Taking the Plunge.

Today I did something that may shape my future. Whether it works out in my favour we will know in a few weeks. Taking a risk is the only way to move on. So I did what I set out to do in the plan I feared had been derailed before it started. In some ways it is going back to a future that could and should have happened a long time ago. My friend Heather believes things happen for a reason. I don't know if she is right but I know what I would like to happen. Whether it does or not is in the hands of others.

There was little to report on today. I made it into the kitchen to do some very nice Cambodian pork with noodles. I'm very familiar with Thai and Vietnamese, less so Cambodian. Many of the ingredients are similar just different combinations. I was impressed with what I had.

Thursday marks dad's birthday. I will travel down on the train to see him for a belated celebration on Friday. Seems ages since I saw him but in reality only a few weeks.

The week ahead looks busy. But it keeps me occupied and stops me thinking too much of other things that cause anxiety. I feel quite calm now. May tomorrow be ever thus.

I Heard a Voice.

Mixed News.

Hello, it has been a few days. How are you all on this beautifully sunny but cold day? I'm in the warm listening to the Messiah and laying the ground for a possible adventure. At this point I'm having a little pause as I collect my thoughts.

Perhaps you are wondering on my news in my absence. In truth there is little to report other than getting a week closer to Easter. The only thing that is significant to have happened was my trip to London yesterday. I was going back to face the past in the form of a woman I vaguely knew all those years ago at Maurice Craig. And it transpires that it is that obscure name unknown to anyone outside mental health circles that led to her getting in touch. We were both patients in the unit in 1994.

I had some trepidation as I got down there but we had a lovely day. A beer in the sun, The National Portrait Gallery then dim sum. And we talked and talked. We were two who did get out and we speculated on the fate of those others. Sadly I learned of another suicide. I'm not surprised but never nice to hear. That brings the tally of my friends to 11. So sad.

Nessa made an interesting point that maybe it is easier to see someone else who moved on from those days rather than someone still stuck. Maybe some day someone else will contact me. Reconnecting can be fun but fraught with uncertainty. In the last few years 3 people from my past have a e mailed out of the blue. And all 3 have their connections to mental health.

That's enough of madness now, I need to work a plan for later today. I could go for a walk in the sun. I could put an opera on and lay further plans. Whatever I do I will keep it simple. I'm not roasting anything today but will just have simple pork chop with vegetables and potatoes. Yes I do do simple sometimes.

I will see you all again in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

False Impressions.

Tuesdays are not always my best day. Today was actually fairly quiet and allowed me to get on with some admin that I was way behind on. Behind because of my incompetence, my fear of technology and a brand new quirk to a new system no one had ever seen before. And of course it had to be me who found it and thus ran into yet another barrier. But I got there in the end. It was just very boring.

To temper my boredom I decided a reading night was in the offing. Handel's Israel in Egypt is my accompaniment but I've yet to choose what to read.

It would appear that my post earlier about a plan going wrong was actually misreading the situation-skim reading is not always good. So there is a plan in the making. Probably nothing will come of it but without taking calculated risks it is not easy to make changes to one's life. I will take that risk.

My trip to London on Saturday is looming large in my mind. Looking forward and a little nervous. The woman I am going to meet has not been seen by me for over 20 years. What will we be like now? Both in a dark place when we knew each other by all accounts we survived and thrived. I doubt that can be said of all my friends from those days. How do I describe that bond that we share having been on a psychiatric ward together? Is it a badge of honour? A dark badge maybe but no one who has not been on a psychiatric will ever understand it.

Back to my reading now. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Here We Are Again.

That day has arrived. The day on which the living trumpet their mothers and those who no longer have them run away and mourn quietly. As noted yesterday Mother's Day is never easy for me. In the main I avoid social media. I also avoid trying to go anywhere, all the pubs and restaurants are packed. It is but another day but one I would rather forget.

The bright sunshine of this morning has faded to grey cloud. There was a bitter wind when I went to buy my paper. I'm procrastinating really, hovering over the paper when I should be checking the fine detail of the plan I mentioned yesterday. It still seems a non starter but still worth a look. Not sure I have the energy today to concentrate that much.

A spare rib joint of pork seasoned with salt, pepper and thyme has just gone in the oven. My friends Gary and Ali will come and join me after they suitable motherly devotions earlier. I have already listened to opera, Beethoven's Fidelio. I need to pop into town before setting forth on another one. I saw a bargain of something I needed yesterday but did not have enough arms to buy it and carry it when loaded down with other shopping. Given my recent luck I expect it will have gone. But it will allow me to pick up the bits I forgot yesterday anyway.

Little thought has been given to what the morrow will bring. Let's hope it stays way until I have to think. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

That's Not How the Plan was Supposed to Be.

Hello out there. I thought you all deserved a break from my inane ramblings so not be on here since Wednesday. You will no doubt be pleased to know I am now recovered from the bug and doing very well.

The visit of my great friend Beka was marvellous. Her meeting went well and we had a suitably splendid, decadent, fun filled evening of food, ale and film. Sadly she had to go down to Kent early this afternoon so we didn't manage lunch at The White Horse as I had hoped.

In a way it was good she came when she did as I experienced something of a blow yesterday. For a long time now I have been waiting for something to happen that might aid my route out of the stuck road I have been on for the last 4 years. It was just a matter of biding my time and waiting. That wait came to an end yesterday when word came through that it was time to move. So it was a huge blow to discover that the plan will no longer happen as it is simply not viable to go from full time work to part time work. I'm love to work 4 days a week; I have no doubt that my health would improve if I did. But I need money to live and what is on offer would not be enough.

So with great sadness I feel destiny slipping from my grasp and I go back to waiting for something that may not happen. When is my luck going to change?

Back to today I pottered into town, had the monthly haircut and cut throat shave and hot towels, shopped, got dad's birthday present and contemplated what to do tonight. The result is roast Harissa chicken stuffed with coriander and a lemony sauce. Some simple new potatoes and minted peas will complete the venture. And a small glass of Chablis.

Tomorrow is a day I really don't like. It will be a day of in your face revelry that I find hard and makes me remember. Mum will be on many people's minds tomorrow, for those of us without a mum it is indeed a harsh day.

I Heard a Voice.

How Disappointing.

Sometimes I like a little variety in my work. Days I particularly like are when I'm interviewing candidates for jobs although I feel less certain of wielding a little power that can alter people's lives. The intention today was to do some interviewing of students to become next year's Residential Assistants living in Hall and providing out of hours support to students. I've been involved in that the last 2 years. Disappointingly it was not to be as once again I had to call in sick.

Mentally I'm much better than yesterday-appears to have been an example of my occasional mental blips. What was also going on yesterday which I didn't put too much credence to was that I picked up a stomach bug. Unpleasant as it is/was it was very secondary to the mental side of things. Sadly it decided to afflict me for another day.

I'm not been out at all, daren't risk it. Instead I have listened to music and enjoyed for the first time in a while Choral Evensong live on Radio 3, this week from Magdalen College Oxford. And very good it was too with a programme of Baroque music with suitable instruments to accompany the singing. None of the pieces were known to me but it was nice.

So what to do now? I hesitate to eat too much given how I feel but must do something at some stage. Being home can be pretty boring but time will pass. And with it good riddance to the bug when it finally goes; may that be as soon as possible.

Biting Back.

Some days in my life mental illness comes back and reminds me it exists. My friend Steve down in Sussex describes his bipolar as the little dog on a lead that walks behind me, most of the time it walks behind me but sometimes it bites me on the bum. After a series of vile dreams early this morning mental illness fought back against my recent advance and I came to a shuddering terrible halt. Having abandoned all hope of doing anything today I eventually struggled out of bed and am now feeling well and truly bitten.

Added to this I am cold and shivery despite it being a warm day. Bunged up and listless I'm really hoping I'm not coming down with the virus that has felled so many of my friends and colleagues in the last couple of weeks.

Outside the rain is on us. I have no desire to go outside at all. Rumour has it there could be snow tomorrow. It has in the main been gentle with us this winter. Wet yes, icy wind sometimes but not bad. As we are in March is spring with us?

With the heating turned up and a drowsy muddled mind I'm listening to Haydn on the radio and will hope the hours pass by in not too much despair. Low is the order of today but I'm determined not to let it last long. Risperidone do your magic and get me back on the track I have so successfully pursued the past few weeks.