A Fond Hello.

Some of you may recall that almost a year ago I was delighted to hear from my old friend Ros. We met in the summer and had a fantastic day rolling back the years.

Fast forward to today and I'm still struggling with my recent downturn in my mental health. I managed to get away to Cambridge for a few days. It was good although I remain dead tired. My mind is stirring again but not in a position just yet to face my normal Monday morning world.

Intent of updating my colleagues I found my inbox clogged with more than 60 e mails. I didn't open much. What I did open was a delightful surprise. For there was another voice from my past.

I left Bernie Rosen's world of arrogance 20 years ago. Today a voice from those days came back in the form of an e mail. Huge shout out hello to Vanessa, so pleased you too found your way in life. It is wonderful to hear such a voice and to know that not all was bad with those long ago. Recovery clearly exists in my life and hers. Bernie got it very wrong with me. Some no doubt he helped but not me. Yet I did find my way. And despite the last couple of weeks I will bounce back and continue on that journey.

Tomorrow brings December. Time ticking by. Things to be done but as yet I can't face doing much. I will stay home tomorrow and take each day as it comes. I will call again for a Doctor appointment but won't be holding my breath. Take care all of you out there.

I Heard a Voice.

A Flicker of Emotion.

Having spent the best part of 3 days alone in my flat I briefly ventured out last night. For just a few minutes talking to my friend Di about what a great Christmas we had last year I felt a flicker of emotion. It was good emotion. Sadly it did not last. This morning it was back to that empty deserted feeling of nothing. Yet that glimpse should be a sign of improvement.

I had no luck getting a Doctor appointment-nothing available to pre-book until Tuesday. The arrangements to get to see GPs set up by the previous government really are shambles for Doctors and patients alike. I do not consider myself an emergency. I may have fallen but I have not slipped inside the gates of hell. But it would be quite nice to get to see someone. I will try again later and see what I can get.

I ventured forth today as well for a little lunch and to shop. Worn out now so just listening to The Marriage of Figaro. Think I might have made a mistake glancing at e mails-the world certainly doesn't stop because I'm ill. It is a day they want me to provide a miracle. Well someone else will have to do that-I'm too tired for miracles.

And so on Thanksgiving Day I give warm support to the many people in the USA who read my blog. I will watch the football later and in the depleted state think of you all. Enjoy the turkey.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Amazingly yesterday's offering was post 500, so many in 4 years.

A View From Nowhere.

During the academic year 1998/99 I taught myself A Level Philosophy. A task I set myself as a pre cursor to my return to Cambridge it was very hard going indeed and I didn't do very well. Remember that that was in the days prior to Risperidone so I was more prone to relapses back then. A set text I had to read was Thomas Nagel's A View From Nowhere. An exceedingly hard book to understand I made a tactical decision not to answer a question on Nagel in the exam.

As I struggled to wake up this morning in my heavily medicated state that phrase seemed so apt. It was so late I didn't make it to work. I'm not in a fit state anyway. The Risperdione has emptied my mind. I have no thought or feeling. Just a lost emptiness. A view from nowhere. Where am I? I have lost a semblance of a compass.

Desolate as that feels I recall from last time that that is part of the recovery process. When I first took Rsiperidone all those years ago it sent me on the most splendid high for months. Now it slows me down, dampens that feeling of being overwhelmed by a tidal wave of chaos, and allows me to get back on an even keel.

I will take that time and will aim to see my Doctor tomorrow. Maybe he signs me off maybe he doesn't. I have arrested the precipitous fall and am hanging on. Let us hope I start climbing soon.

In the meantime despite not being at work I'm making work calls and e mails. The world doesn't stop as I'm ill and having unique job there is no one else to pick it up. The best I can do is brief those I can rely on and ask them to hold the fort until I'm back.

Now an afternoon of The Magic Flute will be my guide. I'm too tired to even read my book.

I Heard a Voice.

Feeling as Mum Did.

It is hard to believe that 2 and a 1/2 years have passed since mum's funeral. I have looked back on the blog many times to that period of our lives. I repeated myself often and talked incessantly on my fear of delivering the eulogy. Apart from some of the older brethren struggling to hear it was a spine tingling performance, maybe amongst the best public talks I have ever given.

As I sit in my flat fighting off overwhelming anxiety I am constantly reminded of mum's desperate battle against crippling anxiety. Life has all become too much for me in recent weeks. When I awoke to try to get up for work about 7.30 this morning I quite literally could not get out of bed. Some 45 minutes later I struggled to the phone and see the blurred diary I called in sick.

A few things have fallen into place today that I hope will stave off this terrible feeling. Yet I remain desperately tired. Beka thinks I should go and see my Doctor but I know he will sign me off. I don't want that.

So as I crawl through each hour my guide is the Messiah. That features in my eulogy too. Apart from that I have achieved nothing all day. My friends give the best advice but still it comes at me in waves. I know it will right itself sooner or later but right now I feel it will never pass.

I Heard a voice.

Seas of Mud and Lakes of Water.

Hello from a very wet Hertfordshire. It has been hammering it down all the day, the grass has turned to mud and there are great lakes of water all over the place. Rather put paid to my plan for a walk in the country via a quick pint in the Cowper Arms. So it has been a day of reading and listening to Handel.

Another week beckons. Christmas is drawing near and I've made no preparations at all. It's not even certain when I will be going down to Kent to see dad. The powers that be seem to require us to open on 22nd, 23rd and 24th-ludicrous. I think I don't have to do that but maybe will have to another year.

I haven't even looked at the diary barring meeting my supervisor tomorrow morning. I'm off on Friday to catch up with an old school friend in Cambridge and thinking of staying the weekend for the Varsity Bowl at Grange Road on the Sunday. Hoping to catch up with Jayne too.

Yet on this Sunday afternoon I'm just living in the moment. A gammon joint is roasting filling my flat with the wonderful aroma of cloves. Let tomorrow be tomorrow, I'm living in today, the here and now. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Stepping Back From the Brink.

As I wrote my last post on here on Thursday evening it felt as if I was teetering on the edge of a cliff. Yes it was that bad. Thank God for Risperidone and a couple of days away from my office. As I write now I'm tired but no longer overwhelmed by anxiety. I do not feel myself but much safer than then.

Being away gave me time to think. Birmingham was fun although we had far less time for our workshop than we were told so most of my part was culled. The conference theme of peer support was I suspect challenging listening for those from statutory services. The local people from HPUFT were there but silent. The groundswell was that peer support belongs to us not the professionals. The risk of professionalising it is that it loses its essence. Maybe but if people want careers after madness it does provide an opportunity. I talk extensively about them and us and changing sides in Charon's Ferry.

There is no easy solution but I suspect that in the unlikely event I apply for and get the job I'm mulling over I will have to find a solution. I had a conversation with a friend about that job. His response was more or less I assume you have applied and if not why not? I remain undecided though.

On another front I finally managed to meet with my tutor. She told me to stop researching and start writing. I now know I have the information I need and a structure I can use. So hopefully I am back on track.

Off now to cook lamb chops with some mint jelly. Might have a nice glass of Chianti with it. Then roast gammon tomorrow. Now all I need is more sleep.

I Heard a Voice.

Close to the Danger Zone.

Very little remains in my mind of yesterday or the day before. I was in zombie. The crazy pace, expectation and series of everything that could go wrong did go wrong left me in a terrible place. Exhausted, overwhelmed with anxiety and seeing no other way out with some reluctance I increased my risperidone and trimipramine last night. I intend to keep it on higher levels for a while.

After 9 hours sleep, a day away from my office and the prospect of a trip to Birmingham tomorrow I remain tired but no exhausted, anxious but not overwhelmed, and hanging in there a little better than of late.

Learn my limits. I must keep telling myself that. Yet still I try to fight on. What happens when I'm not at the coal face of madness at the University? Good question. As I write I'm trying to stave off taking some time out via my Doctor. To stay functioning I need to look at what is expected, what can be put off and what can I do that is feasible. I don't know the answers to that but if I don't the choice may be taken out of my hands. I know if I see the Doctor he will tell me to slow down. Better avoid him?

Today was not without merit. I have done more on my studies than I realised. My tutor said stop working and start constructing it. I have all the materials and finally a direction on structure. I also had some encouraging advice from a friend and colleague about a job I have been weighing up. Views have been mixed and I have reservations. The worst that could happen is they don't short-list  me. Harder though is the sheer terror in the unlikely event they give me the job. A fine challenge but what anxiety could it bring? Nothing changes without taking risks. Should I do it?

I Heard a Voice.