A Fleeting Moment in Time.

For a fleeting moment this morning my mind went into free fall and I was frozen in that anxiety that says "I can't do this anymore". It occurred just as my alarm went off. I had slept for more than 8 hours with a brief wake up around 6.45 am. As I lay there thinking the worst, I couldn't move and fought the desire to roll over and bury myself in a mound of duvets and pillows and shut the world out. I do not know why it happened today. Some time has passed since I was last like that.

I had to fight hard to come back from that. There seemed little rhyme or reason to do anything today but we cannot just run. True I could have called in and said my anxiety is too great. But I have been determined since the summer not to succumb to such urges.

When I finally faced the world and went in it was okay. Tiring but okay. Late in the day I was forced into one of those others are panicking but I must make a judgement. I hope I came to the right decision.

Having escaped I had a rare venture into red meat since my spurious attempts at healthier living with beef stir fried with black beans. Turned out well in a way although I think I cooked the beef a shade too long making it slightly tough. Good flavour though. After that my Stein fix, the Food channel is celebrating his 70th birthday and the BBC is repeating his most recent series. I might open a beer in a bit, strictly limiting that now. Maybe I will lose weight. Maybe not. Worth a try I suppose.

Thursday will be with us soon and once again I will remember my mum on what would have been her 85th birthday. It is always a strange day. Might talk to you all again then.

I Heard a Voice

Too Wet to Settle.

The snow did come on Thursday evening. Quite a lot of it in fact. But after a day of incessant rain it didn't really settle. Made for difficult driving conditions trying to get home after work. Snow is not something I welcome if I'm having to go to work. The car park at the back is like an ice rink when it comes and trying to get from the back streets where I live onto roads that have been gritted is a pretty precarious business. Given what an anxious driver I am one can see my fears.

Rain has been the order of the day this Sunday. I've barely been out. No opera either. But it has been an afternoon of Rick Stein as they are showing the whole of the Food Heroes series, always my favourite of the many series he has made. On my cooking front chicken will feature later. They tell me I'm not allowed to eat the skin but I think a little of something nice can be okay.

When the week starts tomorrow I'm in a good place mentally. There is a slight anxiety on the horizon in the form of the annual Time to Talk day. Last year we had a big success. Thus far we have done nothing towards it. Such days are hard and so many struggle to put their heads above a metaphorical parapet and say I am x and I have a mental illness. I have been doing it for years but I am merely the voice of an unknown and unsuccessful nobody. Others have a much greater impact.

I do hope you have all had a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend. See you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

A Final Curtain.

Barely 3 weeks after the Winter Solstice and the year's shortest day I have already detected tiny signs that it is getting lighter and the day is longer. Leaving my office around 4 yesterday afternoon to do an outreach visit it was perceptibly lighter. Usually at this time I leave to utter gloom. Tonight a brilliant almost full mood shines out on a clear night. We are expecting a cold snap, rumours of snow abound.

My working world is well under way again. I'm doing okay although it involved a lot of rushing around today and a packed agenda tomorrow. I doubt I will get any lunch. It is the start of another long haul that will seem endless as Easter is so late.

Fortunately not my entire life revolves around my work at the University. Away from there things are changing too. On Sunday night I eschewed a solid night of NFL Wild Card Playoff Games to attend the final curtain call of my dear friends Tony and Josephine at The Hedgehog. By all accounts it was a late one. Emotional too. I didn't stay to the end but it was a kind goodbye to people who have done so much for my local community.

So far so good with the new people. A South African couple, Francois is a keen rugby man which is very much attune with me. They are getting to know people pretty quickly.

My "diet" and I use that in only the loosest sense of the word is so far going okay. Ate fish again, had salad for lunch and so far have pretty much halved my beer intake. Not so good maybe for Francois at the pub but will see how it goes. I'm slightly torn today as it is my close friend Beth's birthday and I really ought to have something in her honour. She was only 15 when we met and I'm struggling with idea that we have now known each other 20 years.

On the music front Wednesday's opera night have morphed into Beethoven Trios and Quintets. A nice change. Hope to be back on here again at the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Hints of the Mediterranean.

Can you believe that 7 months have now past since dad and I went to Sorrento? Certainly not as warm and pleasant now as it was then. You may recall that barring a couple of wondrous dishes I was somewhat underwhelmed by the food. Pasta and pizza are just not my thing.

Now as I pay the price for overdoing things yesterday and still feeling somewhat deflated after that health check of earlier in the week I have followed some advice and gone back to those Mediterranean climes to eat. Well she did say fish and olive oil. If your views on my culinary posts are anything like that which I get on Facebook you may always feel hungry when you read and have some admiration for the diversity of my kitchen adventures. My take on Tuesday was that that all had to stop and that was what made me feel so miserable.

Yet with my books, experience and enthusiasm as well as what some consider skill it can't be all that bad. I didn't fancy anything bony so pleased to find some line caught swordfish steaks in the Supermarket. And what a revelation, seared in a griddle pan then topped with a dressing known as salmoriglio, some bread and tomato and cucumber. Makes me feel most virtuous.

Is this the new me? Well partially and only sometimes. I shouldn't do it if I follow instructions but roast pork has to return tomorrow. I can't live without pork but perhaps I should eat a little less of it. I figure if I eat fish twice a week, chicken twice, eggs once and a little nice red meat it is good start. What do you think?

The rest of tonight will be quiet. I plumped for opera over Inspector Morse and having a chilled glass of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. It was Tony and Josephine's leaving party at The Hedgehog last night. Good night but oh so tired today. So it is back to the duvet on the sofa with Mozart and wine.

And with that I wish you all good night.

I Heard a Voice.

Finally Breaking Out.

Some say at New Year, health, wealth and happiness. All sounds splendid. Well looking back over recent years such things have been in short supply. Wealth and happiness are conjecture, relative and changeable. But health can be defined. And New Year has has not been kind to me in three of the last four years. My throat seems to attract every virus and infection under the sun at this time of year.

The night before last I was shivering so badly I slept with two duvets on the bed. Adding viral madness to a mind already prone to psychosis makes an appalling concoction for night time dreaming. It was a vile night.

The result was utter exhaustion, more shivers, an unquenchable cough and feeling pretty awful. Almost the whole day was spent under a duvet either in bed or slumped on the sofa. Knowing that there is little that can be done about a virus I nevertheless gave in and went to chemist for some form of respite.

Not sure if it is said remedy or the evil virus finally giving up the ghost I woke very late today but feeling better at last. Breaking out of fever can be such a relief.

It is true that I remain tired but on this freezing but bright day it feels so much better. I did pop out for a lunch which was mediocre but nice to be outside. Back home now Purcell's Dido and Aeneas provides this afternoon's entertainment. Now to try regain at least some of my energy. Why do I always get ill at the turn of the year?

I Heard a Voice.

Low and Flat.

Tuesday finds so many back at work. Not me. But I'm not feeling that good about it. A night of poor sleep, it was gone 4 am before I went off, the health check was thoroughly depressing. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life cutting out so many good things on the chance it will be longer? Logic says yes but in my low mood, cold ridden respiratory system and the generally freezing January gloom not much seems very optimistic.

What I really want to do is go back to bed and warm up. What I'm actually going to do it walk to town for the second time today to catch a train to Hitchin to meet Dory. It has been months since we met. I'm hoping that will lift my flat mood.

Sleep the rest of the week could also be of use but that return to chaos seems oh so close. And I don't want to think about that just yet.

I Heard a Voice.

A Damp Start.

Hail and salutations! Happy New Year to you all. So the year that killed so many is over and we set forth on 2017. Looking out the window at the pouring rain it is not a day to be going out. After a mighty night at The Hedgehog I have been feeling somewhat delicate. The cold isn't helping. Memories of the night are hazy and mixed. I do wish people would not expect me to go into work mode when I'm out.

My delicate state has led to an incredibly quiet day. A half shoulder of lamb has just gone into roast. I did invite Ali and Gary but they cancelled after excessive celebrations. There will be other Sundays though.

There is another week of leisure awaiting me before I go back. It is certainly needed. On Tuesday I have to go for an over 40s health MOT at my GP surgery. Not sure how wise that is so close to all the partying. Last time I had one it was not the best of experiences and I thought the nurse was very rude. Let's hope for better this time.

If you too overdid things last night I hope your recovery comes swiftly. Sometimes I wonder why we do these things to ourselves; often our own worst enemy. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.