A Domestic God.

For any of you who know me I am, how should I put it, domestically challenged. Yes I work my way around the kitchen with enthusiasm and a little skill. But when it comes to everything else domestic I'm a disaster. My flat is chaos, my desk is chaos and my office is chaos. But at least I know things are there somewhere.

When it comes to cleaning and tidying up I do a little bit at a time with the occasional blitz. I had no plans for a blitz today until I got a text from my friend Beka on Friday saying she will be visiting on Sunday. So I was spurred into action.

Much to my surprise I did the recycling, the rubbish, the hoovering, washed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I'm amazed! Even more amazing though is I managed to write another chapter in the book as well!

So now it is me time. I have West Ham playing on the TV-they just equalised,- a Vietnamese beef stew on the go-it smells amazing-and I'm doing some blogging. Quite why I'm doing this I'm not sure. October was my highest number of visitors to this site. November has been one of the worst-perhaps everyone is on holiday. Or maybe they are bored of my ramblings. Who knows?

Stew will be ready at 7 pm. Think I might open a beer to go with it. Then look forward to seeing Beka and eating rare roast beef at the Waggoners tomorrow. Talking of Beka she designed the cover of my book. If anyone ever wants a portrait done she is the woman to do it. Check her out on http://www.bekasmith.com/ .

Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

Miserere Mei.

Ever have days where you feel you changed the world? Where something so astonishing happens that you don't know how to respond?

Sounds very grand doesn't it but very occasionally my work allows me to have such days. And today was one of them. I was not expecting it but in my life I always expect the unexpected. I don't know if it is that I am highly skilled, my life experience or that I just got lucky. Who knows? The question is will it work?

I have never been trained to do a single thing in mental health. I have no significant pieces of paper-I do have a joke piece of paper called an NVQ. It is all based on my life. I fell into the abyss of psychosis 21 years ago. 10 years ago with help of brilliant if somewhat junior Doctor I came out. Many others helped along the way but without her I would never have been able to sustain it. What I do is entirely based on the opposite of what was done to me. In the main my experience of mental health services was shit with a capital sh! It was a disaster for 9 years. Then came salvation.

I'm not sure where I go from here and I fear the fallout of today but I came home with feeling of "God I'm good at this"! Then came my come down. There was a great sadness in what I had done however necessary it was.

Which brought me to tonight. I ate a fine curry I cooked last night. Then I switched the lights off and listened to Allegri's Miserere. One of the most powerful pieces of music I know even if the setting we have today is fraudulent. And I was tearful.

I feel better now. Here's to tomorrow and whatever that brings.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I have a new title for my new book-all coming along very well!

Beauty in and Urban Hell.

The town where my university exists is horrible. Run down and chaotic it is a melting pot of people and has areas of extreme poverty. It is not exactly big but feels very urban and ugly. Not the nicest of environments. During the summer I was not happy to discover that for the second time in a year I would be forced to move offices. This time to a site off campus. The folly of that move is plain when one realises I had my 38th visit to campus today since September. There is a plus side, hopefully the exercise will reduce the size of my beer gut.

The new office is just that, an office block. But it does have one redeeming feature, a beautiful if very small lake with a fountain. On the sunny days, and I guess we have been very lucky with those this autumn, it is nice to sit there when I go out for a cigarette. But it has been even better the last two weeks as my calm has been enhanced by a beautiful and large heron that has taken up residence there.

I know nothing about birds but can marvel at such beauty in an otherwise desolate place. I wonder how long it will stay?

As with my last post it has been another tough week. Feeling shattered so very glad it is Friday. My friend Katherine is coming to visit from London tomorrow. Slow roast Moroccan shoulder of lamb is on the menu with two middle Eastern salads. That should be fun.

Take care and have a great weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

A Triumphant Night Followed by a Scary Storm

Greetings,

I seem to have been away from here for ages. Had my highest monthly numbers of viewers ever in October but seems to have quiet again in blogland now. I guess that is the way it goes.

Anyway, what of my life? Well last week we had a most triumphant night with the Kent launch of "A Pillar of Impotence" and my friend Beka's "Stories" exhibition. What an amazing night, so many people came we couldn't fit them all in the room. I had to speak twice and was apparently very good. I can't even remember what I said-the plan went straight out of my head when I got up there. I am hugely endebted to Beka for creating the links with Folkestone Literary Festival.

Sadly all good things come to an end. The following day I discovered my sales figures were very poor. I didn't expect much but it was somewhat disappointing. Unless I misread the e mail-entirely possible-the publisher seems to have completely discounted sales on websites other than their own. Need to chase that as I know it sold out on www.amazon.co.uk 3 times.

Back now in the madness that passes for my work life. I have been very busy but all straight forward until now. Then was engulfed by an unexpected storm on Monday. Things were very touch and go yesterday but we seem to have stabilised the situation now. It's on days like that that if they trebled my salary they still wouldn't be paying me enough. But those are the days I live for-crisis management has been my forte for years.

Tired after all that so now relaxing with the TV and about to open a beer. Have prepared sticky citrus marinaded pork chop in the fridge for tomorrow-it smells divine!

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Forgotten Voice.

Doing what I do it is extremely important to learn and remember that the unexpected is only just around the corner. When I worked at Rethink my plan for the day usually went out the window by about 9.10 am. Here I never know where the next phone call will take me. It makes the job more interesting.

But if the expected comes from the dim and distant past it is even more surprising. So it was that I came home on Wednesday evening to see a letter on the floor. Turning it over I saw the return address of my publisher. I have been expecting to hear from them so I thought it was breakdown of how many books I have sold-I'm certainly not holding my breath on retirement.

When I opened it there was 5 page handwritten letter. I read it slowly. It was little confused and paranoid. Indeed the writer openly talked about having paranoid schizophrenia. She talked about how inspiring my book had been to her. She also repeatedly thanked me for writing it.

As I got to the end, there was a name. And it was name from my past. We knew each other as children. In fact we had been a primary school together before my nomadic life really began. So nice to hear from her. I recall picnics in her back garden with her brother and paddling in streams on walks. It was a good voice to hear.

But there was a sadness. Yet another person I know having a psychotic breakdown What a small world it is.

And today I cook. Am slow braising beef skirt in stout with carrots and mushrooms. Just gone in on a low heat and should be ready in 3 hours. I had planned to write this afternoon but I got delayed in town so haven't got round to it. But there always tomorrow. Let's hope the sun shines once again.

I Heard a Voice.

PS my reviews on Amazon magically re-appeared later that day, I am now up to 10 5 star reviews!

A Mysterious Disappearance.

Greetings,

Back for the first time in nearly a week. One of the reasons for my absence is that life have been like riding out a storm recently-things have not gone smoothly. There are two things I have to do to stay well, manage my stress, and get lots of sleep at the weekend. And of course risperidone. But there is a third and thankfully very rare risk that can lead to relapse. If someone really annoys me, the end result is usually a rapid plummeting of my mood and the risk of psychosis.

Fortunately, most of the time I am very calm and nothing worries me. But leading into last weekend I was seething with rage. I won't bore any of you with the details but it was bad. I was fully expecting to have to have to hit the risperidone when the inevitable slump happened. But it never came.

Since Thursday life has been much smoother although the issue may not be resolved for some time.

This weekend I am recovering. All is smooth in my world. I went into town today to discover a new book shop has opened. Our old one closed a few months ago but I was delighted someone else has ventured into the murky world of book selling. I do so love books.

Talking of books I finally got round to writing chapter 18 of the new book today. I had not written for two weeks which was beginning to irritate me. But I had great success today and am once again back on the march.

I cooked a delicious curry tonight called a Gurda Keema, a dish of lamb mince and kidneys. Not to everyone's taste but I love kidneys. I didn't quite get it right as it needed more chilli but I will remember next time.

On a sadder note, something strange happened today. Yesterday I had nine 5 star reviews of my book on Amazon all of which were amazing. Today there are none. They have completely disappeared replaced by a button saying "be the first to review this book". Am utterly mystified, irritated and wondering how to get theme back

I suppose I will have to do some research. That's all for now, time to get back to my beer.

I Heard a Voice.

I Thought it was Fixed.

I had a visit yesterday from my friend's son to try to sort out my computer problems. It all was looking good yesterday but for some reason seems to have reverted to type again today. Have no idea what is wrong with it. But this site is working so I thought I'd do a quick post.

Today is actually quite a quiet Sunday. Had some very nice roast shoulder of pork and was very restrained not to open any rioja. Might have some tonight though. Now wondering what to do next. Feeling a bit restless. I had a terrible couples of days at the end of last week but things have calmed down and the expected plummeting mood did not come on. That is a good thing.

Had hoped to write some more of the book today but not really motivated enough to do that. Feeling I'm falling behind on that but maybe I will make some progress in the week.

Tomorrow takes me back to work a day that on paper looks fairly quiet. I doubt it will stay like that though. Maybe next time I'm on here I will have to say. But for now I'm off.

I Heard a Voice.