The roads were unusually empty. I had chosen well the timing of my return from Kent on an unusual Bank Holiday. We're not overly blessed with public holidays in this country as is frequently pointed out. But in 2011 we were granted an extra one. On this day that year Prince William and Kate Middleton got married.
Seen as a breath of fresh air by many in the confines of establishment it was a day that was celebrated by many. I chose it as a day to go home to avoid the traffic. Who knew that a year later my mum would have died and we were desperately trying to make sense of a world completely changed?
There is another royal wedding coming up shortly. I'm not sure I will watch but I wish them well as they strive to move our country forward. I hope it is brighter for them than it is today.
Rumours abound of a storm later. It is certainly cold out. I took advantage of the rain holding off to take a short work. It was my abridged Sunday afternoon wander, up the hill, down, then cutting across half way to emerge near the pub. I didn't venture in. If a storm does arrive it will be once again a reminder that life is unpredictable on this little island.
With the new week coming up tomorrow I remain off. Hopefully not for long. That I'm anxious both for and about my return. Who wouldn't be after all this time? Many occasions in recent months have made me question what I am doing and where do I fit? I feel firmly in middle age and uncertain what next. I had an interesting conversation with Jayne about middle age. She contends that middle age in women comes with menopause. And therefore for some women earlier than I had always felt. In the grand scheme of things we both probably have many years to go in this adventure that it life.
Why life bequeathed me significant issues with mood is a mystery. My mum had her battles too and on more than one occasion it has been suggested that it is inherited. I dreamed of her once again this morning and as so often I woke uncertain and worried.
Some days when the anxiety is at its worst I feel I have become my mum. I certainly have a devastating feel for what her life was like in her last years. That of course had a knock on to others and dad bore that as he cared so loyally for her as she became more ill. I still firmly hold my belief that when she did die it was a relief that what might have been did not occur. The thoughts of mum in a home would have been hideous.
She remains on my mind at times so many years later. Can we shut the door on the past as was suggested to me recently? Maybe that will come in time. The course I'm taking now which pains me so much is in the main to try to do that. I did not want to go back to therapy but in the circumstances what else was I to do? It is early days so I will keep going and hope that I can make sense of my life after a while.
Elgar's Cello concerto just came on the radio. Stunning, spine tingling and emotional all describe this wonderful piece. And with that I leave you.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday, 29 April 2018
Saturday, 28 April 2018
The Struggles of Others.
It's so gloomy today I have the lights on in my flat at 2.15 pm. After the upbeat mini heat wave recently we have now returned to type. They tell me it will rain for the next six days.
Indoors away from it all I'm listening to Britten and reflecting on an odd week. Not sure why but many of my friends are struggling with illness at the moment. If not ill themselves then their children. It is a reminder that life can be fickle and cruel. Having spent so many months struggling myself I'm saddened that the ill luck has struck so many of my friends as well.
I'm not really sure what to do today. Having been doing okay I woke this morning completely lacking in motivation and tired. Probably shouldn't have stayed up so late the last couple of nights watching the NFL draft unfold. My Rams have had little to do during the first two days having traded all but a 3rd round pick during that timescale. More watching tonight I guess.
With the NFL draft already upon us I'm wondering what has happened to this year. Not quite what I expected especially after being more optimistic around my mental health during the autumn. My illness refuses to die even all these years later.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since my appointment on Monday. I didn't feel very good about myself and continue to doubt that I have made any progress at all. Is it a return of what I felt years ago? Will I get anything from it? Can I connect enough to have confidence? That will play out in the fullness of time and I'm not ready to give up just yet.
My next appointment comes on Wednesday. By misfortune or ill luck the Occupational Health appointment I've just been offered clashes with it. I did call yesterday to ask to reschedule but thus far no news back.
Miriam is down visiting dad these weekend. Hoping the rain holds off for them but it is looking unlikely. I suppose now I ought to do something useful, maybe that will lift the spirits on this dull day.
I Heard a Voice.
Indoors away from it all I'm listening to Britten and reflecting on an odd week. Not sure why but many of my friends are struggling with illness at the moment. If not ill themselves then their children. It is a reminder that life can be fickle and cruel. Having spent so many months struggling myself I'm saddened that the ill luck has struck so many of my friends as well.
I'm not really sure what to do today. Having been doing okay I woke this morning completely lacking in motivation and tired. Probably shouldn't have stayed up so late the last couple of nights watching the NFL draft unfold. My Rams have had little to do during the first two days having traded all but a 3rd round pick during that timescale. More watching tonight I guess.
With the NFL draft already upon us I'm wondering what has happened to this year. Not quite what I expected especially after being more optimistic around my mental health during the autumn. My illness refuses to die even all these years later.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since my appointment on Monday. I didn't feel very good about myself and continue to doubt that I have made any progress at all. Is it a return of what I felt years ago? Will I get anything from it? Can I connect enough to have confidence? That will play out in the fullness of time and I'm not ready to give up just yet.
My next appointment comes on Wednesday. By misfortune or ill luck the Occupational Health appointment I've just been offered clashes with it. I did call yesterday to ask to reschedule but thus far no news back.
Miriam is down visiting dad these weekend. Hoping the rain holds off for them but it is looking unlikely. I suppose now I ought to do something useful, maybe that will lift the spirits on this dull day.
I Heard a Voice.
Tuesday, 24 April 2018
At One With Nature, a Woodland Walk.
When I first moved here I lived on the edge of an oak wood. On warm summer days I would sometimes venture up there gingerly for my fear of getting lost. I saw deer, badgers, squirrels, lots of dog walkers and heard the cry of many birds. In a weird sort of a way it was a substitute for the call of the sea which I left behind in Kent.
The recession of 2008 forced me to move and with little money and next to no help but my dad I foolishly accepted the flat here which was so cursed over the years. So many problems and that perpetual anxiety of would I be forced to me on.
Of course I was forced to move on and two months ago today I moved to this flat. In the whole time I have lived in the area I have never been for a walk in the wood. No sense of direction terrified me. Jayne kept saying in the summer I must learn my way around the woods and get to The Waggoners.
Until today that is. It is dull and somewhat chillier outside than of late. I did the small amount of shopping I needed and desired a walk. So I set off with Gary into the woods for a gentle perambulation. And what a joy it was. Bluebells, birds, squirrels and all around the power of nature in spring time.
For that brief foray I forgot my troubles, felt the call of nature and was at last able to find a place that calms my mind as the sea does back home. I think I will need some more guidance from people before I set forth alone but it was good.
On returning home I have Radio 3 on, I have made a Thai green curry paste and am contemplating how things are. A day on from my psychology meeting I'm still digesting the enormity of that decision and where it might lead. My friend Ellie text last night as a veteran of therapy and gave the helpful advice that I'm not there to perform and she is not there to judge my performance.
That awful lingering life of having to perform still exists at times however hard I try to put it in perspective. Maybe that is what I will learn as the future unravels. It is hard enough acknowledging that I can't right myself on my own. Harder still is the fear of what I might become. Old habits die hard but I must strive for something different. Otherwise my mental fallibility and weakness will continue to consume me and keep me stuck in the darkness of the last few months.
I Heard a Voice.
The recession of 2008 forced me to move and with little money and next to no help but my dad I foolishly accepted the flat here which was so cursed over the years. So many problems and that perpetual anxiety of would I be forced to me on.
Of course I was forced to move on and two months ago today I moved to this flat. In the whole time I have lived in the area I have never been for a walk in the wood. No sense of direction terrified me. Jayne kept saying in the summer I must learn my way around the woods and get to The Waggoners.
Until today that is. It is dull and somewhat chillier outside than of late. I did the small amount of shopping I needed and desired a walk. So I set off with Gary into the woods for a gentle perambulation. And what a joy it was. Bluebells, birds, squirrels and all around the power of nature in spring time.
For that brief foray I forgot my troubles, felt the call of nature and was at last able to find a place that calms my mind as the sea does back home. I think I will need some more guidance from people before I set forth alone but it was good.
On returning home I have Radio 3 on, I have made a Thai green curry paste and am contemplating how things are. A day on from my psychology meeting I'm still digesting the enormity of that decision and where it might lead. My friend Ellie text last night as a veteran of therapy and gave the helpful advice that I'm not there to perform and she is not there to judge my performance.
That awful lingering life of having to perform still exists at times however hard I try to put it in perspective. Maybe that is what I will learn as the future unravels. It is hard enough acknowledging that I can't right myself on my own. Harder still is the fear of what I might become. Old habits die hard but I must strive for something different. Otherwise my mental fallibility and weakness will continue to consume me and keep me stuck in the darkness of the last few months.
I Heard a Voice.
Monday, 23 April 2018
Slaying the Dragon.
A royal prince born on St George's Day! How marvellous is that? I don't often make comment on politics or by extension institutions. I know many people are not fans of the royal family but I think they do a lot of good. And a baby born on the this day for the English is for many magnificent.
Our country though is not just about the English. We are the United Kingdom devolved into the England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. We are British and of course we have a multi cultural society that goes way beyond such national classifications and have people from many countries and backgrounds from all over the world that call our little island home. In the light of the appalling so called Windrush scandal I hope that we can celebrate all the British and not just the English. All are welcome in my country despite what the far right who desecrate our flag may say.
You find me returned from Cambridge. My night at the opera was magnificent, hearing The Marriage of Figaro in English was wonderful. So good too to spend time with Jayne and to see her family Bill and James. Why do I so rarely go up there?
Back in my world I finally went back to see someone for my mental health. I was last in therapy 19 years ago and that was not a good experience. Yet I find myself all these years later acknowledging that what I face now cannot be be shifted by Risperidone alone. I need something more.
It was not an easy 50 minutes, 50 minutes, always 50 minutes. I came away feeling quite ashamed of many things I have done over the years and worried she will think I'm an angry narcissist. Of course the truth is someone elsewhere. I hoped I was beyond that polarity of self esteem but a couple of hours later I feel tired and worried. But it is a process that I need to go through.
Home in my little flat the tradition of roast beef on this day is underway. A fine piece of well aged topside will roast for a mere 40 minutes then rest for 30. Potatoes roasted through that period, purple sprouting broccoli, heritage carrots and green beans will be served with it along with horseradish. I have some English strawberries to finish with some thick Jersey cream. As we are not exactly known for red wine I have turned to Italy, a nice bottle of Chianti. Sadly none of my friends can join me but Alyssa will drop round after work for a rare beef sandwich and some strawberries.
More soon.
I Heard a Voice.
Our country though is not just about the English. We are the United Kingdom devolved into the England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. We are British and of course we have a multi cultural society that goes way beyond such national classifications and have people from many countries and backgrounds from all over the world that call our little island home. In the light of the appalling so called Windrush scandal I hope that we can celebrate all the British and not just the English. All are welcome in my country despite what the far right who desecrate our flag may say.
You find me returned from Cambridge. My night at the opera was magnificent, hearing The Marriage of Figaro in English was wonderful. So good too to spend time with Jayne and to see her family Bill and James. Why do I so rarely go up there?
Back in my world I finally went back to see someone for my mental health. I was last in therapy 19 years ago and that was not a good experience. Yet I find myself all these years later acknowledging that what I face now cannot be be shifted by Risperidone alone. I need something more.
It was not an easy 50 minutes, 50 minutes, always 50 minutes. I came away feeling quite ashamed of many things I have done over the years and worried she will think I'm an angry narcissist. Of course the truth is someone elsewhere. I hoped I was beyond that polarity of self esteem but a couple of hours later I feel tired and worried. But it is a process that I need to go through.
Home in my little flat the tradition of roast beef on this day is underway. A fine piece of well aged topside will roast for a mere 40 minutes then rest for 30. Potatoes roasted through that period, purple sprouting broccoli, heritage carrots and green beans will be served with it along with horseradish. I have some English strawberries to finish with some thick Jersey cream. As we are not exactly known for red wine I have turned to Italy, a nice bottle of Chianti. Sadly none of my friends can join me but Alyssa will drop round after work for a rare beef sandwich and some strawberries.
More soon.
I Heard a Voice.
Thursday, 19 April 2018
The Inspiration of the Young.
During my years in Hertfordshire one of my greatest supporters has always been my friend Kym. She mentored me in the long, lonely and terrifying first year at the university. She invited me to her wedding that first summer when invitations from colleagues were non existent. She allowed me to talk and supported me in a way that others didn't. Perhaps I haven't quite forgiven her for leaving when she was about to be in a position to help on a grander scale but I know she made the right decision and I would have told her off for staying when her destiny lay elsewhere.
I have not seen Kym during my recent lonely sojourn in the land of despair and depression. On this blisteringly hot day we finally managed to catch up. It was but a brief meeting in the grand scheme of thing but so helpful.
Kym has two brave and brilliant children who inherited a genetic illness from their late father that makes them prone to tumours. The bravery with which they fight it puts me and many others to shame. Hope is a singer and Joel a blogger. This afternoon Kym showed me their joint video blog talking about their conditions and how to answer people who do not understand. I took heart from that. I don't know I'm quite so good at dealing with that myself particularly when for no reason at all I have a bleak day.
And when I woke it was a bleak day. I was low, listless and anxious. I do not know why on this glorious day. Now as that day progresses I feel my mood flagging again after the inspiration of those young people. I just want to eat crap. That's exactly what I did when I got back this afternoon.
I should cook but my motivation is so low I will yet again spend money I need to save on passing a few hours on a low day. All this after a better few days. Why can't I shake these days of despair? I should be looking forward to seeing Jayne tomorrow and the opera on Saturday. But instead I feel fraudulent and a failure.
My determination to power my way through the darkness is lacking today. I must regain that if I'm going to get back to normality. I must gain the resilience shown by those extraordinary young people although of course it is a mistake to assume everyone is managing better than I am. The messages of my friends in dark times have shown me that is not the case. We are all fearful and doubtful. I just need to get back to working with that rather than being crushed by it.
You won't hear from me now until I'm back from Cambridge. Have a good weekend and may the sun continue to shine.
I Heard a Voice.
I have not seen Kym during my recent lonely sojourn in the land of despair and depression. On this blisteringly hot day we finally managed to catch up. It was but a brief meeting in the grand scheme of thing but so helpful.
Kym has two brave and brilliant children who inherited a genetic illness from their late father that makes them prone to tumours. The bravery with which they fight it puts me and many others to shame. Hope is a singer and Joel a blogger. This afternoon Kym showed me their joint video blog talking about their conditions and how to answer people who do not understand. I took heart from that. I don't know I'm quite so good at dealing with that myself particularly when for no reason at all I have a bleak day.
And when I woke it was a bleak day. I was low, listless and anxious. I do not know why on this glorious day. Now as that day progresses I feel my mood flagging again after the inspiration of those young people. I just want to eat crap. That's exactly what I did when I got back this afternoon.
I should cook but my motivation is so low I will yet again spend money I need to save on passing a few hours on a low day. All this after a better few days. Why can't I shake these days of despair? I should be looking forward to seeing Jayne tomorrow and the opera on Saturday. But instead I feel fraudulent and a failure.
My determination to power my way through the darkness is lacking today. I must regain that if I'm going to get back to normality. I must gain the resilience shown by those extraordinary young people although of course it is a mistake to assume everyone is managing better than I am. The messages of my friends in dark times have shown me that is not the case. We are all fearful and doubtful. I just need to get back to working with that rather than being crushed by it.
You won't hear from me now until I'm back from Cambridge. Have a good weekend and may the sun continue to shine.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday, 18 April 2018
Something Contrasting.
That day it was wet, windy and cold. Today is bright, sunny and warm. Same date six years apart. This little island of ours is so unpredictable. As I looked out over Folkestone Harbour on this day in 2012 my mind was churning. The crowds had come out despite the cold and we could have filled the church even more had people not had busy lives and other commitments. But we were delighted anyway. It was the day of mum's funeral.
Looking back now I'm in a pretty good place. The mood is holding thank goodness. The coming of early summer however temporary it may be has lifted the spirits of many of us. And I'm not feeling guilty.
Mentally I am moving forward. Still waiting on Occupational Health, I have to look at the referral form after this to approve. A drive in the countryside was very good, stopping at The Horns for an hour then a glass of Pimm's in The Hedgehog. A few weeks ago I would have been wracked with guilt for doing so when others are standing in for me. But one of the things I need to do to get better is be kind to myself and what is wrong with going out for a while on a sunny day?
I will call dad later and Miriam. This day can be quite hard so hoping they are both okay. The trip to the opera is looming large on my forward horizon, something to look forward to.
After a few weeks of eating crap I have been headed in a slightly healthier direction the last couple of days. Pan fried lemon sole yesterday, a salad for lunch today and have a pair of fresh sardines to do tonight. Perfect summer menu.
Jayne had promised that we can try the new bistro in Histon when I go up there on Friday. It will be nice to head to Cambridge, not been since the autumn with Sarah. I never tire of Cambridge and my desire to go back still burns at times although I suspect if someone said here is a house to live in and I moved it would be pretty lonely for a while. We cannot always live on memories of past glories in towns we once knew. Day to day everywhere has its challenges particularly on wet afternoons in November with the wind howling and little to brighten the day.
A great challenge of life wherever we are is getting through those dull dog days when nothing is happening and the party seems long ago. Is that why we look forward to the weekend so much?
Rumour has it the sun and warmth will tarry for a few days. Hope you can get out to enjoy it.
I Heard a Voice.
Looking back now I'm in a pretty good place. The mood is holding thank goodness. The coming of early summer however temporary it may be has lifted the spirits of many of us. And I'm not feeling guilty.
Mentally I am moving forward. Still waiting on Occupational Health, I have to look at the referral form after this to approve. A drive in the countryside was very good, stopping at The Horns for an hour then a glass of Pimm's in The Hedgehog. A few weeks ago I would have been wracked with guilt for doing so when others are standing in for me. But one of the things I need to do to get better is be kind to myself and what is wrong with going out for a while on a sunny day?
I will call dad later and Miriam. This day can be quite hard so hoping they are both okay. The trip to the opera is looming large on my forward horizon, something to look forward to.
After a few weeks of eating crap I have been headed in a slightly healthier direction the last couple of days. Pan fried lemon sole yesterday, a salad for lunch today and have a pair of fresh sardines to do tonight. Perfect summer menu.
Jayne had promised that we can try the new bistro in Histon when I go up there on Friday. It will be nice to head to Cambridge, not been since the autumn with Sarah. I never tire of Cambridge and my desire to go back still burns at times although I suspect if someone said here is a house to live in and I moved it would be pretty lonely for a while. We cannot always live on memories of past glories in towns we once knew. Day to day everywhere has its challenges particularly on wet afternoons in November with the wind howling and little to brighten the day.
A great challenge of life wherever we are is getting through those dull dog days when nothing is happening and the party seems long ago. Is that why we look forward to the weekend so much?
Rumour has it the sun and warmth will tarry for a few days. Hope you can get out to enjoy it.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday, 15 April 2018
Silent Gulls, Too Many Dogs but a Peaceful Stay.
A gentle drizzle has descended after a hazy day at the seaside. I don't think I will see a fiery sunset tonight. I have escaped once again to Kent to see dad, recuperate and catch up with old friends. As ever time has gone too fast and my four day long weekend is heading towards a journey home tomorrow.
Along the beach the last couple of days there have been lots of dogs...I'm not a fan...lots of people, a beach in chaos due to sea defence work and curiously quiet gulls. For the second day in a row I walked along the beach and was struck by how different it was today. Spring is here despite the drizzle. The sun has shone in the main and people are out and about.
When I was last here it was bitterly cold and snow bound. I am guilty of taking this quiet seaside haven for granted when I lived here. So long ago. More than a decade since I packed up my life and moved north. In those days I had big dreams. I had big confidence. And the world seemed to be running for me.
So what of today? I'm still doing the same job with little chance of moving on. I have not been at that job since before Christmas with holidays and illness. I met with Lena on Thursday and I hope we are a step closer to a return. A referral to Occupational Health will be made. They tend to know little about mental health so that will not be a problem. Then and only then will my life go back to some sort of normality.
The question then is what is going to be different? From what I can glean so far the ludicrous volume of my caseload will change little. I do not believe it is safe to carry a caseload as large as I've had to do in recent years. That is a stated fact and maybe I will be chastised for saying so. But if there is one thing I'm known for it is telling the truth. Even if that truth is not what people want to hear.
I have been offered a psychology appointment a week tomorrow. That will be intriguing. I'm not sure I would want to treat me but I'm certainly of more an open mind and less anguished and angry mindset than when I last saw such people.
That is all to come. For tonight though I relish being away, the sea and the many friends I have caught up with over this extended weekend. See you in the week.
I Heard a Voice.
Along the beach the last couple of days there have been lots of dogs...I'm not a fan...lots of people, a beach in chaos due to sea defence work and curiously quiet gulls. For the second day in a row I walked along the beach and was struck by how different it was today. Spring is here despite the drizzle. The sun has shone in the main and people are out and about.
When I was last here it was bitterly cold and snow bound. I am guilty of taking this quiet seaside haven for granted when I lived here. So long ago. More than a decade since I packed up my life and moved north. In those days I had big dreams. I had big confidence. And the world seemed to be running for me.
So what of today? I'm still doing the same job with little chance of moving on. I have not been at that job since before Christmas with holidays and illness. I met with Lena on Thursday and I hope we are a step closer to a return. A referral to Occupational Health will be made. They tend to know little about mental health so that will not be a problem. Then and only then will my life go back to some sort of normality.
The question then is what is going to be different? From what I can glean so far the ludicrous volume of my caseload will change little. I do not believe it is safe to carry a caseload as large as I've had to do in recent years. That is a stated fact and maybe I will be chastised for saying so. But if there is one thing I'm known for it is telling the truth. Even if that truth is not what people want to hear.
I have been offered a psychology appointment a week tomorrow. That will be intriguing. I'm not sure I would want to treat me but I'm certainly of more an open mind and less anguished and angry mindset than when I last saw such people.
That is all to come. For tonight though I relish being away, the sea and the many friends I have caught up with over this extended weekend. See you in the week.
I Heard a Voice.
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