Thunder and Lightning.

I'm back in Hertfordshire. Good trip back but marred by a tremendous deluge as I got off the train. Huge thunderclaps that sounded really close and forked lightning! Managed to stay undercover until it cleared and got a cab back home.

So it is back to cooking. As I am not working until Monday I can devote myself to the culinary arts. Moroccan today, I'm told it is called Kefta Mkaouara, a spicy egg, meatball and tomato tagine. Never done it before but it looks nice. Not sure about tomorrow-having to be fairly frugal until I get paid on Thursday. Then we shall see.

I Heard a Voice.

Time to Hit the Beach!

Well the sun finally arrived with avengence-God it's hot out there! So I took myself off for a stroll down to the beach. Surprisingly quiet there actually but I guess it will get busier.

Before I got ill I was a real sun worshiper. Then when the madness struck I could no longer tolerate heat and cold. I used to freeze in winter and burn up in summer. So for years the beach days went. I can now go there but not for too long.

There is something about the sea that always draws me back. I've been away from it for nearly 4 years now but it lurks in the back of mind and I love going there when I'm down.

Home to Hertfordshire tomorrow. Can't make too many plans as I don't get paid until Thursday and this last month has been a hell of an expensive one. What I do know is that I'm headed for Greenwich next weekend to take some photos for a portrait. All to do with the Literary Festival.

I Heard a Voice.

Where is the Sun?

Weather forecasters in the UK are famous for getting things very wrong. Well today they promised me a heatwave and glorious sunshine-so where is it? Woke up to mist and cloud. Quite warm but not what was promised. But it is only 12.15 pm so maybe there is hope for later.

I'm in Kent and very glad to be away from Hertfordshire. It has actually been the toughest week I've had in the 4 years since I moved. Sometimes it is horrible working in mental health and it has been just like that this week. My friend Lisa with whom I worked at Rethink used to say "I want to get a job in a sweet shop" when the going got tough. Sweets were most appealing this week.

No more work until Independence Day-yay!!! Am returning home on Tuesday, might perhaps go to London or Cambridge or even St Albans. But if I achieve nothing else this week I hope to get the ball rolling on the upcoming Literary Festival. More on that soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Bad Journey

Today has not been my best day. Was travelling back from Exeter only to be let down by both the trains and the tubes. When I finally got back my mind was made up to have salt and pepper ribs and crispy aromatic duck at the Fu Hao. I there was therefore thoroughly unamused when I discovered it was full! Not pleased! But the silver lining is that I will go to Hakalok for slightly less good food but will see my great friend Joey on her birthday.

More when I'm in a calmer mood (and less starving).

I Heard a Voice.

The Sun has Risen Again.

An odd title I know on a day that is grey and threatens rain but in the world of my madness that is precisely what has happened. After two very bad days the increased medication worked and I am back to normal now. Tuesday was much better, mood back to a level of around +1 on my scale.

Today is a milestone in my life, an anniversary of sorts. For it was 21 years ago today, at almost this exact hour that I plummeted into my madness. That day is so clear in my mind, each little detail frighteningly recreated both mentally and in "A Pillar of Impotence". I have now lived with mental illness for half of my life.

It's not going to go away but, recent events aside I remain exceedingly well most of the time. The funny thing is tonight I will be with the same friends once again as on that fateful day in the early summer of 1991. It's a Selwyn reunion in Covent Garden tonight. Nothing formal just a chance to sup and chat about old times. There were many times I doubted I would make it to 30 but now I am heading for 42 it never ceases to amaze me how life can change with time and a little help from the right medication. These are lessons I try to extol on my young students. It's an alien concept to most of them but life is long and it does change.

I Heard a Voice.

And Darkness was upon the Face of the Deep.

Well after my post yesterday my mood went into a precipitous freefall. Hit -3 which is danger levels. So I increased my risperidone by 50% and doubled my trimipramine. Within an hour as I tried to sleep my mood lifted to the + side but was low again when I woke up. So going back to morning meds for a while.

I clawed my way up to 0 today but found everything such a struggle. Didn't want to do anything but made it to work anyway. Didn't get much done though.

Not quite sure why this has happened but I suspect it may be response to the extraordinary tiredness I have experienced since Easter. But none the wiser as to why that happened.

Those of musical bent may recognise the title of this post as coming from Haydn's "Creation". Wonderful piece of music. The story is of course resolved through God's will when he created light. Let's hope he does the same for me. Perhaps the coming of risperidone is God's will but I don't really understand such things. That said risperidone has been my "Holy Grail" for the last 10 years. On Thursday we have the 21st anniversary of my descent into madness. Hope I'm clear of that by then.

I Heard a Voice.

What a Dull Day.

It's wet and horrid outside, so dull, where has the sun gone? Today my mood seems to be mirroring the weather. I feel nothing, neither happy nor sad, just nothing.

If one lives with a mood disorder it is hard to work out what is the optimal target for mood. Anyone who experiences elevated mood always wants to be a bit high. We as professionals want things to be neutral. But my experience of neutral means feeling nothing. Not sure I like that.

Since I had a major relapse in the summer of 2006 I have kept a mood diary. Sometimes I forget to do it for a week or two so I have to try and remember. My scale goes from +3 to -5. This reflects the mini highs I get and the devastating lows that threaten to destroy my life. Where I like to be is +2 and I have been there or there abouts for the last few weeks. Today I feel at 0, not good, not bad, just nothing.

Perhaps that comes of being on anti depressants for the last 20 years. As a friend of mine who takes them sporadically said recently "I would rather feel something rather than nothing". I guess I echo that sentiment.

Hope the mood elevates soon. Perhaps the loin of pork on the bone I will be cooking later will help.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Lost in the Post

There is something exceedingly irritating about the British postal system-it simply isn't reliable. I have had two letters forwarded on from my parent's house take 4 months to get to me recently. And now I have discovered that a copy of "A Pillar of Impotence" that I sent off for review on the Madness and Literature website failed to arrive.

Not good! Especially when I had to buy all the books I had for the launch rather than being given some by the publisher. Not at all happy. Only have two books left so I guess I will need to spend some more. Have been waiting to hear from a friend in Cambridge about a possible review, now wondering if that copy too has been lost.

There are a couple of positives on this bad day though. My friend Beka has managed to secure me a slot for the book at the Folkestone Literary Festival in November. That should be fun. And I also have a friend working on getting me a talk to people from South London and Maudesley MH Trust at some stage in the future. For those not in the know, the Maudesley is one of the pre-eminent MH teaching Trusts in the world.

If you read the last post, my talk to the psychiatrists went very well. In fact two of them wanted to have their photos taken with me. I guess I must have made an impression.

On this mixed day I guess I must take solace in listening to Thomas Weelkes in the car on the way home-Tutor music can be most refreshing-and buying something splendid to cook when I get home.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Have had some interesting thoughts on a sequel to "A Pillar of Impotence"-could even write an opening chpater today!

A Good Day.

It is always nice when the day goes well. And today was one of those days. A few times a year I get to do mental health training at the university. So I took 13 people through the starnge world of mental health and all went really well. I have actually been doing freelance training for a number of years now. Mostly it goes quite well.

In fact over the years I have had various people come up to me in the street, in the supermarket, the pub or various other places and told me they had been on one of my training courses. I can't even remember people's names when they are in the room let alone ages later. But it is the power of the story that is memorable. I didn't do the full version today, not enough time. But I did enough to make a couple of people feel safe enough to disclose their own experience. It is so much easier to teach if one has a responsive audience.

Tomorrow, there is another audience. I get to teach psychiatrist then! One of my favourite occupations. All those years of being controlled by egotistical morons who looked, read the notes, judged and condemned. Now I get to tell them the truth. Perhaps I might even sell some books.

Will update you on that another time.

Kept it simple tonight on the food front; a salad of melon, tomatoes, cucumber, mozzarella and a mint dressing. Absolutely delicious. From the Rick Stein French Odyssey book. One may ask why an Italian cheese in a French salad? Simple, I don't like the goat's cheese in the recipe. So I improvise.

I Heard a Voice.