Duped by Fear.

Hi again for the second time this weekend. It's late afternoon on another Sunday. Opera is nearly complete, the pheasant is coming up to room temperature for roasting later and I have a nice bottle of Syrah to go with it.

In truth though I'm restless. I didn't sleep well as my anxiety was raised after yesterday. As I noted anxiety can be the great deceiver and so it transpired today when I did some digging I had once again been duped by my mind running to endless possibilities none of which turned out to be true. The outcome of yesterday's call has cost me money, I knew it would. But it is not the catastrophe I feared. Why do I think like this?

That residual feeling remains as if robbed of the rest I crave. It is just a bit of turbulence in my battle through what is in front of me.

Time must be marching on as I'm told half term starts at the end of this week. I also learned from reading my horoscope that the full moon is today and not last night as I thought. A fine line out but beautiful anyway.

There is a governors' meeting with the Trust tomorrow. I cannot devote as much time as they deserve given how manic the day time job can be. But I do my little bit when I can.

Have a good week all who read this. I will be back soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Autumn Moon.

The rain was teeming down as I stepped of the 18.05 from London King's Cross. Within an hour or so the rain had stopped and the clouds had dissipated to reveal a glorious autumn full moon. Yes we are well under way for what my chums in the States call the Fall. I like October. And with 3 weeks down of the new year at work I'm still thriving.

My reason for being in town was threefold. To shop at Borough Market. To meet my friend Nessa. And to confront the demons of out joint past. And what an afternoon we had. The Grapes as we once knew it, glorious food in the market, late lunch at Brindisa where I went on my birthday with dad an Beka.

I came home sated, poorer and in some respects contented. After all who can resist roast pheasant for Sunday lunch, good bacon for a sandwiches and beef for stew from the Ginger Pig, wrinkly tomatoes, orange cauliflower and incredibly expensive organic baby carrots, followed by marvellous tapas? It should all have been a glorious day.

Yet there was a big but. There are some people on my phone list I dread hearing from. It always leads to trouble or expense or both. And today as I indulged as lunatics only can do I had a missed call from him. My anxiety which to be honest had been stirred earlier in the week on what I suspect was the same matter is just about in check. But I know tomorrow I need to hear the message. Anxiety is the great deceiver. But it can also foretell the truth. I hope the truth is not what I fear but no good ever comes from that source.

So tomorrow may undo all the good of recent weeks. And now, just a few beers, a catch up in The Hedgehog shortly and sleep. Let us hope the latter comes easily.

I Heard a Voice.

It is With Great Sadness Another Tragedy.

On this day every year we celebrate mental health and think of all those affected by it. World Mental Health Day is meant to highlight, educate and speak out about mental health. As my friend Alex put it on Facebook earlier "I am Alex, a man with depression".

I have been speaking out about mental illness for many years most recently of course through this blog. So to reiterate I am Mark and I have a mental illness. That illness has been called many things most of which were unhelpful but I hope that by my work and writings and speaking I can in some small way enlighten, challenge and do my little bit to bring about change.

Sadly on this day of celebration another tragedy has struck which will no doubt bring out another witch hunt. A world famous academic stabbed to death by a psychotic man. That man was a young Nigerian student haunted by voices and delusions fuelled by cannabis. Such tragedies are thankfully rare but as his grieving widow calls for an enquiry I know what it will say before it is even opened.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-37609475

Schizophrenia, drug and or alcohol use, stopped taking medication and agencies failing to talk to each other. We simply cannot lock up everyone or indeed honestly and safely assess risk. I have to assess risk all the time. Most of the time I do it well but there is always that one one gets wrong.

Tonight those in the mad community are saddened and frightened of what happens next. Mental illness can be so cruel.

Yet I cannot dwell tonight on immense sadness. I must continue to live. And with that life Verdi brightens up my mood, fine wine soothes my anguish and the steak was beautifully rare. Another day done and I must move on to the next. In my rage of the early years of my madness I never believed I would ever achieve the relatively tranquil state of this Monday night.

I Heard a Voice

Good Food, Good Wine and Good Rest.

Sunday is here again. I'm still sneezing away but feeling better than I did yesterday. I slept long and have had a gentle day. I returned to Puccini to join me as I read and am now continuing my recent strings obsession with Mozart Violin Sonatas. Funny but to me this could almost have been written by Beethoven rather than Mozart. Oh well, I'm a fan of both so can appreciate such similarities.

The short time I did venture to shop on Friday I found some nice wines on offer. Still pricey but splashed out anyway. So with my wonderful lemon sole yesterday I had a glass of Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc and today with my lamb that is slow roasting a glass of Chateauneuf Du Pape. Such buys are only really made by me at Christmas but sometimes my desire gets the better of my bank balance.

Fed, wined and rested the weekend will I hope come to a fine finale before going back into battle tomorrow. There is an awfully long way to go but I'm determined to try to avoid the meltdowns of the last 2 years and make this a year of progress not regression.

Miriam has been visiting dad this weekend. I'm hoping to follow that trail at the beginning of November. It has been too long really. By curious coincidence my cousin Cedric has indicated he will visit dad that weekend too. So hopefully we can have a lovely lunch somewhere in the country.

Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

The Folly of Youth.

The cold that has been brewing all week finally came out to strike in its full venom this morning. Coughing, spluttering and sneezing I quickly decided to abandon my plan to get the bus to St Alban's. It's not really too bad, just a feeling of being under the weather. The hard part is trying to avoid sneezing when I'm driving. I wasn't entirely successful at that but no major mishaps.

On my short venture out I managed to get Rick Stein's new book which came out on Thursday. Surprisingly Waterstones didn't have a copy. Perhaps they sold out. Afterwards I took a little venture out into the country stopping at The Plume of Feathers at Tewin. It's a favourite of Gary and Ali but it is some time since I was there.

Another week is done. More angry troubled students. I had to stay late to deal with something that came up. I was a sullen, angry, foolish and arrogant youth. But I never did anything that did not have consequences that were manageable. It can be a rude awakening for our young charges and they are now treated as adults. Yes you can do things you couldn't do when younger but you are also responsible. This is an element some of our students really struggle with and can lead to disaster.

The rest of the weekend will be hampered by the cold. Nothing much but I don't feel like doing a lot. I have some lemon sole fillets for my supper. I've been thinking about trying sole for some time. I will do it in the oven with a cream, mace, parsley and lemon sauce courtesy of Stein's Seafood Lovers' Guide. Hope it turns out well. And tomorrow I will have lamb.

Heading off to peruse my new book now. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Patience is a Virtue.

There is something very Morsesque about playing Mozart opera very loudly in the car. I even have a red car although nothing like as grand as his legendary Jaguar. The last few days I have enjoyed first The Magic Flute and now The Marriage of Figaro to accompany my journey to and from work. But today my chill out music was interrupted by an awful journey home.

I'm not the most confident of drivers. I am careful, stick to speed limits and try to follow road instructions as best I can. As I left the campus today I stopped at the keep clear sign and waited. It is there to let the buses in and out. For reasons best known to whoever he was the man behind got terribly irate that he had to wait to turn left. Horn blaring and fist shaking he made me angry. When I got clear on the appalling roundabout by the motorway junction I was cut up even more than normal. Got caught in no man's land at the next motorway junction by someone not knowing where he was going.

By the time I got home I was relieved to escape my car. In times past this interruption of glorious Mozart might have set in motion an evening of irritability. Add on dropping a whole tub of Five Spice and having a pretty disastrous dinner I could have been struggling. But I'm not.

I am sailing serenely on through the chaos. And believe me there has been a lot of chaos. I'm responding to a lot of crises and we have a swollen and turbulent stream of yet more students demanding my attention. All is good despite.

Am I back to my best? Not sure but I know I am dealing with things better. There is a long way to go before I get a chance to rest but so far so good.

Only Tuesday even though it seems later in the week. Tomorrow will come soon enough and we march on. Hope you're all thriving like I am?

I Heard a Voice.

Chasing the Rainbow.

This morning did not dawn very promising. I didn't really see the dawn but when I got up comparatively early for a Saturday I was confronted with steady rain and a noticeably cooler outlook. The night have certainly been chillier, shivered in bed in the week and have now dug out my winter duvet. I ventured out in the rain but bought little.

Stopped at The Waggoners for a nice venison stew on my way back then popped in the butcher. I fancied roast pheasant but they didn't have any. Got some nice pork shoulder instead. A prawn curry will adorn my table tonight, cooking energy is now restored.

This afternoon the sun came out and I expected a rainbow but there was none in sight. Some rather wealthy friends of mine who own a grand Georgian country house posted a beautiful photo of a rainbow over said country house on social media. I really must venture down to Devon some time to visit them. Maybe I will find a rainbow.

A year on from the disastrous opening week to last academic year, after a chaotic and potentially overwhelming start to this year I'm feeling pretty good. It is going as it should, my confidence is not shot yet and I am managing the days much better. Not too much brooding at night either. It is early days but I will break things down each morning, do what I can then come home to be me. That is a wise way forward.

I probably won't blog tomorrow as the NFL is on in the afternoon with Jacksonville and Indianapolis squaring off at Wembley. The usual evening fare of course accompanied by the pork and a glass of two of Medoc. Have a happy Sunday everyone and see you in the week.

I Heard a Voice.