Lost in Emptiness.

When I was singing I quite liked the Good Friday service. For those not in the know Good Friday marks the day of Christ's crucifixion. It is a very Holy day for Christians in what is known as Holy Week. On Sunday the resurrection is marked by a cascade of upbeat celebratory music. Music still plays a huge part in my life ever if I don't sing or play anymore.

A couple of years ago on this day I rose early and caught the train to Cambridge to go to King's. I specifically wanted to hear Allegri's Miserere and Lotti's Crucifixus. I was sadly disappointed that they only sang an abridged version of the Allegri and it was not very good and they didn't do the Lotti at all. Searching on YouTube yesterday for a suitable recording to listen today I discovered that King's shortening the piece was not a one off but their normal effort now. Not really what I would expect of arguably the greatest choir of its type in the world. What is the musical world coming to?

I did listen to both pieces as is my wont. Now I have no idea what to do with my day. In truth I'm not feeling great. Having had a better few days the low mood, tiredness and lack of motivation have come back. It was a struggle to eat anything at lunch time. That sense of nausea that sometimes comes with fear and suppressed appetite has been noticeable today.

The thought of shutting out the world is enticing today. But I don't think that is a good idea. What to do though? Empty days are never much fun. A sense of nothing is unnerving but hardly a new experience for me. All the signs were pointing to getting better so a bad day now upsets the rhythm that I had hoped I was building up. Let us hope it is just an abberration. Tomorrow is another day so I fight through today and accept that it is going to happen. Brighter days will come, I just need to be patient.

I Heard a Voice.

A Muddled Text.

How do I forget that day? Do I want to forget that day? Will that day change as time goes by? Time has gone by and still I recall. That day was warm and sunny. Today is cold and wet. I had stepped out between meetings to smoke a cigarette. Nothing was untoward other than the chaos and intensity of my working life.

Switching on my phone a garbled, muddled and broken text came through from dad. It told me mum was in hospital after swimming. You may well ask why on earth an 80 year old woman was swimming in the cold English Channel in March. But that was mum, she swam all year round. Part of the text was missing. I rang dad on both his phones to no avail.

Hurrying home via posting stuff to my landlord Miriam rang in a confused state. She too had had a garbled message. When I got home I rang the hospital. They told me to come straight away and not to drive. I was there within two hours. The following day they switched off the respirator and mum died peacefully never having regained consciousness.

That was six years ago and once again I battle my emotion as I recall so much. This is never an easy day. Residing now in my new flat and worrying about the future and when I'm finally going to get back to reality after the last few months I must allow myself a day to recall and mourn.

Later I will call dad and Miriam. For now as I always do I will listen to my requiems, avoid the world and remember. I had a brief foray in the rain earlier but now it is just a time of reminiscence.

The years pass so quickly. I'm hurtling with alarming speed towards 50. Will my fifties be different? Better? Calmer? My recent setbacks make me yearn for some stability. That may come in the form of going back to some sort of therapy. The lead psychologist rang yesterday and we spoke at some length. We're hatching a plan. Let us hope it is fruitful. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

The Warmth of Spring.

The air is warm and bright. The blossom is on the trees and the birds are singing. Have we finally turned that corner into spring? I have hinted at that question before but each time I do it turns sour, the cold comes and we are gripped by winter madness. There is a rumour of more to come this weekend. Let's hope not.

With the coming of spring I always struggle for a few days after the clocks go forward. I right myself in time but it makes me feel uneasy for a while. I'm trying today to take stock on where I am. Physically and mentally. Physically I'm still at home which is disappointing. Mentally I feel in a limbo land of neither good nor bad, just a lonely nothing. My motivation is still low, getting out of bed remains an extreme effort, and I am battling with all the mental elements of recent months.

Why this is still happening this far down the line is not clear. I should be better by now. The boredom of nothing that I knew so well for so many years haunts me in the background. Yet I can see the wisdom of getting it right.

My intention is to speak to the nice lady GP who has been helping me tomorrow evening. We have a telephone appointment booked. I know I will need to ask for another note but mentally it feels harder to do that after all these weeks. The sense of fraud and failure is never far away.

Yet daily life continues. I'm maintaining the flat far better than I ever did the old one. I'm back in the kitchen and if you believe the comments of my friends I'm cooking good food. I'm eating again although with that comes weight gain. All areas point to progress in the right direction. I'm just impatient that I haven't made further inroads into the darkness of recent months.

In the wider world the fall out from the nerve agent attack in Salisbury continues apace. Miriam recently told me as a child she was terrified of nuclear war. I never believed it would happen and didn't fret about. Today though the world seems as uncertain and unstable as at any point in my life. Why does man wish to go on such a route of destruction? A world of tolerance and respect seems infinitely preferable to this distrust and retaliation. It makes me nervous.

I am but a small part of that world and so have very little influence. All I can do is strive to live and behave in a civilised and tolerant way. That I'm flawed shows how hard that is. Emotion can be a dangerous thing. But we cannot get away from it. Being away from the day to day of work would I hope keep that emotion less volatile. Equilibrium seems a wonderful ideal. But I guess none of us ever get there consistently.

I Heard a Voice.

A Day of Staunch Resistance.

Temptation was all around me today. Should I buy a bottle of Pimm's as it is Boat Race day? Do I buy the bottle of Barolo that is on offer? Should I go for a nice pub lunch at The Waggoners? In fact I did none of the aforementioned sins and resisted in a fine manner. Given my profligacy of recent weeks and months I need to make a stand somewhere and cut back somewhat.

Having resisted such delights I wandered home, had a chicken and cucumber sandwich for lunch, put on Classic FM and am now contemplating things domestic. My determination to keep on top of things in the new flat gets me down sometimes but I do have a feeling of virtuosity when I have completed a task or two.

Of far more interest to me are my exploits in the kitchen. I defrosted my shin of beef and it is now marinating in red wine, garlic, thyme, rosemary and bay ready for a slow cook of beef bourguignan later. Richard is coming to join me for that one. Tomorrow there is roast pork, more guests will sample my adventures.

Who will win the Boat Race today? I haven't really been following so I don't know what the form is. What I do know is that it is too cold and dull to start the Pimm's season as I traditionally do on such a day. Will wait until the sun comes out.

A thought crossed my mind this morning which has made me feel a little sad. My friend James is getting married in September and I was trying to work out logistics of somewhere to stay. Then it struck me that I cannot go as it coincides with my dinner in Cambridge. And the planned to trip to the Oval. Why does it all have to happen on the same weekend? Actually I suspect Charlie will have to forgo the cricket as well as he is best man.

I will leave you now to enjoy your weekend. Cheering for Cambridge starts around 4.30 with women's race then the men are on around 5.30. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Unsettled Nights, Where are the Warm Days?

We were promised a nice warm day today. Absolutely no sign of that here. True the wintry stuff of the weekend does not look imminent but I was hoping for a walk in the sunshine. I'm doing okay though I think. Well at least during the day.

The nights are another matter. My precious sleep remains uneven, wracked with anxiety and some disturbing dreams. I feel life is progressing aside from that. But that always remains a fear that can scuttle the whole ship.

I had been feeling as if a return next week might be possible. Finally managed to meet my manager on Tuesday. It was very helpful but it became clear that until we have a coherent plan on what we need to change that return will be delayed. So back to taking a step at a time and trying not to succumb to the numbing boredom that two months of inactivity and illness brings us. That said we will both think about a plan. I'm pleased it has been recognised that things couldn't go on the way they were. Just a little disappointed I'm not there yet.

The evening brought dinner with Jo. We did have such a lovely evening, ribs, coriander chicken and crispy shredded beef. It was yet another reminder of how lucky I am to have such good friends.

Back in the flat I have The Magic Flute on, I have made a Thai green curry paste and am contemplating whether I can summon up the energy and motivation to do some cleaning. On the balance of probability unlikely I think. The days do sometimes merge into one when there is no structure. It is so easy just to stare at the TV while the hours of my life tick away.

You may have noticed that I completely failed to mention the Ashes over the winter in Australia. England were comprehensively thumped but that wasn't really why I didn't mention it. More that I didn't see any of it as it was on a channel I didn't have at the time. England returned to the Test arena in the early hours of this morning and were battered by New Zealand to the tune of 58 all out. What is going on?

As the days warm it will not be too long until the cricket returns here. I can't go this year as the day Charlie got tickets coincides with my 30th anniversary dinner in Cambridge. 40 years in September since I went to King's. Does that make me old or distinguished? Not sure on that one.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Spartan Sparcity Along the Seafront.

On another bitterly cold day I braved the seafront with dad. Only the brave or fool hardy would do so on such a day. I have yet to work out which we are. Whilst not quite deserted it was pretty spartan out there with few others souls venturing forth. The flurries of snow kept up all the way yet even in the gloom of recurring winter the sea kept its promise to me as a place to escape.

My time in Kent is coming to an end. Did it serve its purpose? I think it helped. My mind is calmer and clearer. How long that will last as the next few days pass is unknown. I need to go back to my reality the week after. That time by necessity should be more limited than before. It should be quieter as we approach Easter. But will the fear overwhelm me?

That is however for another day. As is my wont on a Sunday a roast dinner was required. And the roast beef I cooked at lunch time was exceedingly good. I'm sure the quality of the meat helped. And dad's oven is far better for roast potatoes than mine. So we were utterly contented.

Miriam battled her way home through the snow which was a relief. I know she was anxious about it and I certainly didn't envy her that journey. Hoping the trains are just a straight forward tomorrow.

There are things to do when I get back. ECG on Tuesday. Dentist Wednesday. And on some day not yet decided I must meet Lena. Let us hope it is a nice week and I can return in an upbeat and optimistic mood rather than the frightened, jaded experience of recent weeks.

I Heard a Voice.

Bitter Cold and Bitter Chocolate.

Well that didn't last very long did it? After the glorious seaside spring day of yesterday bitter cold, biting winds and snow have taken over today. When will this end? It didn't entirely put paid to dad's birthday lunch but more than half of us couldn't make it.

So through flurries and gusts the three of us headed on the brief walk to the restaurant and indulged ourselves in much decadence. A jamon and manchego cheese salad to start followed by roast loin of pork in an apple and brandy sauce followed up supremely by bitter dark chocolate pot with a mandarin sorbet. All that washed down with a very dry local white wine. I'm not much of a chocolate person but when I do have it it has to be dark and bitter. And that it was just like the atmosphere outside.

The chocolate theme continued as we adjourned to Hendrick's after for Malbec and nibbles. It is perhaps dad's favourite place so if you are ever in Hythe do pay them a visit, it is right next door to The King's Head.

Back at the flat we watched England once again lose at rugby and look inept. What a day for the Irish, a Grand Slam at Twickenham on St Patrick's Day. I suspect many places could run out of Guinness today.

Away from observations on the cold world where am I at? Mood is a bit nothing. The anxiety is at bay. I'm with nice people so I guess today goes down as a nice day. Being away does let me mind drift away from daily troubles. They will all still be there when I go home but for now I try to live in the moment.

I don't think the snow will wreck my travel plans. The intention is to go home on Monday. Let's hope it is all gone by then. Do be careful out there in these treacherous conditions.

I Heard a Voice.