Tired and Flat.

On a grey and wet October Sunday I'm tired, lethargic and flat in mood. Not what I expected of a weekend visit from my old friend Marie. 

In truth neither of us has been up to much. She is recovering from a heavy cold last weekend which she said hit her as hard as covid. Me feeling the effects of working too long without a break and the stresses of buying my flat.

Actually we're really near to completion. The postal strike has held up the paperwork but should be done this week. 

The other factor is Kelly's funeral on Tuesday. We're all still feeling battered and bruised by what happened and the atmosphere is subdued and sombre. Together we will get through it through. 

For now though I am listening to Don Giovanni and thinking nothing. We have a table booked at The Waggoners for 1.30 pm. Lovely roast beef. 

So on my tired and drained emotion I bid you all goodbye for today. See you soon. 

I Heard a Voice. 

I Never Say No.

Greetings! A couple of weeks have elapsed since I was last on here. It is a beautiful sunny autumn day here. I'm listening to Beethoven's violin sonatas and cooking slow roast shoulder of lamb.

During those last few weeks I have done a lot of reflecting. Of triumph. Of disaster. Of loss. Of being lonely. Of comforting others. And of never saying no.

My business is beset with an oblique thing called boundaries. I did not change side when I started working in mental health as some claim. But I was shocked at how my working world strove to shut me down from my real world. Us and them. Them and us.

In truth the success of my career has been that I went beyond those boundaries. My credibility is my madness. 

Years later I am plagued by giving too much. I never say no to anyone struggling with their mental health. 

Sometimes I need to switch off. This week I've been supporting five people beyond my work. As we all struggle with Kelly's death, with the chaos in the world I am in great demand. 

I live in that world but sometimes like today I just want to be alone with my music, with my cooking and my wine.

Hang in there everyone, I'll be back soon.

Acorns and Conkers.

Autumn is beautiful up here. A time of acorns, conkers and russet hues as the leaves turn and shed.

The sun is shining here and it is mild. Today I went to the butcher and opticians. No new glasses or lenses despite a deterioration of my right eye.

Trying to describe this week. Emotionally challenging, long and exhausting but mainly been anxiety free. A week on from losing our beloved friend Kelly we are turning to each other. 

We all have dark forlorn thoughts. To mourn is human. I've seen too many deaths. This one has hit harder than any since my friend Tom lost his 6 old son.

If there is a god of any description or belief or creed, he, she or they tore us apart so cruelly. 

Many have taken comfort from the words I posted on social media. I have my words and my words have power. 

As the afternoon drifts on I must look after myself. I'm cooking moussaka which is a pain to put together and wash up but tastes great.

Take care in this a times cruel world. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sudden Death.

The greatest tragedy of my three decade battle with mental illness is the friends I've lost. I may talk in stark and brutal terms about mental health but I have seen so much death I've become almost anaesthetised to it.

That makes me feel I'm a bad person. Guilt can be horrible. Have I let people down? Could I have done more? Those awful what if questions. 

Up until about half an hour ago this weekend had been going well. Tired yes but less anxious  

I spent more than an hour this morning talking to someone from my past who is really depressed. She turned to me eleven years after she heard me talk about mental health. Apparently I inspired her and she looked up to me.

When I finished the call I saw a couple of messages had come through. My friend Kelly died in the night. Only 50 and the life an soul of every party. I was her last night. 

Life and death exist side by side. One minute life, the next death. I'm bewildered and not sure what to think or say. People will turn to me for support and I will gladly do that. And they will support me.

Later I will gather with her family and friends and we will mourn.  

Another day another death. Seen too much of that. Stay safe and never take anything for granted.

I Heard a Voice  

The Monarch.

I'm sat alone in my small flat. It's cold. And I'm emotional. Before me is the march of the cortege from the Cathedral to the Palace. And spectacle of colour on a difficult day. 

Later our Queen will be laid to rest alongside her husband at Windsor Castle. The streets are packed as we witness history. 

My thoughts are jumbled, I feel empty and I feel sad. We all pass one day but it is hard to fathom what is going on today. 

Although I never met her the Queen was the one enduring constant in my at times troubled life. A great Monarch. A great leader. And a great woman. 

Who would have thought back in 1952 when accession to the throne that a single woman in a political world dominated by men could do so well?

The coffin is approaching the Palace now. With that I will leave you. Farewell to you and goodbye to her Majesty.

I Heard a Voice  

Overwhelming Bewilderment.

A day to go and I've still not made any sense of recent events. I am overwhelmed and bewildered by scale of what is going on. I just don't know what to make of it all.

The Majestic spectacle will play out in the eyes of the world tomorrow. I've been so impressed with the Royal family; carrying on with the same dignity of our late Queen. 

In my little corner of the world my thoughts and mind continue to whir away. I wish I could switch off.

A wise man said to me a few years ago that life is made up on three parts. Home, work and people. Instability in two is manageable but all three is a no go.

Since March all have been unstable. We still haven't completed on the flat. Although I had a better week at work we've still got a lot that we need to fix. And as for people living in the mental health world leads to unstable friendships and relationships. It is thus now.

So on this Sunday morning as Mozart plays life feels confused. That said though I'm infinitely better off than I was a few years ago, or even 18 months ago. Problems can be overcome. What's harder is overcoming my anxiety. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Progress Royal and Progress Slow.

As the extraordinary pageant of a Royal funeral and accession of King continues to unfold I'm still stunned. The King is on his progress as a medieval King might have done. He has visited all the countries of his realm in these Isles with dignity  humility and stamina. I have been impressed. 

The days tick by until Monday when we will say goodbye to our extraordinary late Monarch. Our country goes through the passing that we all knew was coming but none of us would know how it would proceed. 

The lives of the great and good are far removed from my little life. No work today as I have a new router being installed this afternoon. 

I won't worried but have stabilised since. I did food shopping, ordered my medication and dropped off a letter at the estate agent. Still not completed yet on the flat.

My shopping trip took a while. Lots of older people in Waitrose going slowly. That's what I remember of the last years of mum's life. Slowing down rapidly. 

The afternoon is wait and see. Lunch shortly, a fig and mojame salad with walnuts and a sherry vinegar dressing. I have sardines, prawns and veal steak to cook in the coming days. Even when I struggle I try to keep cooking. 

Having really laboured over last weekend about my many failings this week has been much better than expected. We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Take care.

I Heard a Voice.