Daylight was beginning to fade as I left my office this afternoon. Already the longer days are noticeable. That beautiful pale winter light on a bitterly cold, clear and crisp day has a certain fascination for me. As I get older I notice more about nature. Things mum knew but I dismissed as immaterial. Do we appreciate things more when we age? We become more forgetful but perhaps more observant.
The past couple of weeks have been pretty intense. Cramming students in and being told off for doing too much. Then not enough. I struggle with this shifting of sands, where do I stand? It is a relief today to learn once again that it is not just me that struggles with that sense of failure when people ask of us things we cannot deliver. Clearly others are mortal despite what my anxious mind tells me on the bad days.
There have been glimpses of bad days sometimes since I went back. Days when I ruminate on my own failure and inadequacy. But that is why I have my opera days. And today is an opera day. I've turned once again to Mozart having hit Handel and Puccini on Sunday.
With the long wait since I last got paid I have been cutting back and cooking off my ingenuity and skill to make last what is in my fridge. The temptations for spending sprees have been there and I have lived and cooked a life of splendour in recent weeks. But I survived. Today it was Shanghai noodles with dried shrimps and spring onion oil. It was wonderful with an added dash of chilli oil.
At midnight my bank balance will be restored and I move on into the next pay cycle. I've done better than I feared.
The freezing cold will continue as we expect more snow tomorrow. As long as it doesn't disrupt my plans for travel. There is a Super Bowl to watch with Nigel and a catch up with Miriam. That will be good.
I Heard a Voice.
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