Just Tuesday.

The rain is coming down once again. Tuesday, only Tuesday. Indoors after a day of bits and pieces there is little to entice me out. Instead I'm listening to the music of Telemann on the radio and cooking bangers and mash. Not any old bangers but wild boar. Great thick sausages that need the oven to cook them through.

Despite the rain I am much better than yesterday. The anxiety has disappeared as quickly as it came. I am dreading tomorrow's appraisal, the longest and most pointless 2 hours of my working life. I suppose I should be thankful I've not had to go through that for some years. Always hard answering vague ideas of "where do you think you will be in 2-3 years time?" How am I supposed to know that? Had I answered 4 years ago it would have been not here. Yet here I am and remain.

Something interesting came up today though. A friend of mine called Matt who is very accomplished semi pro photography asked he could shoot me for a piece he is doing on people from Hythe. Slightly baffled why he would be interested in me but for some reason he is. Will do that when things settle after dad has moved.

My mood diary was completed today. Not as upbeat as I had hoped. Yesterday rated a -3. But my many friends rally round in dark times even if I always try to shut them out.

On this short week I wish you all well. I never did get my Easter egg. Maybe buy one next year.

Remembering a Fateful Day.

Up until 4 years ago 28th March held little significance for me. I have 2 friends with birthdays but the world of Facebook has many birthdays brought each day so no more significant than any other date. Then in 2012 all changed in my life. For on that day my mum died after getting into difficulty in the sea the previous day.

It seems like yesterday. She would have been 84 had she lived. On this day I woke very anxious and edgy. The dreams were bad which is always a poor way to start. It is a feeling she knew well as her last years were overwhelmed by anxiety. In a way I wish I had booked this week off. But I didn't have enough leave days left. Had it been a work day I would have thought hard about moving. Today it was hard to even get out of bed.

I don't feel like doing much and have a sense of not fitting. Restless is a good word for it with a complete lack of motivation. Let us hope it only lasts a short time.

A fierce storm hit southern England today. I'm hoping Miriam made it down to dad's as planned. They will mourn together and I will alone. No pilgrimage to the memorial for me although I did manage to go back in January.

I will leave you all now and quietly shut off from the world for today. May the day pass without incident.

I Heard a Voice.

Choppy Waters.

A sinking has not occurred in the Boat Race since 1978. That was the year I went to Cambridge to sing. In the 9 years I have lived in Cambridge we have lost the men's race every year. On a blustery, wet and choppy day on the Thames Cambridge women nearly went under. It is a long time since I saw such difficult conditions on the water. Men's race yet to come.

I paid the price for the clocks going forward last night waking extremely late. Not much going on today other than a leg of lamb that is about to go in the oven. Reading will be the order of the day whilst it cooks. Gary and Ali cancelled so there will be a lot of meat going. Perhaps a shepherd's pie will be on the cards later in the week.

The long weekend has gone so quickly. Wednesday is the dreaded appraisal day. Managed to avoid them the last few years but it has crept up on me. I'm expecting an edgy day.

Term won't start for another couple of weeks but contrary to what many people assume I do not get long holidays like teachers. It is just like any other job really. That said they are pretty generous on holidays.

It's just possible I will learn something important later this week. I'm waiting for a message. I expect the worst but pray for the best.

Today is the most important Christian Festival. Dad had a good morning at church as did Miriam in different parts of the country. They will come together tomorrow.

Happy Easter to you all and enjoy the rest of the holiday.

I Heard a Voice.

Another Milestone.

As I write there have been exactly 34,000 hits on my blog since I started. When it all began I assumed no one was interested. Yet here we are. I suppose some people somewhere feel I have something interesting to write.

So to another Saturday. Very tired again when I woke. The sun has disappeared and severe weather warnings are out for later. Once I got my head in gear I took a little drive out to The Waggoners to see Amber and Laurent. Then to the butcher for supplies; even got some wild boar sausages that I will have on Monday.

With little on my mind turns to tedious domesticity. This is just a break in the cleaning. Hoover next. I lead such an interesting life. Sometimes I feel a little lost on long weekends. Never quite know what to do with myself. Film later maybe.

Mood wise I feel a bit flat. Around a boring 0 on my scale. The past few weeks have been much better for me. On those days that sense that I'm a fraud and was faking my illness before Christmas comes back. Can anyone really recall the dark times when we are back in the light? The mind won't let us remember-thank goodness.

Must get on though, see you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Not Quite How I Envisaged It.

A beautiful sunny Good Friday. The Easter weekend is upon us and we are all looking forward to time away from work. Yet even this early in the weekend things have gone awry. My intention today was to go to London to meet Ros. Unfortunately she had something come up so we will have to meet another day. The upside of the change of plan was a nice lie in. That too proved to be a disaster as the nightmares came back. Fears of moving-yes that anxiety still plagues me even if I have no plans at present-then being damned by friends. Not a good night. I woke jaded and edgy.

I could simply have turned round, shut the world out and retreated into myself. Instead in desert boots, blazer and shades I hit the sunshine. It is lovely out there. I shopped for a decadent weekend, free range chicken tonight, crab tomorrow and a leg of lamb for an Easter Sunday indulgence. I'm hoping Gary and Ali will join me then.

Rather than waste a day I have decided to do a country pub trip with Richard. The White Hart at Welwyn has just been reopened by the same people who run The Tilbury at Datchworth. And given that they made it into the top restaurants under £20 list in the Sunday Times it must be worth a visit.

Not bought an Easter egg yet. May or may not do so, chocolate is a substance I can take or leave. But at Easter it is a tradition.

The Boat Race is on Sunday afternoon so technically the start of the Pimm's season. I have half a bottle left over from last year so bought mint, cucumber, lemon, lime and lemonade to open the season. The forecast isn't too kind for Sunday but maybe we will get lucky.

I Heard a Voice.

Twilight Full Moon.

I left my flat at about 6.30 tonight on my way to visit my friend Lin who is standing in for Yang at the Fu Hao whilst she is on a cruise. It was dusk outside as this spring emerges from the shadows of winter and twilight beckoned. Up the hill and round the corner I was confronted by a beautiful pale full moon in the fading light. I think it is full, maybe tomorrow. On this day of savagery in Belgium it brought me back to the good that is in nature and the world. I can do nothing to end this war but I can try to be mindful of the world around and ground myself in such solace.

In my small part of the world I am sometimes saddened by being right. Some years ago I wrote a post for Time to Change exposing the truth of mental health professionals' attitudes to those written off with personality disorders. They refused to publish it as was and only released it in the highly sanitised version. Once again I was proved correct yesterday. A young woman's life is now damned forever. Voices dismissed as "pseudo" and grow up attitude.

I have become old, disillusioned and cynical on my working world. I pretty much know the outcome for most of my students within a couple of visits. Sometimes even earlier. I take no credit in being right today. We don't think often enough of those who flounder at university and are cast off as "withdrawn". They remain on a system but we know little of their futures.

Often I accused of dismissing my achievements. Yet as I have said all along I'm only as good as the students I can help. On this day it seems to matter little. But it does to those we cast off as failures. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had my breakdown occurred 3 months earlier. There would have been no Cambridge degree. Would I have been cast into the outer darkness? We will never know.

I Heard a Voice.

A Weekend at the Seaside.

Britain is famous for it is love of holidays at the seaside. My earliest memory of holidays was balmy days and cream teas in Devon when I was around 3. Memorable partly because Miriam did not come with us as she was unwell. Unlike so many later in my life being by the seaside became an every day occurrence. Dad has lived in his house for 37 years. And now it has been sold. He is downsizing and so much of our lives is now parting from us. I accumulated a lot of crap in those years. I have few qualms about throwing things away. We're getting there.

This weekend we set aside moving and clearing and just had a birthday meet up. Nice dinner in The Butt of Sherry on Friday, roasted guinea fowl on Saturday and a delightful rare beef for lunch at The Clarendon today. The trains were not at their best but it was a good weekend.

I'm on the cusp of Easter. Not thinking at this stage of work but I am thinking of my rendezvous with Ros on Friday. We last met in the summer. We always have good time so I'm looking forward to seeing her very much.

And a long weekend to come. I plan little after Friday, just some good food, lamb I think for Easter Day and lots of rest. Have a good week out there.

I Heard a Voice.