we met was at Beka's wedding. Made me realise I must try harder not to be a stranger to the people I don't see often.

Back at dad's flat I'm contemplating dinner and a journey home tomorrow. As I feared my anxiety is rising with prospect of a return to work. Still not certain when that will be as I've heard no more. Perhaps I will be enlightened by close of play tomorrow.

Dad is off playing bowls. Not really sure when he will finish but I suspect we will probably go out to eat as there is not much here and the store will shut soon as it is a holiday. I seem to have done a lot of eating out recently. It's a habit I need to curb given how much more expensive the new flat is.

Last night we hosted dad's friends and talked good food, good wine and mental health. Kind of what this blog is about really. Sad to hear yet another tale of a young woman stuck inside her own head and getting little help. Why do we damn such women who those will power deem personality disordered? I have never met her but I've offered to. Will see if they take me up on it.

The cricket at Lord's ended in ignominious defeat which has left England reeling. I have recorded the hightlights but not really sure that I want to watch them. It could be a long summer. With that I will leave you. Enjoy the rest of the sunshine.

I Heard a Voice.

Travels to Old Haunts and New.

The heat of the day has diminished only a little. The light is bright and clear even though the day is marching on. It seemed but yesterday that the dull grey, leaden skies of winter were upon us. I have been away from normality for so long. I have forgotten so many things but I'm a lot better.

You may have noticed my absence from here all week but I didn't really get a chance to write. The week was an anxious one as I moved slowly towards my appointment with the Occupational Health physician. The news is good though, he is allowing my back to work. The details are not set up yet as I haven't heard back from Lena. I hope she's enjoying the Bank Holiday and not thinking of things work wise. Perhaps she wants something in writing, a formal report will be forthcoming but I don't know when. I certainly don't want to ask for yet another sick note. So the wait goes on a little longer. And while I wait I have travelled.

So I'm in sunny Kent and this time it really is sunny. Yesterday I spent with my friend Laura and finally got to see her new house that they bought a couple of years ago. So pastures old and pastures new. The planned party didn't really materialise but we had a lovely evening and went to a Beer Festival at The Hooden on the Hill. A new place for me, great fun and great beer.

Now I'm down with dad although he is currently out for a walk. We will eat out tonight but tomorrow we have invited his friends round. They run a chocolate shop which seems to be his favourite venue in Hythe. They invite him to dinner on a Sunday sometimes so I thought it would be nice to return the favour. So roast beef is the plan tomorrow. Sadly our guests do not eat beef quite as rare as we do so will have to adjust.

The plan such as it is is to travel home on Tuesday. If needs be I will take that day as annual leave. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel anxious about going back. Who wouldn't be after all this time? But then who would believe a series of unforeseen events could brings my life crashing down so suddenly? Living with mental illness can be so cruel at times. Yes I've rarely been bored, I have remarkable stories to tell and I've met such interesting people but in the dark of despair there seems to be nothing worth feeling that for.

Must go now as I need to phone Beka. Enjoy the holiday weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunshine Walks, a Glorious Wedding and Mustard Dressing.

On Thursday afternoon I took a long and rather elongated drive through the woods down narrow country lanes to visit the wonderful Brocket Arms in Ayot St Lawrance. There is a shorter route through the woods near The Waggoners but it is more than ten years since I was driven down that route and was warned not to try that drive on my own. Sat in the garden in beautiful sunshine I reminisced about the past few months and indeed years.

Back in 2007 I never envisaged I would still be in the same place now. Well different flat after three moves. I'd never been in a job for more than two and a half years prior to that. Now it feels like I have ground to a halt. Sitting in the warmth I was questioning so much but hanging onto the fact that in recent weeks I have been real progress from where I was back in the depths of winter. I must take heart from that.

The pub sells a variety of preserves, chutneys, sauces, conserves and drinks from the local manor house. Up until now I'd never bought any primarily because I didn't need them. But recalling that I'm running low on coarse grain mustard I bought a replacement with a touch of honey and a jar of horseradish.

Keeping things simple today I tried the mustard in a dressing to go with an egg salad. Magnificent is the best way to describe it. That subtle hint of sweet, in the mustard dressing, the crunchy pepperiness of radishes, organic tomatoes and shredded lettuce leaves. Oh how dressings make a difference to an otherwise potentially bland lunch.

Salad for lunch always reminds me of mum. In the last twenty odd years of her life she obsessed about five portions of fruit and vegetables a day. This meant she not longer cooked those wonderful English puddings that she did so well and lunch was an eternal melange of lettuce, tomato and cucumber with an occasional addition. Actually she made a pretty good dressing that she was given by the chef at The Varsity restaurant on St Andrews Street Cambridge in the late 1970s.

In truth mum was already on my mind. Once again the dreams came back and shook me into an uneasy start. As so often happens she was alone in my dream. And as so often it left me uneasy.

But why on such a glorious weekend? The country celebrated the wedding of a young woman to a prince. A riotous and long sermon based on the value of love reverberated around the world and a very modern marriage was closed. So refreshing and such a lovely day for them and all who went to watch.

I didn't actually see it until later as I was out to lunch with my friend Karen. Another link to work I always enjoy her company and smile. It is a reminder that I do need to get back.

So on this Sunday afternoon with my walk done and Handel playing let us hope for a fruitful week in the run up to Occupational Health on Thursday and the wanted outcome soon after.

I Heard a Voice.

Cooling Breeze Cuts the Heat

A cooling breeze went some way to combating the heat on my afternoon walk. Given that we are only in mid May it is pretty warm and humid out. Despite the breeze it was hard not to sweat going up the hill. Worth it though I think on a day when I woke late after a poor night's sleep. Not only did I struggle to get to sleep but the unwanted recurrence of bad dreams made things harder.

Those nights do not help my anxious starts to the day. In truth it was a day after a disappointment. Not quite knowing what to expect from my Occupational Health appointment yesterday having to wait to until the 24th May to see yet another doctor was not what I'd hoped for. I'm a bit better with that outcome today than I was yesterday. Certainly that contributed to my difficult night.

Faced with uncertainty this morning I mused on many things to do. But I had not motivation to do them. So the cleaning remains undone, I have not done any of the admin that needs doing and I couldn't be bothered to catch a train to Hitchin to see Jess as she offered to meet. Hopefully do that another day.

Resigned to longer off I must content myself that it is not the end of the world. The doomsday scenario of going over the six month sick pay limit is still a long way off despite my anxious mind. It will not come to that. Should make the most of it really.

I must return to my kitchen tonight after not being able to bring myself to cook yesterday. I have some chicken, maybe stir fry it with some ginger and spring onion and vegetables. I'm hoping to catch up with Sarah at some stage this week.

For now on this warm day I will sit in the cool of my flat, listen to Monteverdi and do a little reading. A bit of culture should never be lost whatever is happening in my life.

I Heard a Voice.

A Touch of Beethoven.

On a surprisingly warm Sunday afternoon I have turned to Beethoven to get me through the hours until I cook. I'm feeling a little washed out after my exertions on Friday. It is a timely reminder that after several months of relative inactivity I will need to pace myself when I start my phased return at work.

I had vaguely thought to invite friends round for roast beef today. But I feel like being on my own today. I need to collect my thoughts for tomorrow's reckoning. Coming to terms with just how long I have been way is hard at times. I've travelled. I've read. I've listened to music. I have seen people. I have shied away from people. I've been terrified. And I've moved house.

Given all that why do I have no sense of achieving anything? The adage that on the bad days it is hard even to get out of bed holds sway but more for others. I'm always forgiving and try to be supportive with the travails of others. But not myself. Ros I need you for that reassuring be kind to yourself phrase that always sounds so much better coming from you than it does from me. I'm never very forgiving of myself. As Harvey very wonderfully pointed out a few weeks ago we need to forgive ourselves for what we do wrong. And I've done plenty wrong both in the near and distant past.

So as I stand on the cusp of going back to my interrupted career where do I see myself? That I suppose is a question for therapists wiser than me. I need to make my own destiny sometimes. And sometimes it is made for me. Seize what is and let go of what isn't.

Out there on cyber-world where you so graciously follow and read my musings I hope you have enjoyed the weekend. If you're in the UK remember there is another Bank Holiday coming soon. Soon too summer will be here. And who knows what that will bring?

I Heard a Voice.

A Rainy Festival.

A Food Festival came to town today. And so did the rain. What a shame after the recent good fortune we have had that rain and cold could mar such an occasion. I didn't let it spoil things too much, spent time with friends, had a wonderful smoked German sausage and a pint of local ale. And I got to see my friend Lorna's little girl for the first time.

As we are at the weekend I am reflecting on an odd week. Highs and lows, confusion, joy, enlightenment and disappointment. It was ever thus I suppose. After a poor night's sleep it would be easy to feel all is lost and retreat from the world.

That I will not do though. To warm us all up on this dreary day I'm cooking a chorizo and chickpea stew for my friends. They are still down in town drinking so I suspect they may be red faced and boozy when they get here but I don't mind.

My trip to Cambridge yesterday proved to be a lot of fun. I had to force myself to go through with it though as that waking fear still beguiles and torments me and draws me close to cancelling everything I set out to do. Frank Gardner was an excellent speaker. I sat with my friend Hugh whom I've not seen all year. And I enjoyed Greek food for lunch and Thai food for dinner.

I suspect I will feel a little edgy much of the day tomorrow as that creeping fear of what if will haunt my planned return to campus. For yes on Monday I will go in for the first time since January to see Occupational Health. They did not specify who I will see but I know them all there. My mind is already churning on what will happen once we meet. Will it be back Tuesday? Later in the week? Or indeed the following week? That nagging doubt in the back of my mind whispers that they won't let me back at all. If that happens things could unravel pretty quickly. Why does the anxious mind do that to me?

Before then though is Saturday night with friends followed by Sunday with roast beef. I must focus on the present, here and now. Not worry to what is to come.

I Heard a Voice.