All Plans are Off.

The rain drops are gently trickling down the panes of glass in my French windows at my flat. It reminds me of that haunting Simon and Garfunkel song "Kathy's Song" that so bewitched me in the time of my madness. Once again I find myself at home unable to risk passing on this vile virus by going to work. The night was again a torment although the pills I bought at the chemist have helped a little during the day. God I hate being ill.

As a result all my plans for today are cancelled. I was due to visit my friend Jacek today for lunch and meeting of his staff at his place of work. He is a Polish psychiatrist whom I admire a great deal. Young and dynamic he is so different to all those arrogant ones who treated me. Another sign of my changed life. Jacek is my greatest advocate.

I was due to have dinner with Dory at the Fu Hao but she unexpectedly had an early shift tomorrow morning in London so we have had to put that off. I was also due to have another friend Jackie round to provide me with some training on my new PC but we cancelled that too.

So once again I'm stuck at home, coughing and drained. It was not all lost. I finished "Under a Mackerel Sky" and very much enjoyed it. A Rossini opera has been playing on the radio in the background. Yet I'm restless. Time is marching on to my MSc presentation on Thursday and I'm nowhere near ready. If the fever breaks I will get back to it on Saturday. I think I'm a couple of hours away from completing the text but there are some things I do not know how to do when putting together my PowerPoint for Thursday. I need some help and it makes me anxious. I'm sure I will be fine though.

As I'm not out tonight I will just have simple roast potatoes and a pork chop with rosemary and garlic. It is still hard to swallow but we all need to eat. Let us hope tomorrow brings signs of improvement. In the meantime my next dose of pills is due at 5 pm. With luck next time I write I will be better-I really hope so.

I Heard a Voice.

Going Nowhere Fast.

Just as I thought I was getting over this virus that I've been battling since New Year's Day it has come back with a vengeance for round 2. This is replicating the experience of so many others I know who have this-and I know at least 20 people who have it-it calms then comes back. So after a night of coughing, shaking and shivering I decided against going anywhere today and stayed in bed all morning. I could really do without this but there you go, it happens sometimes.

Looking back on the last year or so I seem to have had an unusually high number of physical ailments. Let's hope it is just bad luck. Who knows when it will end but I can't wait so I can finally get on with my life.

This post is the first written on my new PC. I rarely consider myself disabled but with a life time mental illness in the eyes of the law in this country I am. Well actually there is a caveat to that. The criteria for employment and education differs from that to claim benefits. When I was accepted on my course my friend Madeline who works in our disability department was most insistent that I apply for Disabled Students Allowance. I feel a fraud but at the assessment back on November the excellent assessor pointed out that we had to take into account what impact it might have on my studies should I relapse. He had a point so lots of things were put in place. I probably won't use them but it is nice to have up to date equipment-now I can access all the on-line materials which I couldn't get to before.

But today is not a day for study, I feel too ill. Instead I listen to Britten on the radio and quietly rest. Choral Evensong at 3.30 pm from Salisbury cathedral-I look forward to that.

I Heard a Voice.

The Net Widens.

Some months ago I wrote a post on here entitled "Pandora's Box". It was as a result of something I read in the newspaper about child abuse in music schools in the 1970s and 1980s. This has in many ways been fuelled by the Saville scandal but it is shining the spotlight on a murky world. That post remains the 3rd most widely read of the 341 pieces I have written on here.

Today I learned from the same paper that that net is widening with a further 20 schools likely to lose court cases about what went on in those dark days. I think the net will continue to widen before it closes. I wonder when that net will be widened to include that famous choir that was once my identity? Surely it will come one day. Maybe book sales will go up if it does-"Charon's Ferry" is far more candid and overt on the subject than "A Pillar of Impotence".

As I write I'm listening to Mendelssohn. A year after I was given the box set I have finally found what I was looking for. As a result I listened to the whole of "Hear my Prayer" today for the first time in years. Glorious. At 3 pm the music will go off and we will have a little jaunt to a country pub. Then home to cook roast chicken. Here is to Sundays.

I Heard a Voice.

Back to my Chinese Culinary Roots.

After a day working on my assignment for my MSc it is now time to cook. I'm returning to where it all started, China. Over many 1000s of years the Chinese have evolved a stunning culinary legacy which uses some strange things. Today's offering of red cooked pork with star anise and dried orange peel has just gone in the oven. I did try eating the orange peel once but was not enamoured with it. But it does impart a good flavour. Combined with soy sauce, star anise and cassia bark it promises to be an interesting adventure.

My week of ill health continues, still can't shake the virus but I am certainly better than I was. Mentally too I seem to have climbed a little in my mood and reduced my anxiety. This in part was due to a surprisingly positive response to my survey I sent out for my MSc. Armed with that I have now made a lot more progress. The presentation is a week Thursday. Hand in date 2 weeks after that. I think I'm well on top of it although I have the dreaded referencing to do still.

The divisional playoff round of the NFL begins tonight. I will record both games tonight and watch tomorrow's live. Keeps me out of the pub for a bit.

All in all I feel set up for a restful day tomorrow with my book and some opera. Roast chicken will complete my normal chilled out Sunday. Chaos again on Monday-with luck the coughing will finally have abated by then.

I Heard a Voice.

Putting Life in Perspective.

Life for me has been somewhat rocky since our epic Christmas at Beka's. I have been ill with a virus that has cut swathes through my friends. News came of the death of my friend Jeff on New Year's Eve. Today I learned of the death of another friend taken by cancer over Christmas. My mood and particularly my unusual anxiety have marked the last 10 days-it was another anxious day today. I have to try to balance the silly foibles of my life with the realities of the really ill world. Once I was really ill. Now in the main I'm fine.

Today I learned some more devastating news from a friend. I cannot say what it is on here but it took me back to that terrible day when my friends Tom and Catherine lost their 2 year old son. That was truly black. Today's news is not that bleak but once again I am reminded of the fragility of life and that what I face at the moment will pass. As long as I stay clear from the depths of madness I will survive and weather this storm.

I went to work this morning. I had a meeting and some catching up to do. So why am I shattered? I guess the lingering effects of my recent virus. Feel like just lying on the sofa. It doesn't seem worth trying to stay awake. Doubt I will go to bed early though, I never do.

Time to sign off until another day.

I Heard a Voice.

Finally Succumbing to the Inevitable.

After a night of being woken up in a cold sweat by extremely disturbing dreams I have succumbed to the earnest advice of my dad and friends by finally going to the chemist and bought a flu and cold remedy. As you can see I stayed home today and this virus whatever it is seems in no mood to shift. As each day comes I hear of more of my friends coming down with it. The common denominator is the Hedgehog pub where we all went on New Year's Eve. My friend Sue coined the rather splendid phrase "Hedgehog flu". Actually it is nowhere near as bad as full blown flu but is pretty debilitating. The best I can hope of this medication is that it will hold things at bay; nothing can be done about a virus

So another day at home struggling to do anything. I should do some study but really can't face opening my notes. But time is ticking on and I need to get going. I am slightly stuck in that I can't access all my course materials from home as my software is no up to date enough. I had planned to download what I needed in a form I can work with today but it was not to be. Maybe tomorrow.

And my madness? Less in evidence today than yesterday. Funny how physical illness can bring about a mental lapse in mood. Let's hope it passes soon.

For now I listen to the radio and do nothing. It can only get better from here.

I Heard a Voice.

Not a Day for Going Out.

My friend and mentor Heather Murray lost her husband Chris a couple of months after mum died. He had been ill for a long time and in a way it was a relief. That year of 2012 saw the deaths of 7 people I knew-that is too many. Some time later Heather told me that at some times in her life she talks to Chris and feels his presence even after his death. She suggested I do the same. This morning I really wanted to speak to mum. Of course I couldn't. There only being a silence bouncing back at me.

Saturday is day 4 of my mystery illness. I still feel bad but the symptoms are different each day. I can now swallow with ease and my chest is less restricted when I cough. But the coughing and sneezing has reached ludicrous levels. I also feel absolutely washed out. I needed a good night's sleep but it didn't come. This morning saw 5 cigarette butts in the ashtray each marking a nightmare I had. Why?

This illness is beginning to have an impact on me mentally. I can feel my mood slowly sinking. Do I raise the medication? I suspect all that would do would be to empty my mind of all thought and emotion. That is indeed an uncomfortable place to be. Leave it be for the time being I think.

And still the rain comes. I will not venture out until much later. But rather stay in the warm with my beloved Mozart and keep on with Rick Stein's "Under a Mackerel Sky". Dad gave it to me for Christmas and it has led me to temporarily cast aside the "Seven Pillars of Wisdom". I've long been a fan of Stein and am amazed at how candid his memoir is. He has faced some pain in his life.

So from my warm flat with the miserable day outside I wish you farewell until tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.