Mozart, Always Mozart.

A day on from my unexpected slump in mood I think I have bounced back okay. So I didn't sleep well and was tired. Actually I haven't for a few days owing to violent and work dreams. But despite that today has been okay.

Coming to the end of a decade was once momentous. 30 years ago my life was flying and I knew nothing of the calamity that lay over the short horizon. 20 years ago I was with friends for the for the end of the century and once again calamity was about to strike. That that calamity would bring me to salvation was not on my mind. I'm no longer friends with our host that evening, he turned out to be a charlatan. Ten years ago I have been here a little over two years and I was flying with the prospect of Cambridge looming on the horizon. It didn't work out and I slumped. And today? I'm struggling with work but I'm back on an even keel.

The decadence of my life needed a fitting end to the decade. So it was medium rare duck breast pan fried then oven baked along with roasted dice potatoes and vegetables. And a glass of Chianti. What else could I see out this year to? Of course it has to be Mozart.

So as The Marriage of Figaro plays a fitting accompaniment to this New Year's Eve I wish you well. Happy New Year and may you all prosper in 2020. I intend to enjoy myself despite the cold, grey and wet day outside. Have fun everyone.

I Heard a Voice.

Lonely Melancholia.

Perhaps it was waking up in fear? Maybe parking on campus? Or having nothing to do? Worries about money? Whatever it was as I sat eating my lunch today I was overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness, melancholia and despair. A junior doctor some years ago wrote on my notes dysthymia. An all pervasive low mood chronic in its nature but not as bad as it might have been.

Come June it will be 30 years since my life descended suddenly and decisively into mental illness. The labels I've attracted are not kind, true or helpful. That I survived against odds every doctor bet for is something of a miracle. Yes I fought back, got out and tried to lead a normal life.

Yet still I'm cursed with this sudden descent into depression and despair. In truth I always wake up terrified. The bad dreams are not frequent as they once were but they still come most mornings.

A week today I will be back in the thick of it at the university. The waiting list we left behind at the end of term will have grown. In three weeks time one of our immediate colleagues is changing job. That prospect is also terrifying. Often I wonder what on earth I'm doing. But I have to work.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. It will dawn when it dawns and it takes me closer to the coming fear. New Year's Day will be spent with Sarah and her family. I'm blessed with extraordinary friends yet still the loneliness creeps back every once in a while.

With luck I will snap out of it soon. I cannot afford to have another relapse. Each day comes and I get older. Sometimes wiser but always flawed.

I Heard a Voice.

Moving on From Catastrophe.

It was two years ago today that I stepped out from this very flat into the winter cold to do a little shopping, drop round to dad's surgery and to meet Beth and her then new boyfriend. Little did I know that a few hours later catastrophe would strike and our lives could have been diminished forever.

Dad had been ill all over the holiday. Who would think that the common cold could kill an almost healthy old man? After asking for a home visit from the GP, doing the shopping and meeting Beth I returned to the flat to find dad had fallen. I waited for an ambulance for two hours. It was the longest two hours of my life. Driving to the hospital an hour later I saw dad in bed hooked up to a drip and fighting for his life. After they decided he was well enough to go home I pleaded with them to keep him in. He couldn't stand up or dress himself. He was incoherent and looking terrible. Eventually they agreed to let him stay in.

Having driven 60 miles to and from the hospital in freezing conditions I eventually made it to bed gone 4 am. I slept little. The next day I collected him and stayed on to look after him. Terror was my only emotion. Sprinkle in a mountain of anxiety and you get the picture.

When I finally got home I thought we could just bide our time, take it a day at a time and he would get better. Little did I know my useless landlord who had scammed me for nine years was about to turf me out of my flat. That is what happened.

My relapse of 2018 was worse than I could have ever imagined. I was off work for nearly 6 months, I lost all my confidence and the belief that I had beaten mental illness was shattered.

Reflecting two years on, dad is well, I'm well, I live in a much nicer flat, the agents look after me, I'm back at work and I've hit 50. How does one avoid catastrophe in that way? Dad would say God. I do not know.

But I do know that we survived. And we thrived. It is my last day in Kent. Tomorrow I return home. I'm relieved I have no work until the 6th. When I get home I will live, thrive and relish both. We survived. Now I will leave you with the note that we can celebrate out of catastrophe, thrive on adversity and know that the apocalypse can be averted.

Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

Thunderous Waves and Fierce Wind.

As the sun set after a glorious Christmas Day we walked to the beach and took photos. A day of excess was a great success. Roast goose, Christmas pudding, wine and good cheer. I was so tired I was in bed before 11 pm and slept for twelve hours.

Waking late I walked to beach in a fierce wind and was confronted by what my mum would have called riotous seas. She would not have swum today. There is beauty in calm and beauty in chaos here at the coast. The sea is what I missed no longer living here.

Miriam and Nigel are just about to drive home. I'm sticking around until Saturday before the drive I dread begins. I'm not much of a driver but that long slow post Christmas journey is not what I like. Will be relieved when I get there.

My holiday has a way to run though. All of next week I will tarry away from the university. I certainly need more time to recharge.

I will post again before New Year! Have fun.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunny Beaches and Christmas Cheer!

Christmas greetings from sunny Kent! After an uninterrupted drive down on Sunday I have basked in glorious winter sunshine since I got here. There have been some hiccups, no food, left key at my flat and a goose that was too big for the tin. But we're doing okay. I did my wrapping, I detest wrapping. A key has been secured along with an bigger roasting tin. Miriam and Nigel got down this morning also to uninterrupted traffic. I escaped to the pub for a couple of pints this afternoon. The ham has been studded with cloves and smeared with a mix of brown sugar and whole grain mustard ready for tonight. Even Waitrose was comparatively straightforward.

So now to the celebration. A year that has at times been brutal is now over. I have no thoughts of work other than a dream in which my colleague was pregnant. Shows how jumbled up thoughts can be in the subconscious, she's actually covering someone else's maternity leave.

As I reflect I'm surprised I'm so optimistic. The strange thing is that all my predictions re work have come true. I know what works and what doesn't. 30 years as a lunatic teaches us many things. These cannot be learned by books and essays. Bitter failure is what teaches us.

Who knows what the New Year will bring but I made it through dark days to another celebration. I hated Christmas before Risperidone. It was not always great with mum especially as her anxiety got so much worse at the end of her life. But we now take our time, consume a lot of wine and have a great event.

For any of you who follow regularly it is that time when I wish you a very Merry Christmas. I may come on to say hello tomorrow. I did try to post a picture of my glorious walk along the beach yesterday but sadly the technology got the better of me.

Take care and have fun!

I Heard a Voice.

The Last Train for the Coast.

A light drizzle was beginning to fall as I walked back to my car this afternoon following a brief foray into town. Finally managed to collect my contact lenses, restrained my spending and had a lunch with Yan.

Back in the warm of my flat I'm reflecting on what has been a brutal term. Yes I've finally come to rest. Chaos until the end the scourge of misinformation on the internet threatens to undermine all our work. As predicted the new way of doing things has not stopped the did not attend notes on our recording system. We now have a waiting list which we will struggle to get through. Is change good? Not from where I'm standing. It can all wait though until 2020. It's has only just dawned on me that a new decade is looming. Feeling utterly distinguished at 50 life seems as complex as ever. Yet I have my friends, my family, my flat, my kitchen and my opera. Not forgetting the books. In fact I have so much that is good the wasteland of mental illness is not knocking on the door today.

Last night I went out to dinner with Sarah. Misya a Turkish Cypriot restaurant opened earlier this year but thus far I haven't made it there. I did last night and it was stunning. Moist chicken, succulent lamb, not had food that good since the glory days of Gardinia in Cambridge back in the 1970s. Will definitely go back. Sarah gave me an un-feasibly large present. No idea what it will be but will have to wait until my return to find out.

Tomorrow I head for the coast. Not as Don McLean famously sang on the last train for the coast but by road. I'm not a great driver but each Christmas I drive to Kent to spend time with dad. This year we have glazed ham, roast goose and venison casserole on the menu. Yes I will see friends. Yes I will drink too much. Yes I will spend too much. But I will be at rest. Thank God for that.

Not sure if I will get to post as dad is having IT problems but if I don't may I wish good all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I Heard a Voice.

Even the Beast Fell.

Two days on from what to some was an apocalyptic election the dust shows no sign of settling. My left wing friends, and I have many, who spouted forth so vociferously before the election are now ranting on how unfair it was. On an historic day the left were routed. The Beast of Bolsover so famously acerbic in the house for so many years was unseated. Tony Blair's old constituency fell to the Tories and swathes of the north voted against their natural instinct. Rightly or wrongly we now have a working government.

I relish the idea of moving on after the chaos and deadlock of the last two years. I do however fear for the poorest and most vulnerable in our society. None of us yet know what life outside the EU will look like. But of one thing I am certain we will leave for good or ill.

Excited though I have been following events it has not been plain sailing. Waking on Thursday morning to pouring rain and a miserable outlook I was full of cold. Coughed so much I hurt my neck again. Except honouring my pledge always to vote I barely moved all day. Yesterday as the world digested the political earthquake I was once again laid low.

Now at the weekend I feel better all round. On a blustery day I ventured out and finally completed my Christmas shopping. Only the wretched wrapping to do, hate that.

Back at home I'm listening to Christmas Carols on Classic FM and applauding myself for at least sorting the washing, the rubbish, and mopping the floors.

I'm looking forward to seeing Sarah later. A Venetian dish of pasta with Byzantine spices and prawns is our fare tonight. I intend to enjoy this weekend before facing the long awaited end of term. A week tomorrow I drive to the seaside. Enjoy your Saturday and I'll see you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Voting in the Rain.

What a foul day outside. I guess that's the price we pay for a rare December election. I woke full of cold and feeling utterly miserable. Have things caught up with me? Did I overdo it last night? Whatever it is I spent most of the morning in bed.

Knowing the huge significance of the day I braved illness and pouring rain to vote. We must get an outcome after the paralysis of the last two years. I was too young to recall the three elections in a year in the early 1970s. This though was the fourth time I have voted in the last five years including the referendum. The great strength of democracy is that there are checks and balances. The weakness that we get a mess of a government that cannot get anything done.

I have studiously avoided making public comment on here or on any other platform. But I do believe we must get Brexit done even if it is a foolish idea. That too is democracy. Please let there be some stability by this time tomorrow so we can move on.

After that effort I intend to stay in in the warm. The Varsity match is on at Twickenham so will watch that as long as I can stay awake. No motivation to do anything else though. With luck this cold will move off as swiftly as it came. Don't fancy spending days in bed.

My car is now done and although it cost more than I'd hoped at least it will allay my anxiety for a while. And it could have been worse.

Assuming I get well soon there is only a week to go. Then finally to rest. I'm looking forward to going back to the sea and setting aside all troubles that laden me even if it is only for a couple of weeks.

I Heard a Voice.

Lazily Killing Time.

The bitter wind that swept over the campus the last two days has died down. The rain has stopped. And a cold but bright day has ensued. I'm not on campus today as my car is being serviced. That my fear is not entirely under control came in the form of a dream of a huge bill I can't afford to pay. Unprocessed thoughts and fear running rife. At home in the warm I'm lazily killing time listening to Radio 3 and coming to blog for the first time this month. I'm hoping no news is good news on my car.

When I last posted on a day off I rather jumped the gun. Had I held on I would no doubt have been recording my close shave with another terrorist attack near my beloved Borough Market. Shaken up by the news my relief that I didn't visit that day as I might have done was palpable. As dad said "God was looking out for you".

The days since then have been intense and at times difficult. My work does not let up and at the weekend facing another two weeks before my break I was despairing and running on empty. Things are fraught and tense but we will make it in the end.

My attempts to prepare for Christmas have met with limited success. Some is done, some is not. I have chatted to Miriam and dad about food. No doubt there will be several trips to shop for all the forgotten bits. Fortunately Waitrose is only a short walk away, the spare bedroom looks out over the car park. I'm planning on buying the cheese. I like doing that. Why did I not get cheese for so much of my life?

Tonight I'm going out with my friend Bronwen for her birthday. Quite looking forward to that. Until then though I must wait for the call on the car. Fingers crossed it's all good.

I Heard a Voice.