The Warmth of Spring.

The air is warm and bright. The blossom is on the trees and the birds are singing. Have we finally turned that corner into spring? I have hinted at that question before but each time I do it turns sour, the cold comes and we are gripped by winter madness. There is a rumour of more to come this weekend. Let's hope not.

With the coming of spring I always struggle for a few days after the clocks go forward. I right myself in time but it makes me feel uneasy for a while. I'm trying today to take stock on where I am. Physically and mentally. Physically I'm still at home which is disappointing. Mentally I feel in a limbo land of neither good nor bad, just a lonely nothing. My motivation is still low, getting out of bed remains an extreme effort, and I am battling with all the mental elements of recent months.

Why this is still happening this far down the line is not clear. I should be better by now. The boredom of nothing that I knew so well for so many years haunts me in the background. Yet I can see the wisdom of getting it right.

My intention is to speak to the nice lady GP who has been helping me tomorrow evening. We have a telephone appointment booked. I know I will need to ask for another note but mentally it feels harder to do that after all these weeks. The sense of fraud and failure is never far away.

Yet daily life continues. I'm maintaining the flat far better than I ever did the old one. I'm back in the kitchen and if you believe the comments of my friends I'm cooking good food. I'm eating again although with that comes weight gain. All areas point to progress in the right direction. I'm just impatient that I haven't made further inroads into the darkness of recent months.

In the wider world the fall out from the nerve agent attack in Salisbury continues apace. Miriam recently told me as a child she was terrified of nuclear war. I never believed it would happen and didn't fret about. Today though the world seems as uncertain and unstable as at any point in my life. Why does man wish to go on such a route of destruction? A world of tolerance and respect seems infinitely preferable to this distrust and retaliation. It makes me nervous.

I am but a small part of that world and so have very little influence. All I can do is strive to live and behave in a civilised and tolerant way. That I'm flawed shows how hard that is. Emotion can be a dangerous thing. But we cannot get away from it. Being away from the day to day of work would I hope keep that emotion less volatile. Equilibrium seems a wonderful ideal. But I guess none of us ever get there consistently.

I Heard a Voice.