Living With Uncertainty.

Yesterday I was talking to one of my bipolar students. His tutor tells me he is a once in a generation student. I am well aware of his brilliance. However, bipolar has cost him almost all of this year. He is talking of walking away. But that would let bipolar win. Can we ever let our illnesses win?

Well I did for years. I'm much more in control now but there is forever that fear. The fear it will come back. I tcomes of all of us with a mood disorder. Him and me. I think by the end I had talked him out of leaving.

But what of me? It has been a week of erratic mood swings. Days where for no reason I feel low. Days of no energy and others of being fine. It is hard to live with uncertainty. That is my life though, forever living with a brain that cannot control my mood properly.

I feel somewhat better today and less tired. I slept okay for nearly 10 hours with a couple of dream interruptions-nothing bad though. Not done much beside watch the cricket; that is not going well. I have just made a cottage pie to put in the oven later and will return to that old staple of mine slow roast shoulder of pork tomorrow. Even bought some fennel to roast with it. If you have never tried fennel with pork give it a go, it is wonderful.

Now I think it is time for Darjeeling tea.

I Heard a Voice.

PS This is post number 150-can't believe I have had that much to say in the last couple of years!

An English Breakfast.

The English writer Somerset Maugham once said that "to eat well in England a man must eat breakfast 3 times a day". It is true that the English breakfast is most fine. I'm not sure of the exact quote as I lifted it from one of Rick Stein's programmes. Perhaps Maugham's comment does our culture a disservice but he had a point. It is one of our finest efforts although not very good for us.

I don't eat breakfast, let alone a fry up in the morning. All I can stomach is strong black coffee. I love fried breakfasts but usually for brunch. For all my culinary adventures I do return to the staples of bacon, eggs and whatever comes to hand.

Tonight that was all I had. But to make it extra special as I cooked it in goose fat. I get few readers from France but one of its greatest export comes from the use of good fat in Gascony. Cue red wine which is rumoured to be the reason heart disease rates there are the lowest in Europe. Today was the last of my goose fat.

Which reminds me, I wonder if I can persuade my dad to get a goose for Christmas? Not even sure of my plans yet but I would certainly like to try to replicate last year's glorious lunch.

Today has been a better day. The sun has come out and despite being shattered when I got up I have had more energy. It is relief from yesterday when a strange listlessness came over me in the evening and my mood slumped. I was telling my friend Karen today that there is distinction between depression and a depressive illness. Perhaps the most frustrating feelings of living with a life time mood disorder is that it can come back any time. I had no reason to have mood swing last night, it just happened.

Great to see so many readers this months, I think I am headed for my all time record month for views. Nice too to see my friend Zoe on here-she has been blogging far longer and more popularly than me for a long time. Welcome Zoe.

I Heard a Voice.

Country Pubs and Yorkshire Puddings.

It is a Sunday, the day I like to listen to music, read and cook a fine roast dinner. Well I listened to Handel's Saul, the recording I spent 5 days watching but was not allowed to sing in in the summer of 1979-believe me, all you would be music stars, recording in the main long, boring and tedious. I read the Sunday Times and generally had a quiet day. The beef is out coming up to room temperature and going in the oven about 6 pm. Yet today has been different.

Different in 2 ways. Firstly I went to country pub for a pint of IPA and very good it was too. It was something I used to do regularly but with my austerity measures still very much in place something I have not done for a while. If you are ever in Hertfordshire take some time to head for Tewin and go to the Rose and Crown.

When I got back I had tea then did what I had been dreading all day. Yes for the first time in my life I have made a Yorkshire pudding batter. I love Yorkshire puddings although being a purest I heartily disapprove of people eating them with anything other than roast beef. It is an area I pubs let us down on but it seems to be fashionable. The batter looks good but I'm not sure how it will turn out. I very much hope I have seasoned it better than I did with yesterdays tagine-that was most disappointing.

After I have consumed copious quantities of very rare beef-sorry I buggered it up last time I was down dad-I think I might watch a film. Tomorrow I have dubious pleasure of having decorators round-why do these people think you can drop everything to accommodate them? I wonder what next week will bring?

I Heard a Voice.

The Jury is Out.

Well hello to you all. Yes I say all as numbers have been rocketing again. It seems particularly popular in Russia and the USA at the moment. I wonder what that says about the world?

Apologies to those of you who expected me to blog on Thursday. I was actually too tired. As for the result of my epic life changing meeting? Thus far not outcome. That said they did listen, the took on board the unique nature of my job, the dangers and the tough decisions I sometimes have to make. It went well as far I could see. They will now go away and try to form some sort of data entry to their rather bizarre system. They were vague on time scale but I hope to know in 2 weeks.

I came home very tired. That tiredness continued yesterday and I was in bed by midnight which is unheard of for me. It was a mixed day. I was glad to have got through the meeting but had to say goodbye to one of regulars-and yes I know you will be reading this. It was her choice and I intend as I do with many of my students to stay in touch. Very kindly she gave me flowers and a lovely card. I'm not very good with plants but I hope they will last the 7 days promised on the packaging. She also raved about what I had done for her. That is always strange for me. I live in a strange work duality of knowing I am up there with the best but also knowing and feeling a complete failure when I don't get it right. The remnants of an NPD? Maybe. Like all of you out there I have traits of personality disorder but that is not my illness.

I woke up too early for my liking today but did feel uplifted. It is a quiet day for me. I shopped-lamb shanks for a tagine with peas and tomatoes tonight and beef for a rare roast tomorrow. I am going to try for the first time in my life to make Yorkshire puddings-wish me luck.

Back home I have cleaned and am doing the washing-boring stuff I know. I'm quite glad on cleaning days when it is humid that my flat is small-I think I would lose half a stone in weight hoovering a big house. A big house, something I doubt I will ever have. But if I do it will have one essential element-a massive kitchen.

Now i will settle back with Ziggy Stardust and a spot of Hemingway-a truly quiet Saturday.

I Heard a Voice.

PS If you are interested in the tagine get the Moro series of cookbook:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Casa-Moro-Samuel-Clark/dp/0091938538/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342273430&sr=1-2

How Will the Fates Conspire?

The Clash wrote a song in the late 1970s (I think) called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" From what I recall it is about a relationship. But it implies there is a choice that is in the hands of the singer. Neither option is palatable but at least there is a choice.

Sometimes in life we do not control over our choices. By this time tomorrow I will know whether I will stay or seek to go from the university. Sadly it is not in my hands. For tomorrow I must face what the fates throw at me in my long running pay dispute.

I have to face a formal appeal tomorrow whose format I know not. I have laid out my case in a detailed letter so I guess I can just follow that. What the outcome will be is anyone's guess. I don't believe I have a hope of winning yet I can but try.

And so to the choice, stay or go. If things go in my favour I will stay. If they don't I will start looking in earnest elsewhere. But there is little out there.

There is a further consideration, my mood. By convincing myself I will fail I'm hoping to cushion the blow and limit the fall out. I have learned from bitter experience that that is a better way to be. Sometimes though my addled mind won't let me do that.

Whether I blog tomorrow I will decide when I get home.

I Heard a Voice.

Shameless Self Indulgence.

I have a favour to ask of all my loyal blog friends to indulge my ego. If you like what you see on this blog and feel it could go further please feel free to nominate it for a Mind Media Award, see link below:

http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/7066_submit_your_favourite_bloggers_and_tweeters_for_the_mind_media_awards

For those unaware, Mind is one of the most influential mental health charities in the UK. I have received a lot of support from them over the years as well as working for them in paid and unpaid capacities.

Don't think there is any financial gain to be made by a nomination but the kudos would be good and maybe it can then spread my passion for madness and food to many others.

Thanks in advance.

I Heard a Voice.

A Late Lunch.

There is an all pervading smell of roasted cloves and ham here. Yes it is time a belated Sunday lunch. I've done very little today other than read and listen to the Magic Flute. I also listened to an excellent recording of Benjamin Britten's work. When I was a child we used to sing at Snape during the Aldeburgh Festival. I knew not at that time that it was inspired by Britten. I have decided that my next CD purchase will be Peter Grimes.

Tomorrow I return to reality. My mystery ailment has all but gone now and I'm none the wiser what it was. Why are Doctors so vague? I went back on Friday and the Doctor tried to tell me it was a side effect of medication. Very unlikely given that I have taken that drug for the best part of 19 years without a problem.

What I don't know yet is when and if motivation will return. Perhaps if Thursday's show down goes well it will. But I seriously doubt it will go in my favour.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

PS The Palestinian kebabs on Friday were a mighty triumph!