There is an all pervading smell of pork slow roasting coming from the direction of my kitchen. And very fine it is too. The potatoes have just gone in and I'm expecting my friend Richard to arrive at 2 pm with some rioja. The Marriage of Figaro is accompanying this quiet Sunday afternoon. I guess no different from the many Sunday afternoon posts I have put in the last 2 years.
Yet today feels different. I find myself at a crossroads and I have no idea where to turn. My friend Katherine came to visit yesterday from London. We had a very good day but the best bit was spending time with someone who in no way is connected to Hertfordshire or the university. A fresh perspective but still no answers. Maybe something will come up but when? She made the interesting point of who do I talk to? I'm apparently very good at guiding others through the maze of mental illness but no one is there to guide me.
For the first time I have found myself not wanting to go work in recent weeks. More alarming is that the manic energy and mood lift that comes from the new academic year is not there now. I wonder how I will cope with the rigours of the coming weeks.
There was a plus point to last week when I did my annual lecture to the 2nd year social work students. Apparently they all thought I was inspirational. Unfortunately inspirational does not get me out of the stuck hole that seems to be engulfing me. There has to be a change but I'm buggered if I know what from and what to. Fate is in the hands of others as yet unknown to me.
But that is tomorrow, I will sate myself today with pork, rioja, good company, 2 hours of Rick stein at 3 pm, and then a night of American Football.
I Heard a Voice.
Mark, I'm sorry your spirits are flagging so much you don't even want to go to work. Of course that is by no means unusual for most people, but knowing what your work means to you...maybe it has something to do with your recent efforts to get a pay rise or move on? I need to catch up on your blog and find out.
ReplyDeleteZoe x