Sometimes it is good to wait. Had I blogged yesterday I might not have liked it the next day. Certainly others would not have liked it but last night I didn't give a fuck about them. It had been a day of deceit and delusion, of isolation and flashback. I recalled how appalling "therapy" was. I put that in inverted commas because in reality it was a complete fucking joke. Now in the world of smoke and mirrors where nothing is quite how it seems I must beware. The question is who is the deceiver and delusionist? The cretins who "treated" me always believed it was me. But they were wrong. I am who I am and if people can't handle that they are fools. It was not a good day.
A year ago I relapsed, then there was a suicide, then there was mum, and then a whole host of other deaths. Now it feels the time is ripe for relapse once again. Yet as I sit listening to Mendelssohn's Midsummernight's Dream the rage that always seems to drive madness is at least partially assuaged. It occurred to me recently that for most that is the trigger to relapse, pure rage. Others may disagree but I have been at this for years and it comes time and again. In October I spent 2 hours convincing a raging, troubled and suicidal girl that is wasn't worth dying because some arrogant deceiver had enraged her. I saw her again today. It has not been a good week for her either but she is far from where she was.
I wonder what she would say about my power to treat mental illness? Apparently I am not qualified or skilled enough to do so. All I say is talk the scores that I have helped that no one else could and you will get an answer. They are my judges not the arrogant ones who live in their own world. If you stay indoors the world will not come to you. I stayed indoors too long but I did go and find the world in the end.
So my madness teeters on the cusp of returning but I will do all I can to stop it .Even if sometimes I don't know why I bother.
I Heard a Voice.
No comments:
Post a Comment