A Muddled Text.

How do I forget that day? Do I want to forget that day? Will that day change as time goes by? Time has gone by and still I recall. That day was warm and sunny. Today is cold and wet. I had stepped out between meetings to smoke a cigarette. Nothing was untoward other than the chaos and intensity of my working life.

Switching on my phone a garbled, muddled and broken text came through from dad. It told me mum was in hospital after swimming. You may well ask why on earth an 80 year old woman was swimming in the cold English Channel in March. But that was mum, she swam all year round. Part of the text was missing. I rang dad on both his phones to no avail.

Hurrying home via posting stuff to my landlord Miriam rang in a confused state. She too had had a garbled message. When I got home I rang the hospital. They told me to come straight away and not to drive. I was there within two hours. The following day they switched off the respirator and mum died peacefully never having regained consciousness.

That was six years ago and once again I battle my emotion as I recall so much. This is never an easy day. Residing now in my new flat and worrying about the future and when I'm finally going to get back to reality after the last few months I must allow myself a day to recall and mourn.

Later I will call dad and Miriam. For now as I always do I will listen to my requiems, avoid the world and remember. I had a brief foray in the rain earlier but now it is just a time of reminiscence.

The years pass so quickly. I'm hurtling with alarming speed towards 50. Will my fifties be different? Better? Calmer? My recent setbacks make me yearn for some stability. That may come in the form of going back to some sort of therapy. The lead psychologist rang yesterday and we spoke at some length. We're hatching a plan. Let us hope it is fruitful. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.