Chianti, Ragu and Christmas.

Greetings from a grey and dull Kent. The sea was full of foreboding, the gulls few and far between and Christmas is almost upon us.

After a tumultuous year of highs and lows I drove safely down to dad's yesterday afternoon. Work continued to the very last minute and remains a challenge. 

Yet so much has gone well. I'm away from the past, I own my flat, I still have my amazing friends and my break is upon me. Still finding it hard to switch off. 

Down at dad's I'm reheating ragu, Miriam has brought fresh gluten free tagliatelle. We both forgot the parmesan but managed to get some before Waitrose shut.

As it cooks I'm drinking a seriously good Chianti. Beka will join us soon.

The feast tomorrow will be an epic affair. Thanks for reading this last year. Merry Christmas to you all.

A Snow Capped Land.

The snow that fell heavily on Sunday night continues to blanket the land. The air is freezing, the roads treacherous and the pavements icy. And on Monday my boiler failed.

Five days of no heat and hot water has been tough going. Washing with a kettle and basin is not ideal. I managed to grab a shower at my friend Zoe's one day but she is tied up this weekend. Back to the kettle. 

Mentally I'm holding up quite well. My mood has been stable and my anxiety reduced from two weeks ago.

My thoughts go out to those in war zones through the northern hemisphere where winter is so bitter. My thoughts also go out to those in this wealthy country who cannot afford to heat their homes.

Tomorrow we will buy the boiler and parts ready for installation on Wednesday. Just have to grit it out until then. 

On a more optimistic note I have four more days of work until the Christmas break. Given all I have been through personally and our team collectively professionally we all need a break. 

This time next week I will be in Kent with dad. I will walk along the beach, eat, drink and see friends. 

Let's hope the snow melts soon. I need to warm up!

I Heard a Voice  

Puccini on a Freezing Night.

Brace yourselves for the cold in the UK! It's bitter out there. Plummeting temperatures across the country, frost and ice.

I'm at home in the warm listening to Puccini's Il Trittio as is my won't on a Wednesday. 

Thoughts that my life might stabilise after buying my flat have proved a slightly false dawn. Work remains busy and hard at times. Anxiety has been on a rollercoaster ride the last couple of weeks. 

Each day brings a different challenge that makes me doubt my knowledge, my experience and my life. Yet I bounced back and face each day however battered I am.

I spoke recently of a desire to return to mania. That would be great but not for those around me.

The weekend did bring a calming influence with my lovely friend Jayne visiting on Saturday. We have seen so much, and shared so much, and separated and come back together since we met in 1994.

Over an epic 4 hour lunch we reminisced, wondered what was, what might have been a contemplated what might be to come. We both made it out of the pit of hell.

We're hoping to meet every couple of months to indulge, imbibe and support each other. I'm lucky I have such amazing friends. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Red Kite Over the Woods.

Saturday night here in Hertfordshire. A little warmer today and it's been okay. Finally banished the last vestiges of the virus I picked up 10 days ago.

I supped on seasoned fresh sardines pan fried in butter with new potatoes and green beans. I'm slowly consuming a bottle of Picpoul de Pinet and listening to Britten opera.

My week was long and tiring but the Christmas break is not far off.

Today I have been thinking of nature. My mum was in awe of the natural world. A keen gardener and bird watcher I think she would have liked here.

I live on an estate but the woods are only across the road. And they are patrolled by beautiful red kite. They soar effortlessly on the thermals. So graceful. 

I drove to The Waggoners today after food shopping and there was another kite surveying its dominion. Nature is beautiful and savage.

Tomorrow brings Sunday, roast pheasant and the NFL. Thank goodness for weekends. 

Will it Come Again?

The sun is shining on a beautiful Sunday morning here in Hertfordshire. Bitterly cold though. Winter is beginning to knock at our doors after a mild and wet autumn. 

I find myself flat and uninterested. The virus that afflicted me in the week is receding. Still have a cough but I can eat and drink much more easily. 

What is happening with my mood? It remains stubbornly around neutral or in the low region. I long for a high! Even completion on the flat did not send me into the delights elevation. Will it ever come again?

Wherever my mood is I still have to get through the day. It just feels hard.

Part of what troubles me is the silence that echoes from South London. It was so lovely to see my friend Charlotte at the party. She disappeared into the night and although I know she is safe the silence since troubles me.

She will get back to me at some point. Or is she another friend who walks away with no explanation? It happened twice earlier in the year. 

Much of the last few months has been brutal but I have made it through. Mozart plays for which I'm grateful. Roast belly pork awaits later. So Sunday rolls on.

I Heard a Voice. 

Taking a Toll.

As the days of November march on the rain, darkness and gloomy outlook does not abate. 

So much has happened since my last post. I became a home owner. We had a big party. My anxiety took over. My treatment for said anxiety began. And now I have an upper respiratory viral infection. 

After so much in recent months perhaps it is no surprise I paid a price. Teachers always say the keep going and going then collapse at half term.

So for now I must rest, take paracetamol and drink lots of water.

I have put off work next week. That may diminish the guilt I feel that I'm letting our team down. I did inform them but now seems that was the wrong thing to do. But I cannot undo what is done. Clearly I have a lot more to learn about management. Boundaries were always a challenge for me. 

Although it is uncomfortable what is worse is the horrific dreams I had overnight. Viral infection has done that to me before. I hate dreams, rarely dream of anything nice. 

The troubled world will carry on in my absence. Just listening to the financial statement which the government hopes will get us out of this mess.

I think we need a change of government. Rare that I make political comments on here.

The coming days will see me recover. And then onward a day at a time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Worn Looking Hotel.

As I sit here and write for the first time in a while I'm in a hotel room in Reading. It's comfy enough but looking a little worn out. A once great Victorian house converted to a hotel like so many across the country. Canterbury is very similar. 

I'm here for a work seminar tomorrow. Been dreading travelling but I gave myself time  I didn't panic and I made it.

A much more significant event is marked today. It was exactly a year ago I left the College Lane Campus of the University of Hertfordshire for the final time. As I drove away the song "Road to Nowhere" came on the radio. An omen? Maybe but I've actually arrived somewhere. 

The journey has not been easy, work has been hard, I've lost people emotionally as friends and to death, I had covid and I've been through the stress of having to buy my flat.

On Friday we complete. I will be a home owner for the first time in my life.

Back to this evening I'm not sure if I will see the quasi legendary drinking talents of some of my colleagues.  But I will see my Selwyn friends Matt and Kay who are picking me up for dinner later.

I Heard a Voice